Tag Archives: memoir writing

Finding Forgiveness, Memoir

Finding Forgiveness While Writing Memoir by Joan Z Rough

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Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Joan Z Rough/@joanzrough

 

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”

― Mother Teresa

I am very pleased to feature memoir writer Joan Z Rough in this guest post on finding forgiveness while writing memoir. Joan is working on a memoir, Me, Myself and Mom: A Journey Through Love, Hate and Healing. I have had the privilege of being one of Joan’s beta readers and can tell you her powerful and well-written exploration of a mother-daughter relationship carries a universal message that will resonate with many.  

Welcome , Joan!

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Author and Blogger Joan Z Rough

 

Finding Forgiveness While Writing Memoir

I first started writing stories about my family three years after my mother died. A number of friends and acquaintances had told me that my stories were compelling, and filled with life lessons that others would find helpful.  I’d written poetry for a number of years and enjoyed writing essays about the natural world. But I knew little about writing about my own life, which is far from spectacular. I wondered who would care.

 

I was still reeling from the challenges of having been my mother’s caretaker for seven years. For most of that time, she lived in our home, with my husband and me.  I was in extreme emotional pain, and felt intense anger toward everyone around me. I knew I was in trouble. I started seeing a therapist who helped me accept and explore the idea that I was struggling with PTSD. I decided to take a “Life Writing” class and started a blog, to share stories with my family and anyone else who might be interested.

 

Some stories were easy to write. They were about the good times … often humorous, painting my family as typically closely knit, full of love and caring. But as my therapist helped me dig through the past, other stories I’d unconsciously hidden began to rise to the surface. They were about child abuse and the way my parents had treated me when I was a kid. I couldn’t share them on my blog. I was too tender. The bruises left from the last years of my mom’s life were still dark hues of black and blue. Healing was a ways off.

 

When the word memoir became a frequent word in my vocabulary, I began to see how patterns of abuse and my denial had resulted in frequent depression, and severe anxiety. During the years that Mom lived with me, many of our old ways of behaving had been repeating themselves. I was still trying to be the good girl, desperately seeking her approval. She was rarely happy with me, narcissistic, an alcoholic, someone I hated, yet dearly loved.

 

When I discovered that the raging fire of anger I was trying to extinguish was directed at my mother, I began looking more closely at her life. I knew that her mother had been considered mentally ill, and that she and Mom had also had a difficult relationship. But my mom was one of those people who hid many of her stories from the light of day.  When I began reexamining what I knew about her, I began to see the huge connections that we shared as mother and daughter.  We had both been abused by our mothers. Mom self-medicated with booze, and found extreme self-love to be her ticket out of her own recollections of abuse. We both used denial as a salve on our wounded spirits. I struggled with depression and panic attacks.  And subconsciously, I believed I had inherited my grandmother’s insanity.

 

As I continued to work on my memoir, more connections surfaced. Forgiveness for my mother fell into place, diminishing my hatred and anger. The out-of-control flames I had been carrying with me, turned into compassion and understanding. I began to realize that forgiveness is not about forgetting. It’s about acceptance and the willingness to let go of the past.

I found out that I am not insane, and that I could replace my victimhood, with joy and love for all of life.

 

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming memoir, ME, MYSELF, AND MOM, A Journey Through Love, Hate, and Healing.

Mom and Me 2
Mom and Me

After Mom’s death, while packing up our belongings for a move to a new home, a remnant of her past appeared in the form of a well worn, high school year book. Her name was written on the inside front cover. I set it aside wanting to examine it more closely later.  Once unpacked, I opened the cover of, “The 1938 Record,” and started turning its pages to see what they could tell me about my mom.

 

It’s filled with notes from friends … freshman, on up to seniors, who mentioned her sweetness and wished her good luck in life. When I look to see what class she was in, I find no sign of her in the freshman, sophomore, or junior classes. Knowing she had never graduated from high school, I won’t find her in the senior class. I notice that the eighth grade is included in the book. As I scan the group photo, there she is, standing in the back row, a good head taller than the rest of her classmates. Her name is included in the list of students under the photo.

 

I do the math. She was born in 1923. The year printed on the cover of this yearbook is 1938. I’m stunned. She was fifteen years old at the time and she was in the eighth grade.

 

Overtaken by deep sorrow, I understand why she had hidden her past. Ashamed that she never finished school, she was like so many who have been abused, taking the blame for the misdeeds she suffered from. I had never put the puzzle pieces of her life together. She didn’t go to high school because she had to work, and by age sixteen she was on her own, working in a lace factory.

 

This was only one of the discoveries I made about my mother that I hadn’t understood before I found her yearbook. Others came through family members or rereading my journals, where I often scribbled notes to myself and then forgot about them.

The writing process opened my eyes to my own blind spots, bringing me healing and forgiveness, as I learned more about her difficult life.

 

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Rainbow after the storm/ dreamstimefree

***

Author Bio and contact information:

Joan Rough is an artist, poet, and writer of nonfiction.  Her poems have been published in a variety of journals, and are included in the anthology, Some Say Tomato, by Mariflo Stephens. Her first book, AUSTRALIAN LOCKER HOOKING: A New Approach to a Traditional Craft, was published in 1980. She is currently at work on her upcoming memoir, ME, MYSELF AND MOM, A Journey Through Love, Hate, and Healing.

 

You can follow Joan’s blog on her website at http://joanzrough.com

Twitter

https:// twitter.com/JoanZRough,

Facebook

Personal page: www.facebook.com/joanz.rough

Author page: www.facebook.com/JoanZRough.Author

***

Thank you Joan for sharing your powerful message of forgiveness  through your memoir writing journey and your memoir excerpt. My favorite line that I feel captures the essence of your story is: “The out-of-control flames I had been carrying with me, turned into compassion and understanding.” I am anxious to see your memoir in print.

 

How about you? Has writing helped you to find forgiveness?

 

We’d love to hear from you . Please leave your comments below~

 

ANNOUNCEMENT: 

Congratulations, Christina Stark! Your name was select dian a random drawing of commenters to receive a copy of Linda Brendle’s memoir, A Long and Winding Road: A Caregivers’ Tale of Life, Loss and Chaos”.

 

 

 

This Week:

Monday, 7/21: I’m honored to be featured on Tracy Lee Karner’s blog this week. Tracy is a food, travel and creative writer whose main goals include “living creatively, inventively and well and sharing our stories and experiences “.

 

Next Week:

Monday, 7/28: “ The Birth of a Memoir: Ever Faithful to His Lead Launches”

 

Pooler Final Cover

 

Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Ever-Faithful-His-Lead-Emotional/dp/0985936797/

 

Memoir Writing Tips

An Interview with Memoir Author Karen Leahy: The Summer of Yes

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Posted by Kathleen Pooler /@kathypooler with Karen Leahy/@KCLeahy

 

 

“The convent became too tight a container for my life.  I believe that many women have the equivalent of the “convent” in their lives—conditions that limit and diminish them, such as bad marriages or stifling jobs, and from which they must free themselves to live fuller lives.  If my story gives them any sense of possibility that they too can change the course of their lives, can say Yes to their spirit’s cry for survival, I will be happy.”  The Summer of Yes, page 6, Karen Leahy

 

 

I am very happy to feature Memoir Author Karen Leahy in this interview to discuss her recently released memoir, The Summer of Yes: An Ex-Nun’s Story. Karen and I met at the International Women Writer’s Guild (IWWG)’s annual summer conference at Drew University in August, 2013. 

My reviews of her memoir can be found on Amazon and Goodreads.

 

Welcome, Karen!

 

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Memoir Author Karen Leahy

 

 

KP: The Summer of Yes is a story of self-discovery and transformation as you take us on your journey into then out of the convent. When did you decide to write a memoir about this experience? What is the main message you hope to convey?

 

KL: I had avoided talking or even thinking about my convent years for decades after leaving. About 10 years ago, I wrote a few paragraphs about the convent in a writing workshop, and the floodgates opened. After I wrote the book, I put it away for a few years, unable to decide whether to actually publish it because a memoir leaves you so exposed. I finally decided to make it public because I felt I had a good story as well as a message to others: listen “to your spirit’s cry for survival” and take action.

 

KP: When I read your memoir, I was struck by your ability to convey your struggles in such an honest way. What was it like for you to face these struggles as you wrote your memoir?

 

KL: that It was painful at times, and I wrote some sections through tears, but it was also freeing.  In the book, I tell of the “conspiracy of silence” that held sway in my family’s home and that followed me into the convent.  I couldn’t express my feelings during all those years, and I was doing it in writing. Now I feel like a stronger, more “real” person. I never expected this result from writing the memoir, but am delighted with it.

 

KP: Most memoir writers have to face the fact that their version of the story may not coincide with others’ version of the same story. Did you find this to be an issue and if so, how did you handle it?

 

KL: I recognized that this was inevitably so.  I say in the first chapter that my memory of events that happened decades ago is unreliable.  But it’s MY story, told as honestly as I was able to tell it.

 

KP: We all have stories within to share but not all stories turn into a memoir that appeals to others. I found your memoir to be inspirational and enlightening. How did you turn your life events into a story that engages readers?

 

KL:  I set out only to tell my story but found myself taking plenty of time to reflect on how it might help others. As I wrote, I began to see that the themes of surviving hardship and opening to a whole-hearted affirmation of life were part of the story, and I looked for words and images to convey these themes clearly.

 

KP: What made you decide to self-publish through Create Space?

 

KL: Well, being 71 was a big factor! I don’t have a lot of time to wait around for agents and publishers to choose my book, and then possibly several more years before it would come into print.  A friend who had published through CreateSpace encouraged me, and voila!

 

KP: How do you plan to market your book?

 

KL: For me, writing the book was much easier than marketing.  But I’m reading a lot of advice online, listening to what other writers have done and learning as I go.  I’ll have a table at the Boston Book Festival on October 19 (come say hello to me in “Indie Row”), and I arranged for the Independent Book Publishers Association to represent my book at the Frankfurt (Germany) Book Fair, October 9-13. I’ve had a number of readings/book-signings, including a table at the IWWG conference in August, and plan to arrange more at book stores in major cities in the Northeast.  I’m very grateful for opportunities such as this interview.

 

 

KP: Do you have any memoir writing tips to share?

 

KL: Number 1: START!  Start anywhere, and try to keep your inner critic quiet as you let the first draft flow. Carry a small notebook with you and jot down memories and ideas that you might want to develop later.  Don’t worry about structure at the beginning; you can play with that later.  And be listening all along for what it is you really want to say. Courage!

 ***

Thank you, Karen for sharing your publishing journey with us. I especially appreciate your advice about taking time to reflect upon your story’s meaning to yourself and others and to keep writing past your inner critic.

 

Author Bio and contact information:

Karen Leahy is happy to be alive and publishing her first book at age 72. She is a senior editor at Dunton Publishing, free­lance writer and editor and sometimes poet.

Since leaving the convent after 11 years as a Catholic nun and teacher of English and music, Karen has held positions as activist, speaker, vocalist, music teacher, assistant to prominent religious leaders and event planner.  Though she has co-written short biographies for seniors to leave as legacies for their children and grandchildren, The Summer of Yes is her first full-length book.

An Ohio native, she now lives close enough to New York City to enjoy its arts & culture, food and energy with her cultured, food-loving boyfriend and spirited friends.

Follow Karen on her website/blog, www.karenleahy.com, on Facebook at Karen Leahy, and on Twitter @KCLeahy.

And if you are in Boston for the Boston Book Festival on October 19, 2013, be sure to stop by Karen’s table. She’ll be in front of the John Hancock Tower in a new Festival section for self-published authors called “Indie Row”

Karen-Leahy-The-Summer-Of-Yes COVER
The Summer of Yes Book Cover

The Summer of Yes can be ordered from Amazon or from Karen’s website

 

How about you?  Have you been reluctant to write your story, then found strength as you kept writing?

 

Karen has graciously offered to give away one copy of her memoir to a lucky commenter whose name will be selected in a random drawing.

 

We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~

 

 

Friday, October 18: Denis Ledoux returns with the third session on Memoir Writing Tips: “Establish Your Setting.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reading Habits of a Writer, Writing

What Do Writers Read? A Guest Post by Memoir Author Belinda Nicoll

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A guest post by Belinda Nicoll/@BelindaNicoll

“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” Benjamin Franklin

I am very pleased to feature Freelance Writer, Memoir Author and Creativity Coach Belinda Nicoll in this guest post. Belinda and I met in Sonia Marsh‘s Gutsy Indie Publisher Facebook group. She blogs about creative writing, the changing world of books and publishing and offers a series of rite-of-passages stories by guest writers. Her current series, What is the Gist of Your Story, features guest bloggers who discuss how the premise and themes of their books can be the basis of effective book publicity.

Her favorite topics are personal transformation and global change. Here are my reviews of her memoir, Out of Sync on Amazon and Goodreads. She is currently working on a novel.

We are told that in order to be a good writer, we need to be a good reader. Belinda shares her thoughts on how her writing process has influenced her reading habits and then how her habits have changed.

Welcome Belinda!

 

Author and Creativity Coach Belinda Nicoll
Author and Creativity Coach Belinda Nicoll

As a cognitive process, reading is a means of acquiring knowledge; it’s a complex interaction between the nature of the content—informative, educational, persuasive, entertaining—and the objectives of the reader. When you read, you bring your attitudes, skills, values and beliefs to the experience; if you approach a text with an open mind, it’s likely you’ll feel changed in some way when you get to the end of the book; but if you’re set in your ways, certain content might make you feel uncomfortable or even bring about a dislike of the author.

 

After I started writing my memoir, Out of Sync, I was unable to read for pleasure. I had work to do—stepping into my student shoes, I plowed through creative writing guides, absorbing the do’s and don’ts of memoir-writing. I read other memoirs to emulate the style of writers I admire: Alexandra Fuller, Jeanette Walls, Frank McCourt, Joan Connor, and many more. I read news reports about the economic growth in post-apartheid South Africa to make sure I get my facts right in describing how the changes there caught my husband and I off-guard after our expatriation to the U.S. in 2001. I read world news to stay abreast of globalization, one of the themes of my memoir and a concept a lot of Americans were still in denial about. I read forecasts about the world economy; we could relate to predictions of rising inflation in the U.S., because we’d been through it in South Africa and were recognizing the signs. I cried every time I read a story about people who’d lost loved ones in the 9/11 disaster—it wasn’t easy writing the chapter of my memoir that deals with our arrival at JFK International Airport on that fateful day. I read and made notes; I read and jotted down references; I read and edited my memoir, again, and again.

 

Until recently, long after the completion of my memoir, I’ve been the worst novel reader imaginable—I could not read even a chapter without dissecting the text and noting (for instance):

  • if the protagonist, antagonist, and others are represented as flat or multi-dimensional characters;
  • if point of view is that of the narrator’s or if the story is told from first-, second-, or omniscient perspective;
  • how setting is used in providing a historical or cultural context for the characters;
  • if dialogue is stilted or natural, or if it’s (mis)used as information dump;
  • if the plot abides by the prescribed structure of the book’s genre;
  • if the author is making use of special literary devices such as back-story, cliffhangers, flashbacks, or letter and emails (parts of my memoir are told in epistolary style as I inserted certain email exchanges between me and my family).

 

I had turned into such a critical reader that my husband complained, saying “Please do not tell me what you think of that book or its author until I’ve read it.” When I started selling my published memoir, my reading shifted to the how-to topics of book publicity. Slowly, I started reading novels for relaxation again; and now, when I read the memoirs of my peers with the intention of posting a review for them, I manage to ‘go with the flow’ and concentrate on how the story makes me feel rather than attempt to critique it. I’ve even joined a book club again, and even though the other members seem a little dazzled by having an author in their midst, I’m trying to act like a reader and not a writer.

 

Having said that, I’m currently working on my first novel, so I’ve got books strewn all over the house in preparation for research: Cults In Our Midst by M.T. Singer, Monster by A. Hall, The Great Anglo-Boer War by Farwell…of course, I’m doing my best to ignore my husband, who’s shaking his head, mumbling, “There we go again…”

 

Bio

Belinda is a freelance writer, indie author, and creativity coach. She blogs about issues related to writing and creativity, as well as her favorite subject: change. Her memoir, Out of Sync, is available online at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Smashwords, and Kalahari (South Africa). You can follow Belinda at Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter.

"Out of Sync" Book Cover
“Out of Sync” Book Cover

 

Thank you , Belinda for showing us how the writing process has influenced your reading habits. I know that once I started writing, I started reading books differently, with an eye out for what works and what doesn’t. You bring up a good point though about getting back to reading for the pure enjoyment of being immersed in a story.

 

How about you? Have your reading habits changed since you started writing?

 

We’d love to hear from you. Belinda will be giving away a free copy of her memoir, Out of Sync, to a random commenter so please leave your comments below~

 

 

Next Week: “Lessons I’ve Learned About Revising My Memoir-In-Progress” on March 4 followed by “Re-visioning Memoir: An Interview with Linda Joy Myers” on March 7.