Kathleen Pooler spent the first eighteen years of her life in a loving supportive family. The next twenty-five years were engulfed in the abyss of two abusive marriages. Pooler rescued herself and is now dedicated to helping other women (and men) do the same.
She hopes to help others find their inner strength through sharing her hard earned lessons in her new memoir.
Pooler is scheduling online and in person talks, contacting nonprofit and community groups around the country to give women reason to renew hope and begin living their lives on their own terms
“When we claim and honor the strength within, we are able to climb out of the abyss of poor decisions and go on to live a meaningful, peaceful life”
Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away from Emotional Abuse offers readers insight into her poor decisions and how they can learn from her story.
“I want to inspire hope and action for my readers who need to find their own inner strength,” Pooler explains.
5 Memoir Messages:
1. A loving family, solid career and strong faith foundation do not guarantee a problem-free life.
2. We all have everything we need within, but we need to claim and honor our own inner strength to get the life we want and deserve.
3. Abuse, in any form, is harmful.
4. The very things you think are holding you back from having the life you want can serve to help you find your way to freedom.
5. Hope matters, even when all seems hopeless in the moment.
Have you ever made self-defeating choices, wondered how you got there then tried to find your way back home?
Please join in the conversation “around my kitchen table” on my blog Memoir Writer’s Journey at http://krpooler.com where we share our hope one story at a time.
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~
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About the Author:
Kathleen Pooler
Kathleen Pooler is a retired Family Nurse Practitioner who began writing at the age of eight when she crafted plays to act out in front of her maternal grandmother, Nan, and her Italian lady friends. Writing her memoirs has helped her transcend two abusive marriages and divorces, single parenting, a substance-addicted son, cancer, and heart failure to find a life of peace and joy. She hopes to reach women who are searching for their inner strength. She blogs weekly at Memoir Writer’s Journey http://krpooler.comand can be reached via email at kpooler63@gmail.com. She lives in Amsterdam , New York with her husband,Wayne.
About the Book:
A loving family, a solid nursing career and a strong faith cannot rescue her until she decides to rescue herself.How does a young woman from a stable, loving family make so many wise choices when it comes to career, but so many wrong choices when it comes to love?She must make a decision—face her self-defeating patterns and move on or repeat her mistakes. Her life and the lives of her two children depend upon the choices she makes, and the chances she takes.Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional AbuseOpen Book Press, 2014, Paperback (ISBN: 978-0-9859367-9-2) and eBook versions available through your favorite booksellers worldwide.
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Photo credit: dreamstimefree
August 5: “Abuse is Not Always Black and Blue” on Wanda Maxey’s blog,Living Faith, Loving Laughter, Sharing Hope
I am very pleased to feature memoir writer Joan Z Rough in this guest post on finding forgiveness while writing memoir. Joan is working on a memoir, Me, Myself and Mom: A Journey Through Love, Hate and Healing. I have had the privilege of being one of Joan’s beta readers and can tell you her powerful and well-written exploration of a mother-daughter relationship carries a universal message that will resonate with many.
Welcome , Joan!
Author and Blogger Joan Z Rough
Finding Forgiveness While Writing Memoir
I first started writing stories about my family three years after my mother died. A number of friends and acquaintances had told me that my stories were compelling, and filled with life lessons that others would find helpful. I’d written poetry for a number of years and enjoyed writing essays about the natural world. But I knew little about writing about my own life, which is far from spectacular. I wondered who would care.
I was still reeling from the challenges of having been my mother’s caretaker for seven years. For most of that time, she lived in our home, with my husband and me. I was in extreme emotional pain, and felt intense anger toward everyone around me. I knew I was in trouble. I started seeing a therapist who helped me accept and explore the idea that I was struggling with PTSD. I decided to take a “Life Writing” class and started a blog, to share stories with my family and anyone else who might be interested.
Some stories were easy to write. They were about the good times … often humorous, painting my family as typically closely knit, full of love and caring. But as my therapist helped me dig through the past, other stories I’d unconsciously hidden began to rise to the surface. They were about child abuse and the way my parents had treated me when I was a kid. I couldn’t share them on my blog. I was too tender. The bruises left from the last years of my mom’s life were still dark hues of black and blue. Healing was a ways off.
When the word memoir became a frequent word in my vocabulary, I began to see how patterns of abuse and my denial had resulted in frequent depression, and severe anxiety. During the years that Mom lived with me, many of our old ways of behaving had been repeating themselves. I was still trying to be the good girl, desperately seeking her approval. She was rarely happy with me, narcissistic, an alcoholic, someone I hated, yet dearly loved.
When I discovered that the raging fire of anger I was trying to extinguish was directed at my mother, I began looking more closely at her life. I knew that her mother had been considered mentally ill, and that she and Mom had also had a difficult relationship. But my mom was one of those people who hid many of her stories from the light of day. When I began reexamining what I knew about her, I began to see the huge connections that we shared as mother and daughter. We had both been abused by our mothers. Mom self-medicated with booze, and found extreme self-love to be her ticket out of her own recollections of abuse. We both used denial as a salve on our wounded spirits. I struggled with depression and panic attacks. And subconsciously, I believed I had inherited my grandmother’s insanity.
As I continued to work on my memoir, more connections surfaced. Forgiveness for my mother fell into place, diminishing my hatred and anger. The out-of-control flames I had been carrying with me, turned into compassion and understanding. I began to realize that forgiveness is not about forgetting. It’s about acceptance and the willingness to let go of the past.
I found out that I am not insane, and that I could replace my victimhood, with joy and love for all of life.
The following is an excerpt from my upcoming memoir, ME, MYSELF, AND MOM, A Journey Through Love, Hate, and Healing.
Mom and Me
After Mom’s death, while packing up our belongings for a move to a new home, a remnant of her past appeared in the form of a well worn, high school year book. Her name was written on the inside front cover. I set it aside wanting to examine it more closely later. Once unpacked, I opened the cover of, “The 1938 Record,” and started turning its pages to see what they could tell me about my mom.
It’s filled with notes from friends … freshman, on up to seniors, who mentioned her sweetness and wished her good luck in life. When I look to see what class she was in, I find no sign of her in the freshman, sophomore, or junior classes. Knowing she had never graduated from high school, I won’t find her in the senior class. I notice that the eighth grade is included in the book. As I scan the group photo, there she is, standing in the back row, a good head taller than the rest of her classmates. Her name is included in the list of students under the photo.
I do the math. She was born in 1923. The year printed on the cover of this yearbook is 1938. I’m stunned. She was fifteen years old at the time and she was in the eighth grade.
Overtaken by deep sorrow, I understand why she had hidden her past. Ashamed that she never finished school, she was like so many who have been abused, taking the blame for the misdeeds she suffered from. I had never put the puzzle pieces of her life together. She didn’t go to high school because she had to work, and by age sixteen she was on her own, working in a lace factory.
This was only one of the discoveries I made about my mother that I hadn’t understood before I found her yearbook. Others came through family members or rereading my journals, where I often scribbled notes to myself and then forgot about them.
The writing process opened my eyes to my own blind spots, bringing me healing and forgiveness, as I learned more about her difficult life.
Rainbow after the storm/ dreamstimefree
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Author Bio and contact information:
Joan Rough is an artist, poet, and writer of nonfiction. Her poems have been published in a variety of journals, and are included in the anthology, Some Say Tomato, by Mariflo Stephens. Her first book, AUSTRALIAN LOCKER HOOKING: A New Approach to a Traditional Craft, was published in 1980. She is currently at work on her upcoming memoir, ME, MYSELF AND MOM, A Journey Through Love, Hate, and Healing.
Thank you Joan for sharing your powerful message of forgiveness through your memoir writing journey and your memoir excerpt. My favorite line that I feel captures the essence of your story is: “The out-of-control flames I had been carrying with me, turned into compassion and understanding.” I am anxious to see your memoir in print.
How about you? Has writing helped you to find forgiveness?
We’d love to hear from you . Please leave your comments below~
ANNOUNCEMENT:
Congratulations, Christina Stark! Your name was select dian a random drawing of commenters to receive a copy of Linda Brendle’s memoir, A Long and Winding Road: A Caregivers’ Tale of Life, Loss and Chaos”.
This Week:
Monday, 7/21:I’m honored to be featured on Tracy Lee Karner’s blog this week. Tracy is a food, travel and creative writer whose main goals include “living creatively, inventively and well and sharing our stories and experiences “.
Next Week:
Monday, 7/28: “The Birth of a Memoir: Ever Faithful to His Lead Launches”
” It breaks my heart to see her disappearing a piece at a time into the abyss of this disease.”– Linda Brendle, A Long and Winding Road: A Caregiver’s Tale of Life,Love and Chaos, 2014.
As a health care provider, I know that caring for a loved one who suffers from Alzheimer’s and/or Dementia is one of the most challenging conditions faced by families. When I read about Linda Brendle’s memoir of not only caring for both parents, one with Alzheimer’s and the other with Dementia, but taking them on a seven-week road trip in an RV, I knew I had to read her memoir and learn more about her experience.
It is my pleasure to participate in Linda’s Virtual Blog Tour and to feature her in this guest post about her memoir, A Long and Winding Road: A Caregiver’s Tale of Life, Love and Chaos and the five principles she learned through her writing.
A LONG AND WINDING ROAD: A Caregiver’s Tale of Life, Love, and Chaos is the story of a seven-week, sixteen-state RV trip. It is the story of the drama and hilarity that happen when two new RV owners and two people with dementia spend fifty-three days inside a four-hundred-square-foot box on wheels.
I didn’t really set out to write a memoir,but when I became a real hands-on caregiver, especially after Mom and Dad moved in with us, I often went to my aunt for advice. She cared for both her mother and her husband for many years, so she had experience to back up her advice. One thing she told me was to keep a journal,because one day my experiences might be of help to someone else. I didn’t write every day, but after a particularly trying episode, I would write about it and post it on Facebook. People responded positively, and that encouraged me to continue to write.
When we planned our epic trip, I decided to keep a daily journal. A couple of weeks into the trip, I mentioned the journal to Christian Piatt, my son and a fellow writer. He suggested I expand it into a story, not just of the trip but of our lives. He continued to work with me, encouraging me to put more of myself into the story and helping me find ways to focus my story.
The main way to focus a memoir is to decide who your target audience will be, what kind of people you imagine will ultimately read your book. In my case, my target audience was the sixty-eight million Baby Boomers who are at or nearing retirement age, the twenty-three to fifty-two million caregivers, depending on your definition of a caregiver, and the eight million RV owners in the United States.
Once you have identified your audience, the next step is to determine what you want to tell that audience, what message you want to communicate to them. While you may think every detail of your life is extremely interesting and significant, unless you are a mega star or a super celebrity, you will need to give your readers a reason to care about your story.
In my case, I wanted to touch those who needed encouragement, inspiration, or a little laughter in their lives. My book offers an entertaining read to anyone who loves a good travel story. However, it also offers caregivers the comfort of knowing they are not alone, the permission to admit that caregiving is hard, and the realization that sometimes you just have to laugh. It encourages them to take care of themselves and to continue to have a life of their own, and it offers the hope that, with God’s help, life can go on in spite of emotional difficulties, divorce, financial setbacks, and similar challenges.
While I was writing my memoir, I never really stopped to think about some of the steps I went through until recently. When one Twitter friend asked where I found the courage to write a memoir, and another asked how I dealt with sensitive material regarding friends and family, I spent some time pondering the process and wrote an article on the subject.
I’d like to share five principals I followed in writing my memoir.
1. Know your motives.Why are you writing your story? Do you have a purpose in mind, or do you just want to vent and air your dirty laundry? There is a market for both types of memoir, but the first is less likely to get you in trouble with your loved ones.
2. Tell your own story. If you’ve ever studied conflict resolution, you’re probably familiar with “I” messages. In any disagreement, it is important to speak about your own actions and feelings instead of assigning blame to someone else. In writing my memoir, I tried to tell my own story and leave others to tell theirs.
3. Make your characters likable. The author of a memoir is not actually creating characters. However, she does have the ability to make her characters sympathetic or not, depending on how she presents them.
4. Forgive before you write. When you sit down to write about a person who has hurt you in some way, be sure you have forgiven that person before you put your hands on the keyboard. As the author, you have complete control and can tell your story so that your readers will understand without a doubt who was the injured party and who the villain was, but you also have to be sure you’re prepared to accept the consequences. Is vindication worth ruining a relationship?
5. Speak the truth in love. If a memoir author skirts the truth in order to spare feelings, her story will not ring true. On the other hand, as she tells the truth, she must do so with love.
It took several years for my manuscript to grow from a handwritten journal to a published memoir. There were lots of edits and lots of growing pains–maybe the next one will be easier.
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Thank you for sharing so many valuable memoir writing tips, Linda. Your five principles will resonate with anyone who has the desire to write and share their story.
Author Bio:
Linda Brendle began life in a tiny west-Texas town that was so small the only clinic was on the second floor above a hardware store. She retired sixty-four years later to another tiny town in east Texas. In between she lived in and around Dallas and Tampa. She has one son and two beautiful grandchildren, and has been married to David, the love of her life, for fourteen years. She is a life-begins-at-fifty kind of gal. She received her Bachelor’s Degree at fifty-one, learned to ride a motorcycle at fifty-five, and finished her first book after she started collecting Social Security. She can’t wait to see what the next couple of decades bring.
How about you? Have you ever had to care for a loved one with Alzheimer’s or Dementia and written about the experience? Do Linda’s memoir writing principles match your experience?
Linda and her publisher at Anaiah Press have graciously agreed to give away a copy of Linda’s memoir, A Long and Winding Way to a commenter whose name will be selected in a random drawing of commenters.
We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~
Next Week:
Monday, 7/21/14: “Finding Forgiveness While Writing a Memoir” by Memoir Writer Joan Z Rough
“Bookstore browsers spend an average of 8 seconds looking at the front cover and 15 seconds studying the back cover before making a buying decision.”
Furthermore,
“Online bookstore reduce the decision time even further… in a matter of seconds your book cover either sings or is ignored among the other small thumbnail covers in the search genre.”
A book cover is supposed to hook the reader into wanting to know more, set a tone, be attractive, meet standard guidelines related to color, fonts, eye-appeal,etc.
A job for a professional graphic designer in my book. Yet, the cover has to resonate with you, the author as well.
I was fortunate to work with my publisher, Paul Burt of Pen & Publish Press and his graphic designer who offered expert services while allowing me the creative control over the final product.
The Story Behind the Book Cover Decision:
And there is story behind this book cover decision; more like a saga worthy of it’s own book.
It was not an easy path.
First, I found an image that captured the message of hope, courage and resilience I wanted to convey in my memoir. Then I envisioned a specific scene that highlighted the dance metaphor I had woven throughout the narrative. When the first graphic artist failed to replicate my vision, Paul hired another designer whom he trusted.
But this designer fell down a hill while hiking with his grandson and was hospitalized for a few weeks. Life has a way of happening when you least expect it or want it to happen. But I digress.
With great expectation, I awaited his rendition. On the day it arrived in my Dropbox, I opened it, my heart pounding. I wanted to love it.
And I didn’t. Not quite.
So I conferred with my friend and memoir colleague, Susan Weidener who happened to be my real-life guest in my home when I opened the image. We looked through some old photos, scanned Amazon memoirs and I decided…
a memoir is a slice of life and the photos before me offered a window into a specific slice of my life. I will use a photo.
After going back and forth with the graphic designer, getting input from family and friends, experimenting with fonts, I found the photo that I feel captures the heart of my story…a young single parent who fights for her children and has yet to learn that the best way to take care of them is to take care of herself.
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Ever Faithful to His Lead Synopsis
A loving family, a solid nursing career and a strong faith cannot rescue her until she decides to rescue herself.
A young woman who loses sight of the faith she has been brought up with attempts to find her way in the world, rejecting her stable roots in lieu of finding adventure and romance. Despite periods of spiritual renewal in which she receives a prophecy, she slides back, taking several self-defeating detours that take her through a series of heartbreaking events. When Kathy’s second husband, Dan’s verbal abuse escalates, Kathy finally realizes she must move on before she and her children become a statistic.
How does a young woman who came from a stable, loving family make so many wise choices when it came to career, but so many wrong choices when it came to love, so that she ended up sacrificing career and having to flee in broad daylight with her children from an abusive marriage? What is getting in her way and why does she keep taking so many self-defeating detours?
The story opens up the day Kathy feels physically threatened for the first time in her three-year marriage to her second husband. This sends her on a journey to make sense of her life and discern what part she has played in these vulnerable circumstance. She must make a decision–face her self-defeating patterns that have led to this situation and move on or repeat her mistakes. Her life and the lives of her two children are dependent upon the choices she makes and the chances she takes from this point forward.
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How about you? How did you decide on your book cover?
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~
“Friendship is the source of the greatest pleasures, and without friends even the most agreeable pursuits become tedious.”- St. Thomas Aquinas
In my upcoming memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse, I show how my girlfriends give me strength and help me move forward in my life.
Photo Credit: dreamstimefree
Martha tries to convince me not to marry when she hears my doubts. Sharon coaxes me up the stairs and out the door the day I leave my first husband because of his drinking. Jean becomes a loving caretaker of my children as I find my way as a single parent. Judy supports me before, during and after both my divorces, Eileen opens my eyes to God’s presence in my life, Rosemary, Linda and Marilyn embrace us as family when we move to Wisconsin. Mary Sue and her family become my family away from my family in Missouri. Meredith and Denise rally around me when I escape from my second husband for fear of physical abuse…
These are a few of many who stood by me—steady and true—and tried to counsel and guide me.
I had to find my own way in my own time but in the words of a famous Beatles’ tune:
“I get by with a little help from my friends”
It is with gratitude and love that I pay tribute through my story to the presence of all my girlfriends in my life.
Judy, 1987
Excerpt from Chapter 31: Moving On , 1977
One day Judy stopped to see me on her way home from work. “Just wanted to stop by before I go home,” she said, standing in my kitchen. “How are you?”
She had worked all day teaching nursing classes at the university, yet her short, light-brown hair softly framed her face. Her tailored black skirt and crisp white blouse with the collar that stood up in the back of her neck made her look like she was just getting ready to do a presentation at a board meeting. Her dark-rimmed glasses gave her an air of authority though her ready smile and crystal-blue eyes telegraphed genuine concern. The simple silver choker and matching round silver earrings completed the picture.“I look a mess, Judy,” I said, wiping my forehead with the back of one of my dirty hands. My hair was falling in my eyes; I wore no make-up and a wrinkled T-shirt and jeans. Deeply entrenched in work-mode, I was taking down my storm windows in the dining room and replacing them with screens, a dreaded task due to the deteriorating condition of the windows and the screens.
“You know, I could never do what you do; take care of two kids, the house, change windows, a job, all alone like you do,” she said. “I really give you credit. You are much stronger than you realize.”
“I never thought of myself as the strong one, Judy,” I responded, blowing the hair out of my eyes while feeling surprised and yet honored by her declaration.
“Well, you are,” she said, then put her hand on the doorknob to leave. “Gotta go. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”
“Thanks for stopping by,” I said. “I’m fine. I’ll get by with a little help from my friends.”
She turned and paused at the doorway then walked over to me with outstretched arms.
“You’re an inspiration to me,” she said, hugging me. “Take care. I’ll see you soon.”
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Girlfriends Cathy, Jean, Sharon and Eileen, 2001
Mary Sue, 2004Meredith and Denise. 2004
How about you? What kind of girlfriend stories do you have to share?
I’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~
Next Week:
Monday, 7/7/14: “Interview with Artis Henderson:How to Transform Grief into Story by Dorit Sasson, author and radio host of ‘Giving Voice to Your Story.'”
“Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman, but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force.” ~Dorothy L. Sayers
How often do you find yourself thinking “I cannot fulfill my dreams because I’m getting older and past my prime”?
Enter Debra Eve who blogs at LaterBloomer about making the most of your life after 50. Debra has “always been intrigued by people who embrace art and adventure later in life. Once a month, she profiles a late-blooming artist, athlete, explorer or writer.” This week, we meet Olga and the lessons she provides for us as memoir writers. Debra and I met through my friend and colleague Janet Givens. That’s the magic of the Web. Thank you, Janet!
Welcome, Debra~
Author Debra Eve
What a Nonagenarian Javelin Thrower Can Teach Us about Writing Memoir
Olga Kotelko is a 95-year-old track and field prodigy.
She competes in eleven sports—long jump, high jump, triple jump, shot put, discus, javelin, hammer throw, 100-meter, 200-meter and 400-meter sprints, and the 4 x 100-meter relay.
She holds more than 30 world records and has won more than 750 gold medals in her age category.
At the 2009 World Masters Athletics Championships in Finland, Olga threw a javelin almost twenty feet farther than her closest competitor.
Photo Credit: iStockphoto
Why is Olga a prodigy? Because she didn’t find her talent for track and field until age 77. And she’s not alone—many Masters Athletes over age 70 start late.
I write about adult late-bloomers (being one myself), but Olga has inspired me to rethink the whole idea. We reserve the word prodigy for the young. But it has much wider meaning.
My favorite definition, from the Oxford English Dictionary, is “an amazing or unusual thing, especially one out of the ordinary course of nature.” Anyone can be a prodigy at any age.And memoir writers, especially, deviate from the ordinary course of nature.
In his book What Makes Olga Run?, Bruce Grierson describes Olga’s ordinary but remarkable life. She was born on a farm in Saskatchewan, one of eleven children. She routinely milked cows at dawn, walked three miles to school, and scrubbed fifteen sets of clothes on a washboard. At age 22, she began teaching grades one through ten in a one-room schoolhouse.
At a dance, she met John, a handsome insurance salesman. They soon married. He turned out to be an alcoholic philanderer. In the 1950s, a woman on the Canadian prairie (or anywhere) didn’t just up and leave her husband. Olga stayed for a decade, until, in a drunken rage, John put a knife to her throat.
She fled into the night with her 8-year-old daughter, pregnant with her second child. They jumped a train to Vancouver and ended up at her sister’s doorstep. “As far as I knew,” Olga recalls, “I was the first single mom in the history of the world.”
She lived with her sister for a few years, found a factory job, and studied at night for a teaching credential. She taught school for the next 34 years. When she retired, she played slow-pitch softball, but grew bored. Track and field offered a bigger running-and-throwing challenge.
So at age 77, Olga went looking for a coach.
Several universities have tried to discover Olga’s secret. She’s been stuck with needles, hooked up to electrodes, run over on virtual reality highways.
The studies confirm that something has slowed Olga’s aging process, yet they can’t quite finger what. If exercise is “driving the bus,” as Bruce Grierson puts it, attitude must be the onboard navigator.
Since the publication of What Makes Olga Run?, Olga has become a media darling and a bit of a trickster—that advanced and uncontrollable old woman Dorothy Sayers so admires. When asked, “What’s your secret?” she gives a different answer every time:
“I don’t allow people to have a negative effect on me.”
“I have a little bit of scotch now and then.”
“Enjoy life!”
After following Olga for four years, Bruce Grierson thinks he has figured it out:
Keep moving. Create routines (but sometimes break them). Believe in something. Lighten up. Begin now.
These strategies can also apply to writing, especially memoir writing:
1. Keep Moving. Any block, creative or otherwise, can be solved with movement. When we move, our bodies and brains become dance partners. Take a walk outside, let your hand flow across a piece of paper, do one then the other—just keep moving.
2. Create Routines (But Sometimes Break Them). Our bodies crave routine. It frees our minds for storytelling and problem-solving. But if we occasionally break routine, we jolt our bodies and brains out of lazy shortcuts and force them to adapt. How can you apply this idea to your writing style and schedule?
3. Believe in Something. It doesn’t matter what. Olga is devoutly religious, but she also believes in the wonders of massage and reflexology. As psychologist James Fowler notes, belief is a trait marked by “the tendency to embrace puzzles, to see life’s dark spots as necessary tasks.”
4. Lighten Up. What did I mean by “memoir writers deviate from the ordinary course of nature”? If your life stays the course, you won’t write a memoir. As some point, you must navigate a deep, dark sea of stress, like Olga fleeing across a continent at night. Your memoir will arise from its depths. But stress hides in muscle and in memory. Self-care and exercise can help you “lighten up” and write through it.
5. Begin Now. Here’s Bruce Grierson’s observation about boomers: “We’re rested, we’re restless, we’re ready.” A perfect prescription for writing memoir.
At the risk of sounding cliché, it’s never too late to become a prodigy, an amazing unusual thing out of the ordinary course of nature, an advanced and uncontrollable old woman (or man). Why even try?
As Olga Kotelko says, “To inspire, that’s the name of the game.” And of course, she walks her talk.
At 95, she just finished her memoir.
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Thank you for introducing us to Olga and her remarkable story, Debra. Olga, you are a role model and inspiration for all of us. You show us with style and grace how age is in our mind. It’s never too late to fulfill our dreams. Thank you!
Bio:
Debra Eve is a nonfiction writer who blogs about creativity and positive aging at Later Bloomer. You can find her most popular essays on Kindle. She also holds an MA in Anthropology from UCLA, where she was the last assistant to archaeologist Marija Gimbutas, a colleague of Joseph Campbell. She helped bring Dr. Gimbutas’s final book, The Living Goddesses, to print. She is also the assistant managing editor of the online literary journal, Compose.
Debra’s current work-in-progress explores the intersection of archaeology and storytelling. She lives in Los Angeles with her British husband and two 25 lb Maine Coon cats.
Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway - John Wayne
Photo Credit: Free Google Images
So often when we write a memoir, the story develops a life of its own and becomes a part of a larger cause. This is certainly the case for Pamela Koefoed who began advocating for abused children and teaching audiences how to overcome a painful past after publishing her memoir. It is my pleasure to introduce you to Pamela whose memoir Joyride: Life, Death and Forgivenessis a riveting story of hope and overcoming child abuse. Pamela will discuss how writing her memoir helped her to defeat fear and find her mission of helping child abuse survivors. My reviews can be found on Amazon, Goodreads, Shelfari and LibraryThings.
Book Synopsis:
Pamela Koefoed tells the story from the child’s point of view, recalling in vivid detail the events leading up to four house fires, her narrow escape from them, and the conviction of the arsonist. She depicts the heart touching tale of being left alone for weeks with her eleven year old sister and baby brother, and describes how they managed to deter notice from Child Welfare. Pamela and her sister surprise us all by their spunkiness, indomitable joy, and resiliency. Due to their circumstances, they draw on the love they have for each other and rise above the unthinkable to show us all the way to a richer and more meaningful life. If you enjoyed The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls, you’ll loveJoyRide: Life, Death and Forgiveness (from Amazon author page).
Welcome, Pamela!
Memoir Author and Advocate Pamela Koefoed
My Journey of Defeating Fear to Help Others
As a child and into young adulthood, I lived in a place of powerlessness known as “the conspiracy of silence” where painful, unexplainable experiences were never mentioned and where we went on with daily life as if we were a mini version of the idyllic family of the popular sitcom that ran in the late sixties and seventies, the Brady Bunch.
But there was a problem with this way of being—it wasn’t true. My mother wasn’t the Carol Brady, doting sort of parent. In her childrearing, there was little room for mothering and her general philosophy was more in line with the idea that life is a party, so pass another beer. A lifestyle like my mother’s doesn’t allow space for children. Consequently, my childhood was similar in many ways to the thousands of children who are neglected by parents or guardians each year in the United States.
In addition to being a victim to neglect, when I was eight-years-old my mother was arrested and charged as a felon for committing crimes, which put our entire household in grave danger. On four occasions, I fled for my life, twice barely escaping death. To top off all of this craziness, after my mother’s release from a California correctional facility, my nine-year-old sister and I were returned to her care.
Sixteen years ago, the conspiracy of silence that had held me powerless lost its grip and I began sharing snippets of my testimony publicly.
The first time I stood in front of a group to speak about my past is especially memorable. I stood nervously near a podium before a small congregation of fifty to sixty parishioners at the non-denominational church my husband and I attend. Adrenaline rushed through my system, causing my head to feel detached from my body and constricting my vocal chords. I opened my mouth to speak—my voice trembled and my speech was nothing more than thin, wispy breathes. I thought I would throw up, but somehow I managed to be heard and, obviously, I lived through the ordeal.
When we’re afraid and follow our convictions anyway, we’re victorious.
After my initiation into public speaking, there were many more opportunities to speak to groups; for years, I did so with my very being engulfed in anxiety. Eventually, those negative feelings vanished, but it took great perseverance, some faith, hard work and encouragement from family and friends.
In 2009, the executive director of my county’s CASA program, Court Appointed Special Advocates, asked me to run the program, giving me the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of children who have experiences similar in many ways to my own childhood. Initially, the uncertainties and the what if’s hounded me. The stories of maltreated children would confront me. Might I have nightmares? What if I broke into tears in the courtroom while presenting these children’s needs and wishes? How healed am I, really? Am I even qualified?
The greatest enemy,as someone once said, isn’t fear. From time-to-time, everyone feels afraid. It’s coming into agreement with fear and believing the nagging doubts instead of embracing the truth—you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.
I accepted the position as the director for my county’s CASA program and embraced a new season.Stepping into this role proved to me that the very things I had feared were nothing more than shadows and that advocating for children is an ideal fit. Right next to death, on the list of things we humans are afraid of, comes public speaking, and I think next to this comes writing a survival memoir, which I’m grateful to have completed last year, and next to this would be hearing the stories of children who have had hellish childhoods. All of this sends shivers up our spines, causes labored breathing, our hands to sweat, our stomachs to churn—yikes!
When you’re faced with an opportunity to do good and help others, whether it’s through volunteer work, writing a memoir, or taking a new job, and if fear is hounding you, let me leave you with a little advice from our friend John Wayne, saddle up anyway. The world will be a better place because you cared.
Ministry Klamath Falls
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Thank you Pamela for sharing your inspirational story of surviving childhood abuse and overcoming fear. You remind us of the power of memoir writing to heal and help us connect with a higher mission. I can’t help but feel your noble work of advocating for children who have been abused is a perfect fit for you!
Author Bio and Contact Information: Pamela Koefoed, originally from Sacramento, California is a child abuse survivor and a daughter of an ex-felon. In addition to writing numerous articles for websites and blogs, she has authored two books. Her latest book is JoyRide: Life, Death and Forgiveness, a Memoir. When not writing, Pamela directs a child advocacy agency program and is a frequent guest speaker on radio shows and at events around the nation. Pamela and her husband have been married for 25 years. They enjoy golden sunsets and coyote serenades from the back deck of their rural home in southern Oregon
JoyRide: Life, Death and Forgiveness is available from the website, http://joyridebook.com, from Amazon, and by requesting it in bookstores.
How about you? Has writing your memoir led you to a higher mission? or helped you to overcome a fear?
Pamela has graciously offered to give away one copy of JoyRide: Life, Death and Forgiveness to a commenter whose name will be selected in a random drawing.
We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~
Announcement:Congratulations, Tracy Lee Karner! Your name was selected in a random drawing of commenters to receive Nina Amir’s book, The Author Training Manual.
Next week: “What Goes Into a Successful Pubslush Crowdfunding Campaign?”
Day #28 and 97% funded! My Pubslush Crowdfunding Campaign for my memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse ends at midnight on June 11, in 2 more days
Thanks to your generous contributions I am within reach of a successful campaign!
In making a contribution you will help me spread the messages of hope, resilience and courage to those seeking freedom from abuse.
Now that the time is closing in on pushing that publish button for my memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse, I can share some lessons I’ve learned in the process.
Photo Credit: dreamstimefree
When I think of what has brought me from the desire to write a book to publishing a memoir, I think of the 3 P’s:
Purpose-driven Passion:
The desire to find a story then share it with the world requires every bit of stamina, focus and commitment one can muster. Once I found my story of getting into and out of two emotionally abusive marriages, I was able to make a firm commitment (to myself) to get my story out there. I became connected to my purpose for writing and sharing a message of hope, resilience and courage for those who found themselves in similar circumstances. It is possible to climb out of the abyss of poor decisions and to move on to live life on your own terms. That connection to purpose fueled my passion and kept me moving toward publication. The passion helped me work my way around my self-doubt, my hesitancy to re-live the pain of poor decisions and my concern about what others would think or say. Five years worth of starts and stops and many edits later, I found my story taking shape. Passion for my story drove it forward.
Purpose/flickr creative commons
Patience:
Ah, yes. I would never tell anyone they could write their memoir in six weeks or six months or even six years. I know Augusten Burroughs cranked out his memoir Running with Scissors in two weeks. There are always exceptions, and he is clearly one of them. I have found that it truly is a process and a journey, determined solely by the person who is writing the story. The story I started out writing is not the story I will end up publishing. I didn’t even find that story until I had written reams of vignettes over a three-year peroid, experimented with voice, tense and structure, received substantive feedback from beta readers and professional editors, and killed many of “my darlings” that did not add to the narrative. And I’ll admit, there were times I truly wondered if I would ever really end up publishing the story. I could not rush it. But, if I was patient and committed to writing, I found my story developed nicely and was getting groomed for publication. I had to be patient and let it find its own time.
All I needed to do was write from my heart and the story that needed to be told revealed itself to me.
heart/ flickr creative commons
Perseverance:
Amen to this one. Once I had devoted the time and energy to my memoir, I knew I did not want to give up on it. I had already put in years of work, to say nothing of the emotional upheaval of facing past mistakes and gleaning lessons learned for both myself and my readers. It began to shape itself into a story with a beginning, middle and an end. It had a message and a purpose. I couldn’t let it down. I had to persevere through the doubts, past my inner critic, through the learning curves, some steeper than others, and onward.
Overcome Flickr Creative Commons
Ever Faithful to His Lead will be born very soon—July is the target month. Launch date TBA.
Passion for my story and its purpose, patience to let it unfold as it is meant to and perseverance to power through all the obstacles and challenges of publishing in the 21st century all helped me reach this milestone.
How about you? I’d love to hear what has powered you to reach your goal of publishing. Please leave your comments below~
This Week:
Announcement: Congratulations to Louise Mathewsonfor being the winner of Nancy Sharp’s memoir, Both Sides Now: A True Story of Love, Loss, and Bold Living!
Monday, 06/02/14: I’m over at Susan Weidener’s Women’s Writing Circle blog with a guest post about a theme in my memoir: “Memoir Explores Woman as Caretaker.” Hope you’ll stop by and join in that conversation too.
Thursday, 06/05/14: “Author Attitude : What Is it and Why Do I Need It? WOW Women on Writing Book Tour & Giveaway with Nina Amir.”
Week #4 and 83% funded!
My Pubslush Crowdfunding Campaign for my memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse ends at midnight on June 11.
Thanks to your generous contributions, I’m so close and headed for the home stretch with only 9 more days to go!
By making a contribution you will help spread the messages of hope, resilience and courage to those seeking freedom from abuse.
“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” William Shakespeare
I am thrilled to feature Keynote Speaker and Author Nancy Sharp in this Google+ Interview about her memoir, Both Sides Now: A True Story of Love, Loss, and Bold Living. This powerful memoir is about giving love and life your all then moving on with grace and strength to build a new life after loss and grief. It is a stunning tribute to the beauty of love and the resilience of the human spirit.
Both Sides Now has recently been selected for The 2014 National Indie Excellence Award in the grief and loss category:
and The 2014 International Book Awards Winner:
Synopsis:
The past is simply part of our story; just not the whole story...On the very day that Nancy Sharp delivered premature twins, she learned that her husband’s brain cancer returned after eighteen months in remission. Less than three years later, at the age of 37, she became a widow. But while many in that situation would crumble, Nancy had an innate ability to hold life and death in the same moment. She learned to “see beyond the frame’s edge.” In BOTH SIDES NOW: A True Story of Love, Loss, and Bold Living, Nancy shares her unforgettable journey – one that offers enlightened understanding for living life to the fullest. Her story is a gift to those looking to lift themselves from the embers of loss and adversity through bold living.
Welcome, Nancy!
Memoir Author and Keynote Speaker Nancy Sharp
Memoir Author Nancy Sharp on Her New Memoir, Both Sides Now:
KP: Both Sides Now is a very raw and personal story of loss and renewal. What made you decide to write your story as a memoir?
NS: It had to take this form in order to render my experience as authentically as possible. That said, writing the story took time, because, well, seeing takes time, healing takes time. I had already processed my husband Brett’s death, but the writing process required me to distill particular moments (scenes) that would best serve the narrative. Brett’s illness was a long one – nearly seven years from diagnosis until his death. No one wants to read about all the trials and tribulations of those seven years, or of the period of mourning that followed. Readers comment on the rawness of the writing in Both Sides Now. And yet I had to be emotionally detached in order to write. After all, this isn’t just my story. It’s everyone’s story. Because loss–no matter how narrow or broadly you define it–is universal. Both Sides Now is the giveback of loss, my own loss, and yet I wrote it as a gift for others.
KP: How long did it take you to find your story?
NS: I first started to write the memoir following more of a traditional narrative using longish chapters and more of a straight chronological format. I wrote several chapters but felt stifled by my own words. I needed breathing space. Then it hit me that if I felt this way, surely my readers would need breathing space as well. Time to pause and reflect upon their own stories. I came to see that I needed to write the book in fragments because that is the way of healing. There is nothing linear about the process. Similarly, we needed white space to process and dream. The entire process was an evolution; I’d say it took a good three years to tackle the writing.
KP: Can you describe your writing process?
NS: Fits and starts with lots of 5 a.m. wake-ups in order to claim quiet time before getting my twins ready for school. I love the stillness of early morning.
KP: You wrote Both Sides Now is short chapters and you refer to your first husband Brett in the second person, as “you”. After he dies, you change to the third person. What made you decide to use that structure and those points of view?
NS: I addressed the short chapters and fragments above, but yes, I did in fact alter the voice throughout the course of the book. Here’s why. Writing about Brett in the second person draws readers into our world in a very intimate fashion; they are right there with us, experiencing the wild swings of joy and sorrow. But when he dies, I felt that the third person would create necessary distance and perspective.
KP: What are your memoir takeaways, the message you most want to reach your readers?
NS: No matter what obstacles life presents… you must find ways to move forward. That is the gift of bold living.
KP: Can you describe your path to publication?
NS: The publishing processis a very slippery slope. I do have a literary agent who did a terrific job trying to pitch the book to many different houses. She received letter after letter complimenting the writing and the power of the narrative, but alas, none of these traditional publishing houses leapt at the chance to acquire Both Sides Now. Just because people like – even love – a story, doesn’t guarantee a book deal. There are so many extraneous factors involved. Had we persisted with smaller houses, I’m confident that the book would have been acquired. But then several friends of mine who are professional speakers urged me to retain control of the book, so that I would have the ability to reprint copies for years to come and not be beholden to a publishing house that might not do this (as is very customary). In addition to using my written voice, I use my speaking voice to reach others, delivering programs on loss, faith, second acts and bold living to a variety of groups. It was one of my MFA graduate mentors who introduced me to Mitchell Kaplan, founder of Books & Booksand the Miami Book Fair International. He is also past president of the American Booksellers Association. Mitchell decided to publish the book under Books & Books Press, an independent publishing house. I’ve been very happy with the arrangement.
KP: Do you have any memoir writing tips to share?
NS: Writers must be exceedingly patient and flexible in order to visualize the right way to tell their stories. Experiment with structure and voice. Play with different forms. Reflect upon theme using a multi-sensory approach. Do these things and eventually you will discover the best way to render your story.
Thank you Nancy for sharing your memoir writer’s journey with us. I appreciate your practical points about writing a memoir. Your story has touched many people in a healing and hopeful way. Best wishes for your ongoing success reaching more readers.
Author Bio:
Nancy Sharp is a writer and keynote speaker who frequently talks to large groups about loss, renewal, and bold living. She holds a MFA in Creative Nonfiction from Goucher College and writes regularly for The Huffington Post, and for numerous online media, national magazines, and regional newspapers. Nancy authors two blogs: Vivid Living: Life in Full Bloom…Thorns and All®, and Tasting Life with Nancy Sharp. Nancy lives in Denver with her husband, Steve Saunders, and their four children, ages thirteen through twenty-three. Learn more at NancySharp.net.
Monday, 06/02/14: “The 3 P’s of Publishing a Memoir.”
Halfway there and 81% funded!
My Pubslush Crowdfunding Campaign for my memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse ends at midnight on June 11. This week I’m offering a special time limited award of a decorative journal to the first ten people who either contribute for the first time or for backers who can answer this question on Facebook or via email:
“When have you chosen to move on and not repeat your mistakes?”
By making a contribution you will help spread the messages of hope, resilience and courage to those seeking freedom from abuse.Here’s the link to the campaign:
Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Cindi McVey
“Where we love is home–home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.”Oliver Wendell Holmes,Sr.
I am very pleased to feature memoir author Cindi McVey in this Google+ Hangout interview. Cindi is the author of To Live in Paradise: A Memoir of Dreams Found and Dreams Lost in the Heart of Africa. Cindi and I met through her publisher at Homebound Publications, Leslie M. Browning. I believe the mission of Homebound Publications as stated on their website resonates with Cindi’s memoir:
“It is the intention of those at Homebound to revive contemplative storytelling and introduce a new mythology that will directly aid mankind in the trials we face in the present.”
Book Description:
To Live in Paradise: A Memoir of Dreams Found and Lost in the Heart of Africa Book Cover
Her adventures include a cheetah attack, rioting crowds, inspiring safaris, and eye-to-eye snake encounters, shared with endearing characters who are her friends. Within this tale of an American’s affair with a vibrant yet imperiled land, also unfolds a story of loss for one of Earth’s last Edens.
Set amid the magic and struggles of Africa, To Live in Paradise is the poignant memoir of a young American woman who finds herself swept up in an intriguing new life in Zimbabwe, just as this paradise country takes a critical turn in its history. As the idyll unravels, the nation applauded as Africa’s success story plunges into a lawless land where tyrants rule. In a clash of humanity and earth, an unparalleled wilderness and a distressed nation both fight for survival.
KP: To Live in Paradise is a poignant memoir about a young woman’s journey to Africa and how that journey transformed her. At what point did you realize you needed to tell your story?
CM:As described in my book, there were often times when I was out in the wilderness or countryside by myself, usually on horseback, and I would look around me and say in my mind, “Hey everyone, look! You guys have GOT to see this!” I wished that others could experience the awesome beauty and sense of peace that I felt from being there. It was only later, though, that the idea of sharing it by writing a book occurred to me.
KP: Your connection to Africa seemed to be a powerful theme in your memoir. You personify both Africa and Zimbabwe by referring to them as “she.” When and how did you discover this connection?
CM: Once again, I was often out in this grand wilderness by myself, but not for a moment did I feel alone. It was as though a great, comforting presence was with me, and like we were speaking to each other. This presence also felt distinctly feminine, like an aunt, big sister or wise friend. The wilderness definitely had a soul to me and was something more than an “it”. Rather, a “she”.
KP: You use vivid imagery to bring the country and its people alive to your reader. Can you share with us how you were able to capture your experience is such rich detail?
“A gentle rain had pattered down most of the day, but by early evening when I arrived home the sky had cleared to powder-blue. I wandered out to the veranda where I could settle into the molded comfort of my woven-grass chair, and feeling peaceful, watched a brawny sun dip towards the horizon, making the droplets on every leaf sparkle. While I breathed in the misted evening’s intoxicating scent, I smiled to see my favorite birds—the dainty Blue Waxbills—delicately pick seeds from the bird feeder, until the rowdy Masked Weaver pushed his way in. Nearby, iridescent starlings shimmered blue-green and purple, as they hopped about on the lawn. Flocks of ribbon-tailed swallows swept high across the sky, while perky lizards darted about on the low brick wall in front of me. Even the trees seemed content, swaying to the subtle rhythm of the wind.”
CM: All my descriptions come from a heartfelt place, and this passage particularly so because, in addition to the sheer beauty of nature that I often describe in my book, this scene has a lot of personal meaning. I’m also describing my home, so there is a comforting, secure feeling. But it is also a home which I’ll soon be leaving, and so I’m feeling a little unsettled, which makes the small details of “home” become more poignant.
KP: Who is your audience and how do you plan to connect with them?
CM: My aim was to appeal to a broad audience. I did try to incorporate elements that would captivate a range of readers, like some action scenes, plus themes we all can relate to, like being young and having dreams that don’t go exactly as planned. And of course there is the obvious appeal for those who enjoy nature or simply yearn for adventure.
KP: What is the most important takeaway message you hope to convey to your reader?
CM:I hope readers come away with a greater value of wilderness and nature, how ever far away it may be, and feeling a tangible loss to its disappearance. If we don’t realize that something is being taken from us, we won’t know to stand up for it, in whatever small way that we can.
KP: What did you learn about yourself through writing your memoir?
CM: You know, I’ve been told a few times in my life that I’m stubborn, and now I’m starting to believe it! Actually, it’s not stubborn so much as determined. I finished the first draft of the manuscript in 2001, and sent queries out that year as well. It was 2013 before I signed a publishing contract. Somehow I didn’t ever give up after rejection upon rejection, turning all comments into improvements, and trudging on. It was sheer doggedness that kept me going at times. It’s been a testament to how hard work and determination can truly pay off.
KP: Do you have any memoir writing tips for other writers who are writing a memoir?
CM: With memoir, the reader either needs to identify with you (as the main character of the book) or have empathy for you. I’ve read memoirs where, as the story goes on, I start to dislike the main character (the memoirist). This was because I disagreed with choices he made, or hurts that he caused, for which he didn’t sufficiently show regret or try to rectify the wrong. Maybe he did have regret in real life, but if so, that wasn’t adequately conveyed in his story. All stories need “conflict”; just remember to adequately explain why you made the choices you did, or how you wished you done things differently. You’ll be given greater leeway when your reader identifies with you on a personal level, but when appealing to a broader audience, make sure that any “conflict” gets fully explained. In my case, in early drafts of my book, people needed to better understand why I would run off to a crazy place like Africa (of course, adventurers needed no more explanation.
You can also ask your local bookstore to order it if they don’t have it on their shelf.
***
Thank you Cindi for sharing your memoir writer’s journey and for offering so many helpful tips. Writing from the heart is the key to inviting readers into our stories. You do that very well in your memoir.
Author Bio:
I was born and raised in Alaska, by parents who loved the wilderness and felt blessed to have a home there. My parents made adventure commonplace, taking my sister and I skiing, clam digging, camping on the river and in the mountains, fishing, hiking and exploring. Life was about trying new things and living to the fullest.
So to them, my trips to Africa in my twenties were what life was meant to be: Discovering, experiencing the new and different, pushing the envelope. My decision to move there, however, and live 10,000 miles from home was met with somewhat less enthusiasm. But what could they say, having done the same themselves, moving all the way up north to Alaska and so very far from “home”.
As described in To Live in Paradise, I first owned an automotive engineering shop, overhauling engines. Later I owned an auto glass business, replacing windshields and door glasses in cars, trucks, buses and anything else. With a business degree from the University of Alaska Anchorage, having my own business was always a goal. Africa runs on entrepreneurship, and being self-employed was a natural path to follow.
I am part Alaskan, part African, all American, and for now, a bit of a gypsy. The reality of economics means Africa cannot be my home at present. But every day I hear her calling, feel her presence, and know that, surely, the time will come to return home.
How about you ? Have you experienced a bond to another country and its people through your travels?
Cindi and her publisher, Leslie Browning of Homebound Publications have graciously offered to give away a copy of To Live in Paradise to a commenter whose name will be selected in a random drawing.
We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~
“A Dedication for Ever Faithful to His Lead: A Memoir Moment”
Thursday, 5/22/14:
“Google+ Hangout Interview with Mary C Gottschalk about Her Debut Novel, A Fitting Place”
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The Pubslush Crowdfunding Campaign for my memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse was launched on May 12 and is 17% closer to its goal. The campaign ends a midnight on June 11.
By making a contribution you will help spread the messages of hope, resilience and courage to those seeking freedom from abuse. Here’s the link to the campaign:
