Category Archives: Truth in Memoir

Truth in Memoir

Your Story or Your Family? by Memoir Author Saloma Miller Furlong

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Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Saloma Miller Furlong/@SalomaFurlong

 

“My responsibility as a poet, as an artist, is not to look away.” ~ Nikky Finney

I am very please to introduce you to Memoir Author Saloma Miller Furlong. Saloma and I met in a LinkedIn discussion in the Women’s Memoir group. She has recently launched her second memoir, Bonnet Strings:An Amish Woman’s Ties to Two Worlds, which is about her struggles within her Amish community and her eventual decision to leave. Her first memoir, Why I Left the Amish,  was a finalist for the 2011 Forward Reviews “Book of the Year Award” (BOTYA).

My reviews can be found on Amazon ,Goodreads., Shelfari and LibraryThings:

BonnetStrings
Bonnet Strings: An Amish Woman’s Ties to Both Worlds

 

Welcome, Saloma!

 

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Memoir Author Saloma Miller Furlong

 

 Your Story or Your Family?

Finding a balance between censoring our life stories so as not to hurt the people we are writing about and “telling all” is a difficult one for memoir writers. None of us have the answers for anyone else, but if we feel called to writing our life stories for an audience, we must answer it for ourselves.

It requires that we search our souls for what is important in our lives and stories.

Having grown up Amish, I often felt I would be disbelieved if I told my story as it happened. If someone from almost any other insular culture were to write a story like mine, it would be believed. But for many people to believe my story, they first have to let the Amish people down off the pedestal they had them raised upon. And yet, knowing all this, I still felt compelled to write my story.

I did not grow up in an idyllic Amish family. My father was mentally ill and incapable of being a father. As we children grew older, he often became violent. And he was not the only one. I was often whipped by my mother, for “backtalk” when I tried to voice my frustrations for the injustices in my life. And I suffered physical, mental, and sexual abuses at the hands of my older brother, Joe.

SalomabyPoppies
Saloma

Silence shrouds all abuse. And yet for those who are being abused, breaking that silence takes enormous courage. When I was growing up, I often felt like I had no advocates. Other Amish people were not equipped to deal with the dysfunction in our family, and they would have been seen as “interfering” with another family’s life, had someone tried to intervene, so I felt I had no choice but to endure the abuses.

When I wrote my first book, Why I Left the Amish, I felt the purpose of the book was to break the silence by telling my story truthfully and to make people aware that even within a culture that is often seen as a model of a good society, abuses do exist.

 

Sal and Linda
Saloma, the first time she left the Amish community

Years after I left the Amish for good, I was writing my memoir and trying to get it published. My mother (Mem) was losing her battle with cancer and she knew it. It was in this condition that she made a startling request. She asked that I “not write anything bad about Joe or me.” My jaw dropped. There was so much left unsaid in this request. It felt like she was almost admitting that if I were to tell the truth, it would not shed her or Joe in a good light. It seemed to say I could write whatever I wanted about my father. After all, it would perpetuate the family myth — that he was the cause of all our family troubles. I simply did not know what to say. Mem knew she was invoking guilt about whether I would honor a dying mother’s request, should I think about refusing. I knew that too.

When I read a story by poet Nikky Finney about her grandmother making a similar request when she read one of Finney’s books, I was moved to tears. She described how her grandmother made a stunning, fervent request after reading one of Finney’s books — she asked that it be her last. Finney wrote: “I would’ve promised to sail the seven seas in five days if I could have, for my grandmother. She meant that much to me. ‘Promise’ she said. But I couldn’t. Even for her, I couldn’t.”

“Even for her, I couldn’t.” That was how I felt when Mem made her request. And so I did not promise her.

Finney went on to write, “I too forgive, but I don’t forget. In the forgetting we miss something important about the climb, the loss of life, the loss of dreams.

My responsibility as a poet, as an artist, is to not look away.”

This was exactly my aim when I wrote Why I Left the Amish, though I would not have been able to articulate it so well at the time. And there were consequences. After it was published, none my siblings would talk to me. One of my five siblings finally began communicating with me two years later. The others have not.

Even though Why I Left the Amish dealt with the hefty issues around abuse and family dysfunction, my aim was to have readers understand that we humans are resilient creatures — we can overcome many adversities, even though we may lose hope for a time. And we can move out of that place of feeling stuck and beyond mere survival to actually thriving in our lives through intentional healing, forgoing the right to hurt back those who hurt us, and envisioning what we want in our lives. One of my favorite quotes is by Thoreau:

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”

When I wrote my second book, Bonnet Strings: An Amish Woman’s Ties to Two Worlds, I was doing exactly that. I had always envisioned continuing my story that Why I Left the Amish had started. Bonnet Strings begins when I was twenty years old and decided that I would no longer endure the violence and dysfunction in my family. It is a coming-of-age story that conveys my struggle of feeling torn between two worlds, of hurt and healing, of doubt and faith, of longing and love, and of the competing desires for freedom and belonging.

A Christian publisher, Herald Press, is publishing Bonnet Strings. In the parts of my story that shed others in a negative light, the editors helped me to sort out whether that “scene” is central to the story, or whether it is something I could omit. If it was central, they helped me frame the material to be more sensitive to the people I’m writing about. We also chose to change some of the names and identities. The guidance I received was crucial in this book, and it was true to Anabaptist principles.

So in my first book, I aired more on the side of “tell all” than in my second book. I likely will not heal any relationships with Bonnet Strings, but at least I hope to prevent the hurt that people may have felt with my first book from going any deeper. It was a hard balance, and Nikky Finney’s articulation of forgiving, but not forgetting is a good way to describe the balance I tried to bring into writing Bonnet Strings.

I often think about the fact that from the time I started writing for an audience until the time my first book finally made it into print was seventeen years. By that time both my parents’ journeys on this earth were at an end. I now think it happened as it was meant to. As much as I wanted at the time to see the book make it into print, both the story and I needed to evolve. And at the end of their lives, my parents did not need to be reminded of the mistakes they made.

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Thank you Saloma for addressing a topic that is germaine to anyone who writes their truths then faces objections from their family or close friends.

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Author’s Bio:

Saloma Miller Furlong inspired millions with her story when she was featured in the PBS documentary The Amish that aired on American Experience in February 2012, She is also featured in the sequel, The Amish: Shunned premiering on February 4. She is one of seven people whose story this film follows. Her books, Bonnet Strings: An Amish Woman’s Ties to Two Worlds and Why I Left the Amish, offer an authentic rendition of what it was like to be born and raised in an Amish community. Furlong’s coming-of-age story is simultaneously a rare look inside her Amish community and universal story of overcoming adversity.

She offers hope to people in difficult life situations to call on their inner resources to make necessary changes to alter their lives.During her thirty-year inner struggle of coming to terms with her Amish past, Furlong has gleaned a better understanding of herself and her heritage. It is this perspective that she brings to her reflections about her life and her heritage.

Her story is featured in the PBS documentaries, The Amish and The Amish: Shunned on “American Experience”:

 

Author Contact Information:

Website: http://salomafurlong.com

Blog: http://aboutamish.blogspot.com/

Amazon Author Page: http://www.amazon.com/Saloma-Miller-Furlong/e/B004SXYJXE

Facebook Author Page: https://www.facebook.com/AuthorSalomaMillerFurlong

Goodreads Author Page: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4487564.Saloma_Miller_Furlong 

Twitter:@SalomaFurlong

 

 

 

How about you? Have you had to deal with resistant family members who try to talk you out of writing your truths?

 

Saloma has graciously agreed to give away a copy of her memoir to a commenter whose name will be selected in a random drawing.

 

We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~

 

ANNOUNCEMENT: Congratulations, Janet Givens! Your name was selected in a random drawing of commenters to receive Frances Caballo’s book, AVOID SOCIAL MEDIA TIME SUCK.

Next Week:

Monday,    4/21/14:  “Why I Decided to Go with  a Small Publisher for My Memoir”

Thursday, 4/24/14:   “Journaling as Seed for Memoir: A Memoir Moment”

Memoir, Memoir Writing Tips, Truth in Memoir

8 Tips for Being Kind and Gentle When Writing Memoir by Ken Myers

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Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Ken Myers/@kenneymyers

 

“Feelings are everywhere–be gentle.” J. Masai

 

It is my pleasure to introduce Ken Myers to you and feature him in this guest post. Ken describes himself as an executive in the care industry–childcare, senior care, pet care–a poet, a Christian as well as a husband, father and entrepreneur. He contacted me to do a guest post and I initially told him I didn’t think his message matched by brand. But when he told me he was working on his own memoir, it was BINGO! I like what he has to say about this universal concern all memoir writers have. I hope you will enjoy it and will share your thoughts.

 

Welcome, Ken!

 

Ken Myers, Entrepreneur
Ken Myers, Entrepreneur

 

Be Gentle and Kind When Writing Memoir

Writing about real people is difficult. Not only is it hard to be accurate, as you can’t fully understand their thinking and motivations, but you have to deal with the backlash of misunderstandings if the person is still alive or if their loved ones are still around. For this reason, it is imperative that you are gentle and kind when writing about real people. That does not mean you can’t be honest or truthful, simply that you should be circumspect and wise in your writing and portrayal of others.

Here are some tips to make your memoir writing gentle and kind:

1.     Know that you will end up offending someone – This first point is a hard one to take, but it is very true. Whenever you write about real people, someone will be offended. Try not to take these things to heart or let their anger dampen your own enthusiasm. While it is important to think about the impact your writing will have on the lives of others, you should not keep yourself from writing out of the fear that you will upset someone. Even writers of fiction upset people over portrayals they feel are not true or accurate. Do not take these attacks personally, and try to keep from letting their offense taint your writing. Your goal should be honesty and truthfulness, not to avoid offending anyone.

 

 

2.     Deal with your anger before you publish – Many people turn to memoir writing after a tragedy or difficult circumstance in their life. With these tragedies and difficulties also comes pain and anger. Anger can make your writing deliberately offensive or hurtful towards someone or something. While it is good to let it out, make sure you have dealt with your anger before you publish your memoirs. Writing it down in the initial draft is fine. Just be sure that you have dealt with your anger in a healthy, productive way by the time the memoir is complete. A memoir is not an opportunity for revenge; it is a chance to share your life with others.

 

 3.     Edit with the help of others – With this same goal in mind, make sure you have a third party to edit your work. Actually, it is best to have at least two editors go over your work after it is complete. The first should be a third party that has nothing to do with the situation – someone who can maintain objectivity and an open mind and is able to cut out the fluff and sharpen up the story. The second should be someone close to the situation, like you, who can offer insight on how your writing will be taken. Do not pick someone who is volatile or easily upset. Try to choose an editor who can give you feedback without becoming overly emotional. By getting both points of view you can more accurately tell what the reaction to your memoir will be and also make sure you were clear and stayed on point.

 

4.     Make sure the writing is clearly from your perspective – It is up to you to write your memoir from a first person or third person perspective. However, it should always be clear to your readers that the things you write about are from your perspective alone. Do not try to give motivations or mental voices to the people around you. Instead, say things like “I thought they were thinking ____” or “To me, it felt like they thought ____.” That way it is clear that everything is skewed by your perspective. This also makes it easier to defend your writing later if someone comments on it. We all see things differently, and what could be obvious to one person is not always obvious to another. Memoir writing is very subjective,so revel in that subjectivity and make it clear you are writing from your own perspective.

 

 5.     Be prepared for people to accuse you of not saying anything earlier –One difficult thing to combat is the accusation that “You didn’t say anything earlier”, meaning, of course, that now you are lying. While it is hard to hear those accusations, you need to remind yourself that you are a different person now. Even just writing down an experience can give you insight that you may not have had before. Just because you now understand or see something you did not previously see does not mean you cannot bring it up because too much time has passed. Be confident in your writing and the honesty of your statements and it will be easier to respond in a kind way: “No, I did not. I was not able to at the time/did not see it that way then/did not feel comfortable or safe bringing it up then.”

 

6.     Have good mental boundaries in place before you publish – Speaking of having confidence, you need to have good mental boundaries in place and a script to work off of when you do have confrontations with others. Maybe there are some things you refuse to go into further detail about. Maybe there are people you left out of your memoirs for a reason. Maybe there are changes you made to further the story or to avoid hurting someone. Those are your choices. Just be sure you are ready to back those choices up. It is much better to be prepared then to have to scramble for an explanation when you are in a bind.

 

7.     Leave out hurtful details that do not add to the story –Memoirs are about sharing your story, but it’s also important to be mindful not to overshare and hurt others. If a certain hurtful fact or point does not move the story along or is not a key step in your journey, leave it out. Something that could be harmful or embarrassing to someone else should always be treated with the utmost caution and thoughtfulness before sharing it. Your memoir is not a gossip rag or a way to get revenge on those that hurt you. Try to keep the Golden Rule in mind: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” If you wouldn’t want someone telling something like that about you, then you better think twice before telling it about them.

 

8.     Make the story about you, not anyone else –The biggest defense you have in a memoir is that it is YOUR personal story. As long as you keep it all about you, what can anyone say? Being honest and open is also a great way to avoid scandal and backlash. How can someone threaten you or attack you when you have already revealed everything to the world? Make sure you keep your focus on sharing your story and not on sharing what others have done to you or what you think about other people’s stories. Yes, you can draw connections and include other people and the impact they had on you, but make sure your story stays about you first and foremost.

 

 

Writing memoir can be an uplifting and great way to share your struggles in life.

However, it can also invite in a lot of conflict and strife. Keep all that at a minimum by staying gentle, kind, and honest in your writing.

 

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Thank you Ken for highlighting the importance of telling our stories with integrity and honesty without intentionally disparaging others who are key to our stories. This is a common obstacle memoir writers face and your points are thought-provoking and insightful.

 

Authors Bio:

Ken Myers is a father, husband, and entrepreneur. He has combined his passion for helping families find in-home care with his experience to build a business. He is working on his own memoir. Learn more about him by visiting at his website: http://www.kenneymyers.com/#about-me and on Twitter @KenneyMyers

 

How about you? How do you handle writing your truth when you know it may offend others? For those who are published memoirists, what repercussions have you had to face?

 

We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~

 

 

Next Week, Monday, 2/24/14: “Reflections on Hands: A Memoir Moment.”