Reflections on Hands: A Memoir Moment

February 24, 2014 Kathy Pooler 26 Comments

Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler

” The heart is the toughest part of the body. Tenderness is in the hands.” Carolyn Forche, The Country Between Us.

dreamstime_s_25699942 — Potter working with clay
Photo credit:
dreamstimefree

I just returned from a women’s weekend retreat where I participated in a session on working with clay. The purpose of the session was to experience the transformative power of molding something out of a mound of clay so as to get in touch with the artist within. I started rolling the lump of brown clay into a ball feeling the soft clay against my palms and fingers. As soft music played in the background, Sister Sue spoke in soothing, measured phrases about getting in touch with our own creative energies and all our God-given gifts that need to come forth.

During the process, I became very aware of my hands and how they were vital tools in allowing me to shape the clay—first into a heart, then a butterfly, then a closed shell with curved edges until it ultimately opened up into a sunflower-shaped bowl. It was a little rough around the edges but it was beautiful. I pressed my thumbprints into the center in the shape of a heart, reminding me that I can open up and even if I am a little rough around the edges, I still have a heart.

Imperfection has its own beauty.

That led to a flood of memories about my hands…

Here I am with my dad, overlooking Keuka Lake in Penn Yan,NY (1950):

A four-year old little girl stands on a hill next to a man in the black and white photo. Her small, soft hands reach up to hold the large, safe hand of her father, her hero .

A seven-year-old and her baby brother Tom nestle in the safe grooves next to their father. He gently drapes his arms around them, their hands side by side(1953):

Reflection-on-Hands — Reading Again, 1953

During my Freshman year in high school (1961), my hands were photographed for the yearbook, The North Star.

The day Wayne and I were married in October,2001:

August, 2010:

Now the little girl has grown. She is sixty-four and her aging, wrinkled hand wraps, fingers intertwined, the same hand of her eighty-seven year old father whose hands are frail and spindly with skin as thin as parchment paper. She puts her other hand over their intertwined hands as they slowly walk in unison down the stairs of the lake house to sit on a beach swing and watch the boats go by or watch a mother duck lead her eight baby ducklings across the water.

The day I held my dying father ‘s hands, November 25, 2010:

I have been sitting at my father’s bedside for the past week, rubbing his swollen arm and telling him how much I love him. His skin is pink and soft and feels warm against my hand. I hold his hand and stroke his fingers. His nails are smooth and trimmed as they always have been. The wrinkles are ironed out by the swelling.

These are the hands that guided me through tenth grade geometry,through setting up a personal budget;the hands that held mine as we walked down the aisle and danced the Father-Daughter dance at my wedding. Now they drape motionless atop the pillows under his arms.

It is Thanksgiving Day and my father is dying, slowly fading away as he continues to breathe in and out in a peaceful, steady rhythm.

These hands that guided and soothed and provided are now still and worn. These soft child hands that reached up and were held are now wrinkled and reaching out to guide and nurture.

These hands that have begged for healing,have joined a family in prayer,have held crying babies, have rubbed a dying friend’s shoulder,have soothed a patient’s pain;these hands that have received a father’s love– these are my hands.

How about you? What stories would your hands tell?

I’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~

Next Week:

Monday, 3/3/14: ” Guide for Memoir Writers: Twitter Hashtags to Market Your Book & How to Use Them by Ann Smarty”

Memoir, Memoir Writing Tips, Truth in Memoir

8 Tips for Being Kind and Gentle When Writing Memoir by Ken Myers

February 17, 2014 Kathy Pooler 21 Comments

Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Ken Myers/@kenneymyers

“Feelings are everywhere–be gentle.” J. Masai

It is my pleasure to introduce Ken Myers to you and feature him in this guest post. Ken describes himself as an executive in the care industry–childcare, senior care, pet care–a poet, a Christian as well as a husband, father and entrepreneur. He contacted me to do a guest post and I initially told him I didn’t think his message matched by brand. But when he told me he was working on his own memoir, it was BINGO! I like what he has to say about this universal concern all memoir writers have. I hope you will enjoy it and will share your thoughts.

Welcome, Ken!

Be Gentle and Kind When Writing Memoir

Writing about real people is difficult. Not only is it hard to be accurate, as you can’t fully understand their thinking and motivations, but you have to deal with the backlash of misunderstandings if the person is still alive or if their loved ones are still around. For this reason, it is imperative that you are gentle and kind when writing about real people. That does not mean you can’t be honest or truthful, simply that you should be circumspect and wise in your writing and portrayal of others.

Here are some tips to make your memoir writing gentle and kind:

1. Know that you will end up offending someone – This first point is a hard one to take, but it is very true. Whenever you write about real people, someone will be offended. Try not to take these things to heart or let their anger dampen your own enthusiasm. While it is important to think about the impact your writing will have on the lives of others, you should not keep yourself from writing out of the fear that you will upset someone. Even writers of fiction upset people over portrayals they feel are not true or accurate. Do not take these attacks personally, and try to keep from letting their offense taint your writing. Your goal should be honesty and truthfulness, not to avoid offending anyone.

2. Deal with your anger before you publish – Many people turn to memoir writing after a tragedy or difficult circumstance in their life. With these tragedies and difficulties also comes pain and anger. Anger can make your writing deliberately offensive or hurtful towards someone or something. While it is good to let it out, make sure you have dealt with your anger before you publish your memoirs. Writing it down in the initial draft is fine. Just be sure that you have dealt with your anger in a healthy, productive way by the time the memoir is complete. A memoir is not an opportunity for revenge; it is a chance to share your life with others.

3. Edit with the help of others – With this same goal in mind, make sure you have a third party to edit your work. Actually, it is best to have at least two editors go over your work after it is complete. The first should be a third party that has nothing to do with the situation – someone who can maintain objectivity and an open mind and is able to cut out the fluff and sharpen up the story. The second should be someone close to the situation, like you, who can offer insight on how your writing will be taken. Do not pick someone who is volatile or easily upset. Try to choose an editor who can give you feedback without becoming overly emotional. By getting both points of view you can more accurately tell what the reaction to your memoir will be and also make sure you were clear and stayed on point.

4. Make sure the writing is clearly from your perspective – It is up to you to write your memoir from a first person or third person perspective. However, it should always be clear to your readers that the things you write about are from your perspective alone. Do not try to give motivations or mental voices to the people around you. Instead, say things like “I thought they were thinking ____” or “To me, it felt like they thought ____.” That way it is clear that everything is skewed by your perspective. This also makes it easier to defend your writing later if someone comments on it. We all see things differently, and what could be obvious to one person is not always obvious to another. Memoir writing is very subjective,so revel in that subjectivity and make it clear you are writing from your own perspective.

5. Be prepared for people to accuse you of not saying anything earlier –One difficult thing to combat is the accusation that “You didn’t say anything earlier”, meaning, of course, that now you are lying. While it is hard to hear those accusations, you need to remind yourself that you are a different person now. Even just writing down an experience can give you insight that you may not have had before. Just because you now understand or see something you did not previously see does not mean you cannot bring it up because too much time has passed. Be confident in your writing and the honesty of your statements and it will be easier to respond in a kind way: “No, I did not. I was not able to at the time/did not see it that way then/did not feel comfortable or safe bringing it up then.”

6. Have good mental boundaries in place before you publish – Speaking of having confidence, you need to have good mental boundaries in place and a script to work off of when you do have confrontations with others. Maybe there are some things you refuse to go into further detail about. Maybe there are people you left out of your memoirs for a reason. Maybe there are changes you made to further the story or to avoid hurting someone. Those are your choices. Just be sure you are ready to back those choices up. It is much better to be prepared then to have to scramble for an explanation when you are in a bind.

7. Leave out hurtful details that do not add to the story –Memoirs are about sharing your story, but it’s also important to be mindful not to overshare and hurt others. If a certain hurtful fact or point does not move the story along or is not a key step in your journey, leave it out. Something that could be harmful or embarrassing to someone else should always be treated with the utmost caution and thoughtfulness before sharing it. Your memoir is not a gossip rag or a way to get revenge on those that hurt you. Try to keep the Golden Rule in mind: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” If you wouldn’t want someone telling something like that about you, then you better think twice before telling it about them.

8. Make the story about you, not anyone else –The biggest defense you have in a memoir is that it is YOUR personal story. As long as you keep it all about you, what can anyone say? Being honest and open is also a great way to avoid scandal and backlash. How can someone threaten you or attack you when you have already revealed everything to the world? Make sure you keep your focus on sharing your story and not on sharing what others have done to you or what you think about other people’s stories. Yes, you can draw connections and include other people and the impact they had on you, but make sure your story stays about you first and foremost.

Writing memoir can be an uplifting and great way to share your struggles in life.

However, it can also invite in a lot of conflict and strife. Keep all that at a minimum by staying gentle, kind, and honest in your writing.

***

Thank you Ken for highlighting the importance of telling our stories with integrity and honesty without intentionally disparaging others who are key to our stories. This is a common obstacle memoir writers face and your points are thought-provoking and insightful.

Authors Bio:

Ken Myers is a father, husband, and entrepreneur. He has combined his passion for helping families find in-home care with his experience to build a business. He is working on his own memoir. Learn more about him by visiting at his website: http://www.kenneymyers.com/#about-me and on Twitter @KenneyMyers

How about you? How do you handle writing your truth when you know it may offend others? For those who are published memoirists, what repercussions have you had to face?

We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~

Next Week, Monday, 2/24/14: “Reflections on Hands: A Memoir Moment.”

Cultural Differences

Crossing the Cultural Divide: From Insanity to Serenity

February 13, 2014 Kathy Pooler 4 Comments

Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler

I am honored to be over at Janet Givens’ blog this week with a guest post. Janet is writing a PeaceCorps memoir, At Home on the Kazakh Steppe” about her time in Kazakhstan. She wrote about the challenges of writing a Peace Corps memoir in this guest post.

As she loves to point out, cultural differences, are all around us. And those that cause her to gasp and yell, “Oh, no” are among her favorites.

Janet Givens Author Photo — Memoir Author Janet Givens

Janet says, “depending upon where and how we grew up, the ways in which we view the world — even among Americans — can vary tremendously. What we see as right and wrong, good and bad, fun or not, are moderated by what we came to believe was “normal.”

“How we maneuver across these borders — from disparate mindsets on ways (and what) to eat, how we treat our parents in their later years, and myriad other issues now doting the cultural landscape” — is the focus of her blog.

“Ideas on when to let go and accept or when to stand firm seem to have become one of my life’s purposes.”

Today I tell my story of maneuvering across the “border” that separated me from my alcoholic son. I offer nine steps that helped bring me from the insanity that living with an alcoholic loved one brings, to the serenity I enjoy today.

As Janet says, “cultural differences can be broadly interpreted.”

Here’s the link to my guest post on Janet’s blog: “From Insanity to Serenity.”

We’d love to hear from you in either or both places. I hope you’ll stop over at Janet’s blog and leave a comment~

Next Week:

Monday, 2/17/14: “8 Tips for Being Kind and Gentle When Writing Memoir by Ken Myers”

Memoir Writing Tips, Writing with Intention

7 Memoir Writing Tips for Writing with Intention

February 10, 2014 Kathy Pooler 17 Comments

Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler

“ Writing with intention will give you a clear sense of purpose your book serves and what you’d like to do with it.” Paula Margulies, Book Publicity and Promotion Expert from this Writer’s Edge blog post.

dreamstime_m_17304035 — Writing with Intention
Photo credit: dreamstimefree

I found my word for 2014!

As many others announced the one word that would guide them in the new year, I came up empty.

But, the word “intention” has been bubbling inside of me for a while and I have claimed it as my guide for the year.

What a relief. I was beginning to get frustrated with myself for not being able to identify the one word that would capture what I wanted and needed my writing to do as I move forward.

As I travel through the various phases of my own memoir writing, the terms intention, purpose, vision, mission keep coming up.

To me, intention requires being connected to my purpose for writing my memoir. It has served as my guide and has helped me answer the following questions:

* Why do I even want to write this book?

* Who is this book for?

* How will it help those who read it?

These are all questions any agent or publisher will ask, so I need to ask them for myself and be able to answer then succinctly, no matter which route to publication I take.

Here are 7 Memoir Writing Tips About Writing with Intention:

1. I have to find ways to get past my inner critic. You know, the one who says:

· What makes you think anyone will want to read your story?

· Your story isn’t unique.

· You can’t write that well anyway.

· Who cares?

I had to put my inner critic in her place. Her name is Gertrude. Here’s how I did it by writing out a dialogue with her.

2. I need to show up and write on a schedule.

Sometimes just the act of writing words unlocks the creative juices:

* Free Write– helps when I’m stuck. Writing words even if they don’t make sense.

* Journal– writing thoughts, feelings, and reactions helps me to clarify and focus.

3. I need to trust in the process.

Sometimes when I start to write, I have no idea how the story will unfold. I may start in the middle and if I let the writing flow, I eventually find the beginning and end.

After I show up, I need to get out the way of the story and let the words flow. I can go back and change later.

4. Writing with Intention has helped me to identify the main themes of my story.

Writing with intention has helped me find the heart of my story, I’ve been able to identify the themes to shape my story around.

This made it easier to stay true to the themes, which became the foundation for the story structure.

5. Taking time to pause and think has helped me be clear on my intention.

This has helped me to tap into memories and make connections about their meaning from my adult perspective. Sometimes my best ideas flow when I take time to walk in the garden or sit in church.

As writers know, we really are working when we’re staring out the window.

6. I need to keep my overall intention in mind as I revise.

If I am clear on my main message and the audience I am targeting, I can approach suggestions from editors and beta readers with a sense of purpose, staying true to my story while remaining open to constructive feedback.

7. Writing with intention has been my guiding light and is helping me get to the finish line:

I am taking the time to write it right because I do believe that I have a story to tell and that I am the only one who can tell it.

As I reflect on the past year, I realize, I have been writing with intention all along. Now I claim it as my focus for 2014 as I get ready to publish and market what I’ve written.

Of course, intention needs to be followed by action but I know being clear on my intentions will speed up the process.

How about you? Do you feel writing with intention has helped guide you?

I’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~

2/12: “Crossing the Cultural Divide: From Insanity to Serenity“, a guest post on Janet Given’s blog.

Next Week: Ken Myers, Memoir Writer, Blogger and Entrepreneur will discuss ” 8 Tips for Being Kind and Gentle When Writing Memoir.”

memoir-writing, Music

How Music Led Me to Memoir Writing by Robin Gaiser

February 3, 2014 Kathy Pooler 14 Comments

Posted by Kathleen Pooler /@kathypooler with Robin Gaiser/@RobinGaiser

“Music gives wings to the mind, a soul to the universe, flight to the imagination, a charm to sadness, a life to everything.” Plato

It is my pleasure to introduce therapeutic musician and memoir writer Robin Gaiser in this guest post about how music led her to write a memoir. Robin and I meet through a mutual friend who over lunch one day had mentioned she had a friend who was writing a memoir. After chatting on the phone, Robin and I knew we had a lot in common. Robin has a fascinating story to tell about how her ministry as a therapeutic musician inspired her to start sharing her stories. Her upcoming memoir, Doorways is a work-in-progress. She has completed her first draft and fourteen of twenty-two chapters have been critiqued. She hopes to complete the critique process and have a polished final revision and a query letter ready by this summer.

Welcome, Robin!

2040398 — Robin Gaiser playing music for a client in her home.

How Music Led Me to Memoir Writing

As a therapeutic musician (Certified Music Practitioner) I am privileged to offer live bedside acoustic music to critically and chronically ill, elderly and dying patients in hospital, Hospice, nursing and private settings. My fervor for this work has spilled over into writing a passionate memoir about these real people and their real stories as they face the unknowns of life and death.

Doorways (working title) takes the reader into these private and sacred lives revealing wrenching choices patients and their caregivers and families must make. In the midst of it all I enter with healing music, its mystical and miraculous qualities flowing into these unknown, hurting places. Be amazed, be humored, be moved.

I tell these stories and my own in hopes that when our time, or those of our loved ones come, we may face them with wisdom, courage and love.

Below find a short excerpt from a chapter of Doorways entitled “Last Words,” a collection of anecdotes about the value of honoring life as it comes to an end.

“Doug sat alone in his Hospice room seated in a lounge chair, staring out the window at the woods. His door was wide open. The TV was off, no radio played. He was not reading or working a puzzle or talking on the phone. When I knocked lightly on his door he looked up with a response which surprised me. He appeared frightened, apprehensive about my presence. His thick, quilted flannel buffalo paid shirt, his worn jeans, his tan work boots shouted the language of an outdoor laborer. I looked more closely and saw missing fingers on the hand lying across his lap. Lumberjack, I thought.

The vast unforgiving Adirondack mountains harbored many a hard living man eeking out a meager wage in the woods just five hours north of bustling, crowded sophisticated New York City.

I approached the solitary man slowly. Keeping my distance I pulled out my harmonica, showed it to him and began playing “Git Along Home Cindy, Cindy” an upbeat folk tune often played on hammer dulcimer in the lumber camps. He resumed staring out the window, expressionless. I finished the tune and let some time pass.

I didn’t expect him to speak.

“My uncle played one a’ them,” he said flatly, looking at me briefly, then turning his head to gaze out the window again.

“You want me to play some more?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said still looking away.

I played several more camp tunes for him. When I stopped and put the harmonica in my pocket he looked over at me and spoke again.

“When you comin’ back?”

“Next week,” I replied.

“Good.”

The following week I knocked softly on his door hoping I wouldn’t frighten him again. He sat clad in the same outfit, in his chair by the window, but his expression changed when he looked up and saw me. The fear, the reticence was not present and he even cocked a half- smile. I entered carrying my guitar as well as the trusty harmonica and sang country music as he listened intently facing the window with the view out to the woods. After several songs he spoke.

“You know one about grace or something.’ My mama sang it.”

I began to play the introduction to “Amazing Grace” and sang all five verses. Even without looking too closely at the lone man, I could see tears form in his eyes as he swallowed hard.

Weeks later during what turned out to be his final hour, I entered his room without knocking. This time his limp, non-responsive body rested in a Hospice bed. The hand with the missing fingers lay across his chest which was barely rising and falling with his strained breath. No plaid flannel shirt or worn blue jeans, no work boots were in sight. I softly played harmonica over him, remembering the shy lumberjack who allowed me into his very private life.

The music I gave him that day was the last sound he heard on this earth.”

***

Thank you Robin for giving us a glimpse of your work as a therapeutic musician and for showing us how it has inspired you to share the stories of the people whose lives you touched with your music. After reading this powerful excerpt, I am looking forward to reading your memoir!

Robin Russell Gaiser holds a BA in English from The College of William and Mary, an MA in psychology from Marymount University, and a certificate as Music Practitioner from Music for Healing and Transition, Inc. She has recorded seven Cds with the Mill Run Dulcimer Band, and three solo Cds honoring births of grandchildren. She recently had a third short story published and takes classes through the Great Smokies Writing Program at UNC-Asheville. More details are available on Robin‘s newly published website, www.robingaiser.com

How about you? Has music played a role in healing for you?

We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~

Next Week,

2/10/14: ” 7 Memoir Writing Tips for Writing with Intention”

2/13/14: ” From Insanity to Serenity”, a guest post on Janet Givens’ blog.

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Monthly Archives: February 2014

Reflections on Hands: A Memoir Moment

8 Tips for Being Kind and Gentle When Writing Memoir by Ken Myers

Crossing the Cultural Divide: From Insanity to Serenity

7 Memoir Writing Tips for Writing with Intention

How Music Led Me to Memoir Writing by Robin Gaiser

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