Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler
As I close in on publishing my memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead, I have been making lists of all the people who have helped me reach this milestone—family, friends, writing colleagues. Clearly, I have a host of wonderful people to recognize and thank for helping me achieve this lifelong dream of publishing a book.
I have also been giving serious thought to a dedication page for my memoir.
A few weeks back, while washing dishes, I glanced over at a lone dried long-stemmed red rose in a clear vase. It was a rose from my Aunt Rose’s funeral in April, 2012. The realization came to me like a bolt of lightening and I started crying.
My memoir about my journey away from emotional abuse will be dedicated to my dear Aunt Rose who suffered needlessly for years at the hands of an abusive husband. I never realized the full extent until I sat at her bedside during her final days and she poured out her feelings. She held them in all those years.
Aunt Rose had been an important part of my life story for as long as I can remember. Here’s a glimpse of her from my five -year-old eyes when she created a magical moment that has stayed with me my entire life.
In later years, we spent a lot of time together, going out to lunch or reminiscing in her living room. This is the last time we were out together. It was April,2011, one year before she died of acute leukemia.
It is in tribute to my Aunt Rose who has always there for me with her love, her voice of reason and her fun-loving ways that I dedicate my memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse.
Let me tell you one of the stories she shared on her death bed:
Bittersweet Goodbyes, 2012
Her perfectly coifed, white hair is now straight and sticks out at the crown where her head lays dormant on the pillow. But her clear, engaging blue eyes still draw us in.
She wants to hear the stories I’ve written. She’s heard them many times before. I often sat in her living room and she listened with her heart to the family tales.
When I finish reading the story about the warm summer nights under the peach tree, her crystal blue eyes, now even more prominent on her drawn face, are wide and sparkling. She tells me she remembers and my heart expands in my chest.
Her daughter Michele is sitting across from me. She smiles and recalls a memory of her mom saving money to buy her a prom gown. Mike, her father, would never have approved of this since it was $60. She told him it was $30.
Michele shakes her head and says,” Mom is the strongest woman I know.”
Aunt Rose cringes. The mention of his name still haunts her.
Aunt Rose then starts talking about her three sons, my cousins, being beaten over minor infractions like being five minutes late for dinner or not knowing where their father’s hammer was. She wrinkles her nose and shakes her head as she recalls an incident involving six- year-old Michael and eight-year-old Dean.
“You’re lying,” Mike shouted as Michael and Dean shook their heads from side to side, shooting each other sideway glances.
“No, Daddy.” They shrugged their shoulders and looked at each other, confused and scared.
“He beat them so hard with his belt, they lost their breath.” Aunt Rose said, adding, “ I did everything I could to try to stop him.”
“He glared at me and said ‘Get away or you’ll be next.’ “
Then as if it had just happened, she said, “ When he was done, he walked out into the garage, leaving me with two broken little boys to console.”
“Soon, he returned from the garage.”
“Well look at this,” Mike said, chuckling while holding up the hammer.“Look what I found.”
***
Our family felt the pain of her abuse, though the full extent was not revealed until she poured out these stories as we held vigil.
My heart goes out to Aunt Rose, my cousins and to all women and children who suffer at the hands of an abuser. He left when her fifth child was five months old but the scars remained until the end.
Although the abuse I write about in my memoir is emotional, it still is harmful.
If my memoir helps one person find their inner strength and courage to leave an abusive relationship, then I will feel my mission of increasing abuse awareness and prevention has been achieved.
It really is no surprise that my favorite song is “The Rose.” It reminds me that in the midst of all our sorrows, there is hope for new life and love.
This one’s for you, Aunt Rose. May you find the peace and happiness you deserve and may all your girlhood dreams be fulfilled in Heaven.
How about you? Dedicating a book to someone is a high personal matter. How have you or would you write a dedication page for your book?
I’d love to hear from you.
Please leave your comments below~
Announcement: Congratulations, Barbara Techel! Your name was selected in a random drawing of commenters to receive Cindi McVey’s memoir, To Live in Paradise: Dreams Found and Lost in the Heart of Africa.
This Week:
Monday, 5/18/14: “New Funding Options for Authors”, a guest post interview on Sharon Lippincott’s The Heart and Craft of Lifewriting blog.
Thursday, 5/22/14: “Google+Hangout Interview with Mary C. Gottschalk on Her New Novel, A Fitting Place”
***
The 30-day Pubslush Crowdfunding Campaign for my memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse was launched on May 12. Now in its second week, it is 63% closer to its goal. The campaign ends at midnight on June 11.
By making a contribution you will help spread the messages of hope, resilience and courage to those seeking freedom from abuse. Here’s the link to the campaign:
http://pubslush.com/books/id/2076.
If you are unable to make a contribution, I’d love it if you would share this link with others.
Share the hope.
Thank you!
Kathy,
What a perfect dedication! I think of all her years of silent suffering and how your book may help some woman/women break the silence of abuse, whether mental or physical.
I lost my husband to the same dreadful cancer that took your Aunt Rose. I’m sorry for your loss.
P
Thank you, Patti. It’s amazing how it struck me “out of the blue” and felt so perfect. If Aunt Rose’s story can help another woman break her silence, then her life and circumstance will have served a greater purpose. She was adored by our entire family during her time on earth and we miss her terribly. I appreciate your condolences. I’m sorry for your loss,too.
How heartbreaking, Kathy. Makes me feel violent, myself. Jesus Christ, how can such bastards get away with it? Don’t tell me, because I grew up in the same kind of home. And the answer, back then in the 1950s and 60s, was this: nobody cared if he beat you. The law didn’t protect us. Our mothers were as trapped as if they were 6-year-olds themselves. This is why I escaped into a job as soon as I was old enough to babysit – my mom’s tragic dependency built a flame of independence in my heart. Some things about the good old days weren’t.
Yes,Lynne, heartbreaking, indeed as well as infuriating. Thankfully,you broke the cycle and have become the epitome of the empowered woman. I agree, some aspects of the good old days weren’t. Thanks for stopping by.
What a story teller you are, Kathy. I just clicked on the link to your magical Christmas moment from “Christmas Past” and enjoyed all the sensory detail. Just substitute Pennsylvania Dutch food and omit the wine and you have a semblance of the Longenecker/Martin Christmas dinners around Grandma’s ample table.
A dedication page? My first thought is Mother and/or Aunt Ruthie because they appear prominently in the cast of characters of my own memoir moments. But then there is also my forbearing husband without whose support and artistic efforts I’d probably never make it. Well, there’s the “Acknowledgements” page too! : – )
Hi Marian. I’m thrilled you were able to conned twitch your one Christmas Past through my story about Aunt Rose. I have been thinking about the dedication for quite awhile and it came to me when I least expected it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Kathy-
I was struck by your doing dishes and having these thoughts. I wrote a short poem about this very action some time ago and you reminded me of how that simple act of doing dishes can be so meditative. It is an action that most women can identify with, opening the doors to other shared thoughts and experiences. Beautiful opening.
Thanks, Dawn. I’d love to read your poem. I never thought of dishwashing as being therapeutic but you’ve enlightened me with your descriptions.I appreciate your stopping by and sharing your insights.
A lovely dedication, Kathy. Abuse whether it’s physical or emotional is a terrible thing. Abusers are sick people and those who are abused suffer for them.
I’m dedicating my book to my mother, who was one of my abusers.
Wow, Joan, what a perfect example of the power of forgiveness. Beautiful!
There are several reasons for writing a memoir and one of the most important is to help others. It can be reassuring to know that we are not alone in what we experience, think, and feel.
There are some who think of remembering as “dredging up the past”. I prefer to think of remembering as digging up treasures that can be shared with others.
Lee
Read my challenge to WordPress users at:
Tossing It Out
Arlee, I absolutely agree that a memoir has to be bigger than your individual story. I love the image of “digging up treasures that can be shared with others.”I just left a comment on your post. I hope I have redeemed myself! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by. Everyone check out Arlee at his website: tossingitout.blogspot.com
Kathy, another warm, loving post. Thank you.
My dedication was easy to write and it was one of the first parts of my memoir I knew was finished. My memoir of my two years serving in the Peace Corps in a part of the old Soviet Union is dedicated to two people. It goes like this:
To Gulzhahan Tazhitova Zarubaeva, without whom this would have been a very different story, and to Mikhail Gorbachov, without whom there would have been no story to tell.
Now, the Acknowledgments were another matter entirely. :).
Fascinating dedication, Janet. It leaves me feeling even more intrigued about your memoir. Acknowledgements are tough as there are so many people who influence our journey to memoir. My biggest fear is inadvertently leaving someone out. Thanks for your comments.
Writing, particularly personal stories, can be an effective healing process for the writer and their family, and readers when the dedication to polish and publish is there. Kathy and my wife Dee (“One Side of Suicide”) are wonderful examples, as are those commenting. Blessings to those writing to heal themselves and the ripple they create.
Thanks,Paul. I’m looking forward to reading Dee’s story One Side of Suicide. Writing is definitely a healing process.
So exciting the launch is nearing. What a perfect way to honor the memory of your dear Aunt Rose. You writing is so vivid, I feel like I know her too. So sad the violence that you both had to endure, but hopefully your message will give others the courage to break the cycle.
Thanks so much, Pat,my “Hope sister”. You would have loved Aunt Rose. I’m happy you felt like you met her through this piece. Abuse is so devastating and senseless. It is my greatest hope that Aunt Rose’s story and my memoir of finding freedom from emotional abuse will resonate with readers and give others the inspiration they need to find their own way out. Your ongoing support and cheers from across the pond are priceless. 🙂
what a beautiful woman to dedicate your book to, Kathy. You have me in tears reading this. I must say, I’ve been there myself with deciding on a dedication, and in tears too, like you. As well as when I wrote my acknowledgements. There is just something about it after all the dedication and hard work and knowing we couldn’t have done it alone.
I have no doubt your Aunt Rose is smiling wherever she may be. It was her sign to you that she is guiding you every step of the way.
PS: Thanks so much for picking my name as the winner of Cindi McVey’s book!
Believe me, Barbara, I was in tears writing this. I love the image of Aunt Rose smiling from above. I feel certain she would approve. She was a source of great wisdom and strength to me during her life and I want her spirit to live on through this memoir.PS: Congratulations on winning Cindi’s memoir! I know you will love it.
Kathy,
I know how emotional it is to write a dedication to one’s book. I just recently dealt with this myself. The story of how you decided to dedicate your memoir to your Aunt Rose and how she talked about her own abuse on her deathbed touched me. I’m sure your aunt is looking down on you and is very proud not only that you escaped your own abuse but that you wrote about it to help many other women in similar situations. Good luck with your book, Kathy. Can’t wait to read it.
Lorenzo
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt response, Lorenzo. I appreciate your kind thoughts very much. I ,too, am looking forward to reading your memoir so be sure to keep me posted. Blessings on the journey~ Kathy
Such a touching yet horrific story about your Aunt Rose and her boys. My heart goes out to all of you. She must have been a very resilient woman – just like you. I know your story will help many, many others. And rest in peace, Aunt Rose xo
Thanks, Madeline. Yes, Aunt Rose was a remarkable woman, resilient and wise in her older years. My greatest hope is that her story will touch many as she touched anyone who knew and loved her during her time on earth.I feel consoled visualizing her at peace.
Kathy, The story of Aunt Rose is, unfortunately, the story of many women. As much as it is horrible for the woman, it is almost as destructive for sons who see a woman (their mother) in an abusive relationship while she remains powerless and voiceless. The sons often repeat the pattern of their fathers when it comes to their own family.
I believe recent statistics reveal that one in five women is a victim of domestic violence, which is why domestic violence hotlines are ringing off the hook. Domestic violence against women cuts across every demographic and socio-economic group. Bravo for writing your story, sharing your life and offering women hope and awareness that they deserve better.
Susan, that is so true. Fortunately, in Aunt Rose’s case, her four sons all grew up to be loving husbands and fathers, scarred by the past but determined to break the cycle.That is a testament to Aunt Rose’s love and strength as a mother. Domestic violence at the very least is toxic and at its worst, life-threatening and many times,fatal. I appreciate your support in helping me get this message of hope and awareness to women. Freedom from abuse is life-saving and life-affirming.
I had a dedication to my only living grandfather planned out for a story I was writing when I was in junior high. For any future dedications, I would choose someone who has impacted my life more than anyone else has. I’ve heard and read that book dedications can only be a couple of lines long so I would choose the best words I could combine to make it short, simple, and sweet.
Yes, Sarah, you are right. The actual dedication in the book will be 1-2 sentences. This post is the story behind the dedication.
Oh okay.. I think mine is a bit long for a comment. 🙂
It’s been a long road Kathy. I’m so excited for you! The dedication’s perfect. Your Aunt Rose was a brave woman.
Yes, indeed, Audrey, it has been a long haul. Your wonderful support and guidance along the way have helped tremendously. Aunt Rose was very brave. She did what she needed to do. Thanks!
Oh, Kathy, I did not realize the terrible abuse your precious Aunt Rose endured. After your post over at my blog, I’ve always felt I had come to know her as a friend, so my heart is heavy as I read the details you shared. Bless you for being willing to share your own story so that others might be spared. You are doing a holy work, Kathy, and God bless you richly for it.
Hugs,
Linda
My Dear Linda, your words console me.If one person finds the strength to stand up to his or her abuser and leave, I feel Aunt Rose’s story will have served its purpose. Thankfully,she had many years without him and with a family who adored her. Her death bed stories left us all stunned and guilty, how could we have not known the extent of her abuse all those years? But she held it all end until the end. I think she is pleased with the dedication and I know she is in a better place. I am deeply touched by your heartfelt words.
Hugs back,
Kathy
Kathy…Just read your blog and I`m sobbing!!My Mom went through so much abuse and pain in her life but always had the love of her 5 children,brother Michael and sister Katherine and of course her nieces and nephews!!She loved you all very much!!I can`t write anymore right now but I need to thank you so much for dedicating your book to my Mom!!What an honor!!Lunch with Laurie maybe next week…I`ll keep you posted!Love you very much cuz!!I can`t stop crying but I needed to!Thank you so much again!!
Oh, my dear Michele, I knew it would be hard to read. If it makes you feel any better, I was sobbing too when I wrote it. You are right, she was dearly loved by all and she certainly made the most of an intolerable situation. It is a pleasure and an honor to dedicate my memoir to her. See you soon. Love you too,Cuz. 🙂