Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Maureen Murdock/@murdockmaureen
“There is always hope when people are forced to listen to both sides.” John Stuart Mill
I am thrilled to kick the New Year off with a guest post by Maureen Murdock about hope while dealing with an imprisoned son who has also been diagnosed with a bipolar disorder. Maureen is a clinical psychologist as well as a leading figure in the memoir community and the author of several memoir writing books. Her current memoir, Hooked on Hope is pending publication. Her recently published Kindle short, The Emergence of Bipolar Disorder addresses why she chose to write about mental illness in the family.
I had the pleasure of meeting Maureen when I attended her memoir writing workshop at the International Women Writers Guild (IWWG) Annual Convention this summer at Drew University in Madison, NJ.
My reviews of her Kindle short can be found on Amazon and Goodreads.
This is Part 1 of an excerpt from a spoken word piece Maureen did for SPARK theater in Pacific Palisades, CA.
Welcome , Maureen!
Hooked on Hope: A Mother’s Story About Bipolar Disorder and Prison
Ten years ago I taught a week-long memoir course at Skidmore College. One of the writers, a middle-aged woman from Queens, wrote about being the mother of a son in prison.
“People don’t realize,” she wrote, “When a child is in prison, his mother is there too. I see the fear and disgust in people’s eyes when I say my son is in prison. I imagine they’re thinking, ‘she must have been a terrible mother for her son to be incarcerated.’”
I was deeply moved by her statement about being imprisoned too. I had never thought about that. Up until then, like many people, I thought prison was primarily populated by low-level drug dealers, thieves, and murderers, mostly black. I grew up in New Jersey and the only white people I knew who went to prison were Italian mobsters. This well-dressed white woman was the first woman I had met who was the mother of a convicted felon.
Six years later I am too.
Every other month I drive 6 hours to visit my son, Matt, at San Quentin. Female visitors are forbidden to wear underwire bras so I make sure I have my sports bra on. I put my car key, ID, and single dollar bills for the vending machines in the clear plastic purse I am permitted to bring into prison. The contents will be inspected. Nothing else can be brought into or out of prison.
After being searched and passed through the metal detector I go through a series of metal gates–surrounded by barbed wire. I hand my identification to the officer who sits in a platform on high—like some olive green khaki god– looking down at me. I take a seat and wait as the guard calls for my son. After he is strip searched, Matt is given a pass to enter the Visitors room. He walks toward me with a big grin, hands his ID to the platformed guard, and gives me a big bear hug.
It feels good to embrace his thin muscular body. I look into his eyes. Yes, he’s still there. They haven’t beaten him down–yet.
We sit across each other in plastic chairs eighteen inches from the next inmate and his visitor. Any attempt to find out how my son is really doing will be overheard. He tells me he just received a letter from the gallery owner who offered him an internship upon his release from prison next February. At the time of his offer a year ago the gallery owner told me, “Nobody should be judged by his last mistake.”
I thought what a humane person, what a good egg. The gallery is not far from my home in Santa Barbara so it meant my son would have a safe place to live with me and my partner, a roof over his head, a job, a new start. I could relax a bit about what he was going to do upon release.
But, Matt said, “He changed his mind. He rescinded his offer. He wrote that it was too risky to have me ‘handle’ millions of dollars of artwork.”
The gallery owner knew that my son was qualified—that he had done installation work at the Corcoran Gallery in Santa Monica– so rescinding his offer didn’t have anything to do with skill. It had to do with stigmatization.
Losing that job meant that upon release Matt would be paroled to San Francisco where he was arrested, with nothing but a clear plastic bag for his clothes and $200.
I wanted to reach out to my son and hold him and tell him it would be okay. That something else would come along. But I had to sit on my hands and look at him as he put his head down, his hair covering his eyes so that neither I, nor the people sitting next to us on either side could see his tears. . .
to be continued, 01/09/14 with Part 2. . .
***
Maureen, this story leaves me spellbound. I could feel your mother’s love and anguish. Thank you for your bravery in sharing such a deeply personal and heart-wrenching story. I join you in hoping that getting your story out there will help to increase awareness and create changes in our judicial system.
Author’s Bio and Contact Information (from Amazon):
Maureen Murdock is the best-selling author of The Heroine’s Journey: Woman’s Quest for Wholeness, a ground-breaking work which revealed a broader understanding of the female psyche on both a personal and cultural level and was Murdock’s response to Joseph Campbell’s A Hero with a Thousand Faces. When Murdock showed Campbell her book, he said, “Women don’t need to make the journey.” Murdock’s readers around the world have shown that he’s wrong! A Jungian psychotherapist and creative writing teacher, Murdock is also the author of Fathers Daughters: Breaking the Ties that Bind, The Heroine’s Journey Workbook, Spinning Inward: Using Guided Imagery with Children, and Unreliable Truth: On Memoir and Memory, a seminal work about memoir and what’s involved in writing a memoir. Her books have been translated into over a dozen languages and she lectures internationally.
Follow her blog, Hooked on Hope
Twitter@murdockmaureen
Book Description (from Amazon):
The Emergence of a Bipolar Disorder: A Mother’s Perspective by Maureen Murdock informs the reader about the early signs of bipolar disorder in an adolescent or young adult from a mother who has been through this journey with her son. The book describes what’s involved in a mental health crisis, the trauma of a first hospitalization and facts and figures about bipolar disorder, the fastest growing brain illness in children today. According to the U.S. Surgeon General, four million children and adolescents in America suffer from a serious mental disorder. Through early diagnosis and treatment these young people can live productive lives.
As a mother and a psychotherapist, it was difficult for me to find adequate resources when my son was first diagnosed so I offer tools to navigate these turbulent waters. Included are suggestions about Mental Health First Aid, personal recommendations for links to TED Talks by two young people talking about living with bipolar disorder and community resources a family can access for support before, during, and after a mental health crisis. Like the award-winning movie “Silver Linings Playbook,” The Emergence of Bipolar Disorder: A Mother’s Perspective gives the reader a glimpse into the challenges a family experiences when a child is struck with a mood disorder.
Amazon ordering link
How about you? Have you ever encountered stigmatization related to mental illness issues ?
Maureen has graciously agreed to give away a free copy of her Kindle short to a commenter whose name will be selected in a random drawing.
We’d love to hear from you. Please share your comments below~
Thursday, 1/09/14: “Hooked on Hope, Part 2: A Mother’s Story About Bipolar Disorder and Prison.”
Maureen and Kathy,
Brave, indeed. This is the kind of story that is so important to get out there, whether you have a child in prison or not. In order to have compassion for our fellow human beings, we must know their stories, rather than sit in judgement.
Dear Joan, I agree, Maureen’s heartfelt story needs to be heard. It will touch anyone, especially a mother, who has a loved one stricken with this devastating illness and has experienced this sort of stigmatization. Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to share your thoughts.
Murdock has been stigmatized twice. Once for having a child with a brain disorder and second for him being in prison. There is nothing so hurtful as stigma. The National Assoc. OF Mental Illness or NAMI strives hard to do away with it. I am a member of NAMI and it is my favorite charity.
My heart goes out to Murdock and her son. I pray he will find peace and brain disorder management because bipolar can not be cured but it can be managed.
Thanks for introducing this brave woman to us, Kathleen.
Clar, I appreciate your insights and kind words for Maureen and I join you in acknowledging her as a brave woman who is fighting a heart-wrenching battle. I too pray her son Matt will find peace and effective treatment for his disorder. Like Maureen said, when your child is in prison (or suffering in any way), you, as the mother (or parent) are in prison too. Thanks for mentioning NAMI as a valuable resource for those suffering the stigmatization of mental illness. Interesting and valid comment that she is faced with being stigmatized twice.
I just bought emergence of Mental Illness for my kindle so you can take me off the list for give aways for that particular book. However if there is another give away , please count me in.
Thanks so much! 🙂
You bet,Clar. Hope you enjoy Maureen’s eBook as much as I did.:-)
Maureen and Kathy,
I am just finishing reading Anne Lamott’s Bird by BIrd, a manual about writing. Maureen’s story highlights her thesis: “. . . good writing is about telling the truth.”
We have a family member hooked on hope too: A brother-in-law in a federal prison for fraud hoping to get out before the end of his 12 1/2 year sentence. Thus, I am very familiar with the routine for visits: only a driver’s license, piles of quarters for the vending machine, and remembering one’s license tag number long enough to write it down on the in-take form.
I agree with Kathy: Your story is spell-binding–and I haven’t even read it yet!
Marian,
Anne Lamott’s Bird-by-Bird is a classic resource for memoir writers and one of my favorites. Maureen tells her story with passion and honesty and that’s why it is so gripping. Maureen’s title, “Hooked on Hope” grabs me. We all have situations at one time or another where we need every bit of hope we can muster to get through. Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. And may your brother-in-law experience a new beginning upon his prison release.
I know what stigma is as I have bi-polar, but it was only diagnosed in my late 40’s they believe it happened because of my childhood problems, I had been sexually abused, gang raped twice all before the age of thirteen as I grew up I was in abusive relationships and had tried to take my life numerous times as well as partners trying to kill me as well and I had two boys taken off me. Later on I had a daughter and I noticed similar traits and worse than me in some ways and she was diagnosed with the same as me. She is now 24 and settled in a relationship, she has given us a wonderful grandson with another child on the way. As parents we should never give up on our children even though mine did I am trying to show my daughter that true love stays the course no matter what and we love them as well no matter what has happened. Hate the sin but love the sinner, truer today than ever before. Lets stand up for those that have no voice and support one another. So proud of what you have written.
Sandra, this is a beautiful testimony to the power of love and hope in the face of so much trauma. I love your call,”let’s stand up for those who have no voice and support one another.” Thank you so much for sharing your story and insights and for your supportive comments. I agree wholeheartedly, we should never, ever give up hope for our children. So happy you stopped by.
I can relate to every word you wrote. This kind of thing can’t happen to anyone in my family, let alone my brilliant son. So when he ends up in jail I’m in a state of disbelief, and anger, and guilt, and all the humongous emotions that arise when this happens. One thing is for him to be bipolar and the other is for him to be a convicted felon. Then that visit. I was there at your side as you went in. Thanks for being so open and sharing about a subject that I still find hard to face.
Welcome,Penelope. Nice to see you here. Oh so true, Maureen brings us right there with her through her powerful writing. As a mother,I too can feel her angst and sorrow. Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your comments.
Penelope, I understand your feelings of disbelief, anger, and guilt completely. And the stigma leveled at family members who have an incarcerated child. Every time I visit my son, I am treated like a convict as well. It is difficult for prisoners to see their families treated badly because they then feel doubly guilty. Thank you for walking by my side.
Thank you, Maureen, for being so open, forthright. My heart goes out to you, to Matt and to many who walk in those shoes. I was brought back to a time when, as a children’s mental health case worker, I spent a year visiting a young man incarcerated in the men’s jail, each week. Cannot help but wonder what is in store for Matt down the road, based on his experience. Reminded of this: “Two men looked out from prison bars, one saw mud, the other, stars.” (unknown) Best wishes to you both, to all in those shoes.
Thanks, Kathy, for having Maureen as your guest. Rich indeed.
Thanks, Dody for sharing your thoughts and insights about Maureen’s story. I also appreciated all your generous sharing of her post on Facebook. I hope Matt sees the stars when he gets out.
Dody, I love your image of looking out from prison bars and seeing stars. I’ll keep that image in my heart and share it with my son.
Thank you, Maureen
Thank you, Kathy, for posting Maureen’s story. It is so eye-opening. Bipolar disorder is bad enough without the stigmatization of a time in prison.
Thank so much, Maureen for sharing your story. We mothers of son’s with bipolar disorder need to do that. I look forward to reading your guide – I wish I had had such a resource before my son took his life as a result of his bipolar disorder. I wish you and your son Matt all the best and hope his future will be bright upon his release.
PS. Thank you too for being so helpful to me when I was beginning my memoir. The workshop I took with you at UCLA was one of the best.
Madeline, I thought of you and Paul when I read Maureen’s story and her eBook. I echo your call to all mothers (and fathers) to share their stories of children diagnosed with bipolar disorder so as to increase awareness of the devastating impact of the illness. Both you and Maureen stand as role models for all of us. I also agree that Maureen is an excellent memoir teacher. Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Thanks, Madeline, I thought I remembered your name!! I hope you’re still writing.
Thanks for remembering, Maureen. Yes, I’m still writing. I’ve had a memoir out for a couple of years:
Leaving the Hall Light On: A Mother’s Memoir of Living with Her Son’s Bipolar Disorder and Surviving His Suicide (Dream of Things publishers). I’m now working on a novel.
I applaud Maureen for so many reasons. I was referred here by Marian as I am engaged in writing a fiction story about my mother and her sister. Of the two sisters, one survives and one commits suicide. Both had bipolar, and mental illness in various form and neurological conditions such as epilepsy and Parkinson’d disease are prominent in the family. I was diagnosed with acute psychotic episode at the age of 19 and later bipolar d. o. I am also a retired registered nurse. My husband is also bipolar, a true rocket scientist at Lockheed Martin, and diagnosed at age fifty. I feel blessed to have been diagnosed so very young. I have been stable for near twenty years but have been working in healthcare for thirty + years. I know that I will tell my own story in the form of a memoir or some other way at some point. The story, as fact, is remarkable and almost unbelievable. Truth is stranger than fiction. The reason I decided to tell the two sister’s stories as fiction, obviously, I was too young to know all the details, but it is an era that little is spoken about. I hope that I can write in a way that encourages positive outcomes and does not contribute to negative stigma. It is a challenge. I commend people who can write skillfully on their own journey. Maureen, I wish you continued success. Stigma is something I am all too familiar with on a personal level, a familial level, and a professional level.
Welcome, S.K. I’m so happy you stopped by. Thanks so much for sharing your lived-experience with bipolar disorder. I admire your courage in sharing your stories via fiction and memoir. Like Maureen, your background as a health care professional adds another dimension to the story. Sometimes I think being in the profession makes it harder as we hold ourselves to a higher standard. I can relate as a nurse practitioner with a chemically-dependent son. My career was devoted to helping others and yet I felt I couldn’t help my son. Blessings to you on your healing journey. I hope the writing is helping you.
I can relate to your story with your son, Kathy. My daughter, a high school salutatorian and 3.83 gpa student at Rollins College took a dive with crack cocaine and alcohol for about three years. She is also bipolar but refused to comply with treatment. I kept trying to “help” her. It wasn’t until she found herself in jail and pregnant that she turned her life around. I also had to stop the enabling. A therapist told me, “The more you do for her, the more inadequate you make her feel.” That was truly profound to me, and changed my POV. Daughter is fine now, BTW and I have two lovely grandchildren.
S.K., Thanks for sharing your story of hope about your daughter’s recovery. That’s wonderful news and I rejoice with you! One thing I’ve learned is to never, ever give up hope on my son,no matter how dire the situation. I also finally learned through Al-Anon,the excruciating and fine art of letting go of my need to control my son’s life. He has struggled for years, in and out of rehab, but I’m happy to report he is fighting hard to work his way back and is sober. I’m proud of him. My heart goes out to any parent whose child suffers from addiction and/or mental illness.
Dear S. K., you have a lot to share, not only about your family’s experiences with brain disorders but also your understanding from a health care professional’s perspective. Kay Redfield Jamison’s book Unquiet Mind comes to mind when I think about a woman psychologist struggling with her own bipolar disorder and able to explain for the general public so clearly what was going on for her. You can too. Good luck with your writing. Maureen
I was excited to see Maureen’s name as you introduced your blog post today, Kathy. I love Unreliable Truth. It was recommended to me by Angie Arrien, and I found it very helpful at the beginning of my exploration of memoir.
I can only imagine the double pain of bi-polar disease and prison, Maureen, but I admire you for giving yourself so completely to your son. I hold both of you in the light.
Shirley, Maureen’s book ,Unreliable Truth, is one of my favorite memoir resource books, too. Thanks, as always, for stopping by and sharing your supportive comments.
Thanks Shirley, for mentioning Unreliable Truth and I’m glad that Angie recommended it to you. She’s an incredible teacher!! I was struck by your comment about “giving yourself so completely to your son.” I’m afraid that we, as mothers, have to be careful not to give ourselves so completely to our children. It sets up expectations that they’ll do what we want them to do; and then I get disappointed when my agenda is not the agenda my son wants for himself. Maureen
Maureen, I’m searching for a way to say what has already been said in a unique way, and yet I find myself at a loss for that. I do believe it’s all been said. You are courageous, brave, honest and giving in sharing your and your son’s stories. My stepdaughter (age 39) is bipolar, and her life has been a jumbled climb in and out of troubles. Add to her life a 19-year old son with ADHD and Asperger’s and nothing seems to go right for either of them.
It is so hard to be 2200 miles away from them and to hear second-hand from family members of their struggles, to hear from them their lies about how things are going, and to feel helpless.
Sharing your story does give a sense of hope even in our situation so far removed. Thank you for your willingness to be so open. I’ll be reading Part 2.
Kathy, thanks for hosting Maureen. This has been so helpful.
Thanks for sharing your story, Sherrey. Sorry to hear all you’re dealing with. It must be so difficult to care for a family member from a distance. I’m happy you found hope through Maureen’s story. Thanks, as always, for stopping by and offering our support.
I have a son who is currently incarcerated and has bi-polar and schizo -affective disorder. he was sentenced to 20 years to life. and was suffering under his illness at the time of his alleged crime. He is currently in the mental health program at the institution. I cannot understand our judicial system in how it handled his situation. I am afraid that he will never get out of prison especially the way society is today. No one was hurt, no one was killed. he was shot by police in the back while running away from them. he did not have a good lawyer, and has lost his appeals. I just think because it involved police that the judicial system has turned a deaf ear.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story, Rachel. How heartbreaking as a mother to have to carry the burden of an unfair judicial system. I’m at a loss for words. My heart goes out to you and to all mothers who have to face with this challenge. May hope and justice prevail in time.