Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Joan Z Rough/@joanzrough
“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
I am very pleased to feature memoir writer Joan Z Rough in this guest post on finding forgiveness while writing memoir. Joan is working on a memoir, Me, Myself and Mom: A Journey Through Love, Hate and Healing. I have had the privilege of being one of Joan’s beta readers and can tell you her powerful and well-written exploration of a mother-daughter relationship carries a universal message that will resonate with many.
Welcome , Joan!
Finding Forgiveness While Writing Memoir
I first started writing stories about my family three years after my mother died. A number of friends and acquaintances had told me that my stories were compelling, and filled with life lessons that others would find helpful. I’d written poetry for a number of years and enjoyed writing essays about the natural world. But I knew little about writing about my own life, which is far from spectacular. I wondered who would care.
I was still reeling from the challenges of having been my mother’s caretaker for seven years. For most of that time, she lived in our home, with my husband and me. I was in extreme emotional pain, and felt intense anger toward everyone around me. I knew I was in trouble. I started seeing a therapist who helped me accept and explore the idea that I was struggling with PTSD. I decided to take a “Life Writing” class and started a blog, to share stories with my family and anyone else who might be interested.
Some stories were easy to write. They were about the good times … often humorous, painting my family as typically closely knit, full of love and caring. But as my therapist helped me dig through the past, other stories I’d unconsciously hidden began to rise to the surface. They were about child abuse and the way my parents had treated me when I was a kid. I couldn’t share them on my blog. I was too tender. The bruises left from the last years of my mom’s life were still dark hues of black and blue. Healing was a ways off.
When the word memoir became a frequent word in my vocabulary, I began to see how patterns of abuse and my denial had resulted in frequent depression, and severe anxiety. During the years that Mom lived with me, many of our old ways of behaving had been repeating themselves. I was still trying to be the good girl, desperately seeking her approval. She was rarely happy with me, narcissistic, an alcoholic, someone I hated, yet dearly loved.
When I discovered that the raging fire of anger I was trying to extinguish was directed at my mother, I began looking more closely at her life. I knew that her mother had been considered mentally ill, and that she and Mom had also had a difficult relationship. But my mom was one of those people who hid many of her stories from the light of day. When I began reexamining what I knew about her, I began to see the huge connections that we shared as mother and daughter. We had both been abused by our mothers. Mom self-medicated with booze, and found extreme self-love to be her ticket out of her own recollections of abuse. We both used denial as a salve on our wounded spirits. I struggled with depression and panic attacks. And subconsciously, I believed I had inherited my grandmother’s insanity.
As I continued to work on my memoir, more connections surfaced. Forgiveness for my mother fell into place, diminishing my hatred and anger. The out-of-control flames I had been carrying with me, turned into compassion and understanding. I began to realize that forgiveness is not about forgetting. It’s about acceptance and the willingness to let go of the past.
I found out that I am not insane, and that I could replace my victimhood, with joy and love for all of life.
The following is an excerpt from my upcoming memoir, ME, MYSELF, AND MOM, A Journey Through Love, Hate, and Healing.
After Mom’s death, while packing up our belongings for a move to a new home, a remnant of her past appeared in the form of a well worn, high school year book. Her name was written on the inside front cover. I set it aside wanting to examine it more closely later. Once unpacked, I opened the cover of, “The 1938 Record,” and started turning its pages to see what they could tell me about my mom.
It’s filled with notes from friends … freshman, on up to seniors, who mentioned her sweetness and wished her good luck in life. When I look to see what class she was in, I find no sign of her in the freshman, sophomore, or junior classes. Knowing she had never graduated from high school, I won’t find her in the senior class. I notice that the eighth grade is included in the book. As I scan the group photo, there she is, standing in the back row, a good head taller than the rest of her classmates. Her name is included in the list of students under the photo.
I do the math. She was born in 1923. The year printed on the cover of this yearbook is 1938. I’m stunned. She was fifteen years old at the time and she was in the eighth grade.
Overtaken by deep sorrow, I understand why she had hidden her past. Ashamed that she never finished school, she was like so many who have been abused, taking the blame for the misdeeds she suffered from. I had never put the puzzle pieces of her life together. She didn’t go to high school because she had to work, and by age sixteen she was on her own, working in a lace factory.
This was only one of the discoveries I made about my mother that I hadn’t understood before I found her yearbook. Others came through family members or rereading my journals, where I often scribbled notes to myself and then forgot about them.
The writing process opened my eyes to my own blind spots, bringing me healing and forgiveness, as I learned more about her difficult life.
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Author Bio and contact information:
Joan Rough is an artist, poet, and writer of nonfiction. Her poems have been published in a variety of journals, and are included in the anthology, Some Say Tomato, by Mariflo Stephens. Her first book, AUSTRALIAN LOCKER HOOKING: A New Approach to a Traditional Craft, was published in 1980. She is currently at work on her upcoming memoir, ME, MYSELF AND MOM, A Journey Through Love, Hate, and Healing.
You can follow Joan’s blog on her website at http://joanzrough.com
https:// twitter.com/JoanZRough,
Personal page: www.facebook.com/joanz.rough
Author page: www.facebook.com/JoanZRough.Author
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Thank you Joan for sharing your powerful message of forgiveness through your memoir writing journey and your memoir excerpt. My favorite line that I feel captures the essence of your story is: “The out-of-control flames I had been carrying with me, turned into compassion and understanding.” I am anxious to see your memoir in print.
How about you? Has writing helped you to find forgiveness?
We’d love to hear from you . Please leave your comments below~
ANNOUNCEMENT:
Congratulations, Christina Stark! Your name was select dian a random drawing of commenters to receive a copy of Linda Brendle’s memoir, A Long and Winding Road: A Caregivers’ Tale of Life, Loss and Chaos”.
This Week:
Monday, 7/21: I’m honored to be featured on Tracy Lee Karner’s blog this week. Tracy is a food, travel and creative writer whose main goals include “living creatively, inventively and well and sharing our stories and experiences “.
Next Week:
Monday, 7/28: “ The Birth of a Memoir: Ever Faithful to His Lead Launches”
Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Ever-Faithful-His-Lead-Emotional/dp/0985936797/
Kathy,
Thank you so much for hosting me this week and for all of your wonderful words. It’s been so much fun working with you and watching you make your way to your own published memoir. What an adventure it is. I wish you all the best and again, thanks for your encouragement. It is truly appreciated.
Joan
Joan,
It is such a pleasure to feature you and your powerful story. I know your memoir will resonate with many because of its universal message of forgiveness in mother-daughter relationships.I am very grateful we are traveling this road together and appreciate your ongoing support. An adventure, indeed! Best wishes as you move forward toward publication. 🙂
Kathy
Thank you, Joan, for sharing this on Kathy’s blog, and, thank you Kathy for offering this forum.
What you describe sounds very similar to my mother’s “personality disorder” – narcissistic, self medicating with alcohol, extreme insecurity that took the form of demanding to be the center of attention and inattentive to others’ needs.
I do believe that as the women of our generation delve more deeply, not only into our own pasts, but in those of our mothers’, we learn not just to forgive, but to understand the tragedy of a society and a culture that silenced women and didn’t afford them the same opportunities as men. In many ways, this is the true power of the “life story” movement for women . . .in my mind, at least. We are breaking the silence, as well as understanding – and forgiving – the most important female in our lives . . our mother.
You are so right, Susan. I was enlightened as I learned about growing up female during my mother’s time. She was intellegent and a talented artist who was crushed by the times and later, the man in her life.
When the femanist movement got rolling, Mom, was completely confused and taken aback by women burning their bras. While she had nothing but nasty things to say about women’s equality, she watched and envied the guts those women had.
Thanks so much for coming by to read my post.
Susan, Joan’s post and your post today on the transformative power of memoir writing (http://susanweidener.com) compliment each other. I love the synchronicity! You both reinforce the idea of breaking the silence to share the lessons and what could be more universal than the mother-daughter relationship? We are all on this healing journey together. Thanks so much, as always, for stopping by and adding your perspective.
Joan, you have learned so much and have had the courage to face new information about yourself and your mother. Forgiveness is made possible when we can understand the battles the other person faced. Memoir, done carefully as you have done, leads us to the long view, which is almost always a forgiving view.
I love the picture you chose to illustrate this post. It says a lot about both you and your mother.
All best to you as you move to the last stages of revision and publication. Kathy, you have chosen well by inviting Joan.
Shirley,
Thanks so much for your kind words. You have been an inspiration for me, even though our stories are in no way similar. Yours was the kind of family I kept tucked in a corner of brain, hoping that one day, I’d wake up and life would be different.
I’m just as happy though, to be who I am and have had the greatest opportunity to grow and put the broken pieces of my life back together into a whole.
Thanks so much for your continued encouragement, my friend.
Thanks, Shirley. I agree, Joan has addressed the important and universal topic of forgiveness in a skillful and effective way. I am thrilled to have her as my guest. I envision her mother-daughter photo as the cover for her memoir! Thanks for your good wishes.
Kathy, I agree it would make a great cover. It’s between this one and one other that I think is even better.
Joan, that photo of you and your mother is a treasure. After envisioning an entirely different cover for my memoir, it became apparent that a photo captured the essence of my story far better than an artist’s rendition of my ideas. Best wishes chooses the cover. How nice that you have several options to choose from.
Excellent interview. I am always happy to learn about other people’s journeys. I write memoir and know how powerful it can be.
Welcome, Kerry! I’m happy Joan’s beautiful post resonated with you. She touched upon the heart of memoir writing as a journey of self-discovery and healing. If you have a memoir out, send us a link so we can check it out. Thanks so much for stopping by again and commenting.
Kerry,
Thanks so much for your visit. Writing memoir is the way we can share our humanity and be part of community of story tellers.
Joan –
One of my favorite non-fiction writers is Joan Borysenko, PhD. She’s well known for saying, “Without forgiveness there is no healing.” She goes on to say, “Let me rephrase that so there’s no misunderstanding, ‘There is no healing without forgiveness.'”
I can hardly wait to read your memoir!
Laurie, Thanks so much for your wonderful response. I, too, love the words of Joan Borysenko. I can’t wait for you to read it either. Hopefully it will be soon.
Joan, your story of writing the story is a beautiful example of the power of memoir. The writing process forces us to confront the past from the story perspective, opening portals to new views, new ways of understanding, and ultimately to forgiveness and peace. So many of us relate to your tale of growing up without a warm, nurturing presence, and you point to a path for transcending this past. Thank you.
Sharon, Thank you so much for your kind words. Writing memoir has been the most powerful aspect of my healing. There were days I couldn’t write and wanted to just quit all together. It was all too dark. I’d a take a few days or a week off and do something fun. Even in the darkest moments I knew I had to continue and even at its worst, it was well worth it.
Joan, thanks for sharing your story. My own experience in writing memoir is that not only did I have to forgive one or two others, I also had to forgive myself. Something I’ve only recently been able to work though. As you have seen in working with a counselor and writing, unpacking the emotions takes commitment and effort. I’m happy for you that you’ve found understanding and peace.
Carol,
Thanks so much for your comments. I believe that forgiveness of the “other” goes hand in hand with the self. As it is with love, it is impossible to love the “other” without loving oneself.
Hello Joan. And Thank you, Kathy, for yet another timely and well done blog post. Joan, much of your story is my story too, though my mother is in good health and lives near by. But, as an only child, I know I’ll one day be her full time caregiver. Your story reminded me of (and validated) two things I’ve long believed about forgiveness. One is that it’s a gift we give ourselves, really. Not the one we forgive. Forgiveness frees us from resentment or guilt or anger, whichever one we’ve been holding. And the second is that we must not forgive too soon. We deserve to have our anger or our outrage. Then, when we’re done and want to move on, forgiveness shines the way. Yours was a beautiful post. I wish you well as you bring your story to the world.
Thanks, Janet. I’m happy you enjoyed Joan’s powerful post. I appreciate your thoughts on forgiveness, too–both how freeing it is and also how we need to give ourselves time to process the feelings..”we deserve to have our anger and outrage”. It seems the only way to the other side of it is through it.
Janet,
Thanks so much for your thoughts on forgiveness. You are so right in both cases. Forgiveness frees us to live our lives as whole human beings. And yes, we must sit with our outrage and anger as we live in each moment. We eventually make friends with both and see the other side of our grief.
May your journey with your mother fill you with both freedom and forgiveness.
Joan, I enjoyed reading your post and excerpt from your memoir. I could be you — finding forgiveness while writing — but I was fortunate to uncover the roots of my mother’s history shortly before she died. Now I find that writing my memoir is healing those childhood scars, one by one, and the forgiveness before her death pushes me forward. Thanks for sharing your story here.
And Kathy, thanks for sharing Joan as your guest. Your blog is always enlightening.
Interesting,Sherrey. I thought of you and your memoir-in-progress when I initially read Joan’s post. Mother-daughter relationships and forgiveness are both powerful and universal topics. Thanks, as always for dropping by and sharing your thoughts.
Joan,
I am late to the party but just wanted to say that I did read the beta version, before life events got in the way of responding directly to you. I did take lots of notes, but I suspect you are past that stage by now! Understanding why mothers behave like they do and what might have caused their repeating the cycle of emotional abuse they themselves experienced is huge. I am so proud of you for reliving that painful journey so we can learn something from it.
I am kicking off the final stage of my own memoir and it gives me hope that I can do, this, too!
P.S. Thanks, Kathy, for inviting my friend Joan to your “house.”
Welcome, Judy! It’s so nice to see you here. I agree with you, Joan does a great job of revealing the factors influencing her mother’s behavior and her(Joan’s) own evolving understanding which ultimately leads her to forgiveness. How exciting that you are in the final stages of your own memoir. I hope you’ll keep us posted and let us know about your journey. Email me at kpooler63@gmail.com if you want to discuss it further, possibly be a guest. Best wishes!
I definitely will, Kathy. Thanks! looks like it might be by Christmas or early January. I’ll send you an email.
I look forward to hearing from you,Judy. November or December will work fine on my end. Happy writing!