Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Saloma Miller Furlong/@SalomaFurlong
“My responsibility as a poet, as an artist, is not to look away.” ~ Nikky Finney
I am very please to introduce you to Memoir Author Saloma Miller Furlong. Saloma and I met in a LinkedIn discussion in the Women’s Memoir group. She has recently launched her second memoir, Bonnet Strings:An Amish Woman’s Ties to Two Worlds, which is about her struggles within her Amish community and her eventual decision to leave. Her first memoir, Why I Left the Amish, was a finalist for the 2011 Forward Reviews “Book of the Year Award” (BOTYA).
My reviews can be found on Amazon ,Goodreads., Shelfari and LibraryThings:
Welcome, Saloma!
Your Story or Your Family?
Finding a balance between censoring our life stories so as not to hurt the people we are writing about and “telling all” is a difficult one for memoir writers. None of us have the answers for anyone else, but if we feel called to writing our life stories for an audience, we must answer it for ourselves.
It requires that we search our souls for what is important in our lives and stories.
Having grown up Amish, I often felt I would be disbelieved if I told my story as it happened. If someone from almost any other insular culture were to write a story like mine, it would be believed. But for many people to believe my story, they first have to let the Amish people down off the pedestal they had them raised upon. And yet, knowing all this, I still felt compelled to write my story.
I did not grow up in an idyllic Amish family. My father was mentally ill and incapable of being a father. As we children grew older, he often became violent. And he was not the only one. I was often whipped by my mother, for “backtalk” when I tried to voice my frustrations for the injustices in my life. And I suffered physical, mental, and sexual abuses at the hands of my older brother, Joe.
Silence shrouds all abuse. And yet for those who are being abused, breaking that silence takes enormous courage. When I was growing up, I often felt like I had no advocates. Other Amish people were not equipped to deal with the dysfunction in our family, and they would have been seen as “interfering” with another family’s life, had someone tried to intervene, so I felt I had no choice but to endure the abuses.
When I wrote my first book, Why I Left the Amish, I felt the purpose of the book was to break the silence by telling my story truthfully and to make people aware that even within a culture that is often seen as a model of a good society, abuses do exist.
Years after I left the Amish for good, I was writing my memoir and trying to get it published. My mother (Mem) was losing her battle with cancer and she knew it. It was in this condition that she made a startling request. She asked that I “not write anything bad about Joe or me.” My jaw dropped. There was so much left unsaid in this request. It felt like she was almost admitting that if I were to tell the truth, it would not shed her or Joe in a good light. It seemed to say I could write whatever I wanted about my father. After all, it would perpetuate the family myth — that he was the cause of all our family troubles. I simply did not know what to say. Mem knew she was invoking guilt about whether I would honor a dying mother’s request, should I think about refusing. I knew that too.
When I read a story by poet Nikky Finney about her grandmother making a similar request when she read one of Finney’s books, I was moved to tears. She described how her grandmother made a stunning, fervent request after reading one of Finney’s books — she asked that it be her last. Finney wrote: “I would’ve promised to sail the seven seas in five days if I could have, for my grandmother. She meant that much to me. ‘Promise’ she said. But I couldn’t. Even for her, I couldn’t.”
“Even for her, I couldn’t.” That was how I felt when Mem made her request. And so I did not promise her.
Finney went on to write, “I too forgive, but I don’t forget. In the forgetting we miss something important about the climb, the loss of life, the loss of dreams.
My responsibility as a poet, as an artist, is to not look away.”
This was exactly my aim when I wrote Why I Left the Amish, though I would not have been able to articulate it so well at the time. And there were consequences. After it was published, none my siblings would talk to me. One of my five siblings finally began communicating with me two years later. The others have not.
Even though Why I Left the Amish dealt with the hefty issues around abuse and family dysfunction, my aim was to have readers understand that we humans are resilient creatures — we can overcome many adversities, even though we may lose hope for a time. And we can move out of that place of feeling stuck and beyond mere survival to actually thriving in our lives through intentional healing, forgoing the right to hurt back those who hurt us, and envisioning what we want in our lives. One of my favorite quotes is by Thoreau:
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”
When I wrote my second book, Bonnet Strings: An Amish Woman’s Ties to Two Worlds, I was doing exactly that. I had always envisioned continuing my story that Why I Left the Amish had started. Bonnet Strings begins when I was twenty years old and decided that I would no longer endure the violence and dysfunction in my family. It is a coming-of-age story that conveys my struggle of feeling torn between two worlds, of hurt and healing, of doubt and faith, of longing and love, and of the competing desires for freedom and belonging.
A Christian publisher, Herald Press, is publishing Bonnet Strings. In the parts of my story that shed others in a negative light, the editors helped me to sort out whether that “scene” is central to the story, or whether it is something I could omit. If it was central, they helped me frame the material to be more sensitive to the people I’m writing about. We also chose to change some of the names and identities. The guidance I received was crucial in this book, and it was true to Anabaptist principles.
So in my first book, I aired more on the side of “tell all” than in my second book. I likely will not heal any relationships with Bonnet Strings, but at least I hope to prevent the hurt that people may have felt with my first book from going any deeper. It was a hard balance, and Nikky Finney’s articulation of forgiving, but not forgetting is a good way to describe the balance I tried to bring into writing Bonnet Strings.
I often think about the fact that from the time I started writing for an audience until the time my first book finally made it into print was seventeen years. By that time both my parents’ journeys on this earth were at an end. I now think it happened as it was meant to. As much as I wanted at the time to see the book make it into print, both the story and I needed to evolve. And at the end of their lives, my parents did not need to be reminded of the mistakes they made.
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Thank you Saloma for addressing a topic that is germaine to anyone who writes their truths then faces objections from their family or close friends.
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Author’s Bio:
Saloma Miller Furlong inspired millions with her story when she was featured in the PBS documentary The Amish that aired on American Experience in February 2012, She is also featured in the sequel, The Amish: Shunned premiering on February 4. She is one of seven people whose story this film follows. Her books, Bonnet Strings: An Amish Woman’s Ties to Two Worlds and Why I Left the Amish, offer an authentic rendition of what it was like to be born and raised in an Amish community. Furlong’s coming-of-age story is simultaneously a rare look inside her Amish community and universal story of overcoming adversity.
She offers hope to people in difficult life situations to call on their inner resources to make necessary changes to alter their lives.During her thirty-year inner struggle of coming to terms with her Amish past, Furlong has gleaned a better understanding of herself and her heritage. It is this perspective that she brings to her reflections about her life and her heritage.
Her story is featured in the PBS documentaries, The Amish and The Amish: Shunned on “American Experience”:
Author Contact Information:
Website: http://salomafurlong.com
Blog: http://aboutamish.blogspot.com/
Amazon Author Page: http://www.amazon.com/Saloma-Miller-Furlong/e/B004SXYJXE
Facebook Author Page: https://www.facebook.com/AuthorSalomaMillerFurlong
Goodreads Author Page: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4487564.Saloma_Miller_Furlong
Twitter:@SalomaFurlong
How about you? Have you had to deal with resistant family members who try to talk you out of writing your truths?
Saloma has graciously agreed to give away a copy of her memoir to a commenter whose name will be selected in a random drawing.
We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~
ANNOUNCEMENT: Congratulations, Janet Givens! Your name was selected in a random drawing of commenters to receive Frances Caballo’s book, AVOID SOCIAL MEDIA TIME SUCK.
Next Week:
Monday, 4/21/14: “Why I Decided to Go with a Small Publisher for My Memoir”
Thursday, 4/24/14: “Journaling as Seed for Memoir: A Memoir Moment”
Thanks Saloma for this incredibly clear exploration of such a powerful topic. The interview is so clear and heartfelt, it’s probably a sign of a fabulous memoir.
The topic fascinates me because it is fraught with implications about family and truth, kindness and social responsibility. Each of us has to weigh the pros and cons of alienating loved ones, and so instead of a “right” answer, we have to find the right answer for a ourselves.. Karen Levy “My Father’s Gardens” and Linda Wisniewski “Off Kilter” said that finding their truth was more important than protecting their mothers. Deborah Feldman’s “Unorthodox” is practically a whistle-blowing book about the sect of Hasidic Jews she escaped from. Jon Reiner “Man Who Couldn’t Eat” said he was honest with about his feelings but in the end, his relationship with his wife was more important than the story. Foster Winans after writing a first draft of “Trading Secrets” had one of the best talks of his adult life with his mother and chose to soften his harsh assessments. Now here’s one more terrific story.
Thank you Kathleen for all the work you do to share memoir work with the world.
Best wishes,
Jerry Waxler
Author of Memoir Revolution
Hi Jerry, I appreciate your insights about this relevant topic for memoirists. It certainly does take courage to share our truths in the face of family resistance. I agree, Saloma has provided us all with a clear exploration of the topic. In the end, we all have to find out own way. Saloma’s memoir is a courageous and compelling read. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts as well as sharing Saloma’s post on Facebook. Best wishes, Kathy
Jerry, thank you so much for your compliments about clarity. I try to be, but I often fall short of my intentions.
Those are great examples of different ways people have dealt with the question what to include in their memoirs and what to avoid to save relationships. And as I mentioned, I dealt with it in my first book differently than in my second one.
There is something good that came out of the first book within my family. I have a much healthier relationship with the sister who has come around to communicating with me now than I did before the book was published. And that is because I believe the book thrust her into such a painful place that she had two choices… go deeper into denial or find a way to heal from her past. She chose the healing path. Our relationship is now much more balanced and based on respect and genuine caring.
I hope you enjoy reading “Why I Left the Amish” and “Bonnet Strings.”
Happy Spring,
Saloma
What a wonderful post, Saloma. I admire you for speaking out about the abuse you experienced within your family. Many of us have lived with adversity as children. Some of us never tell our stories. Those who do help those caught in the trap of child abuse to find a way out. Thank you.
And thank you to you Kathy for introducing Saloma. I’m looking forward to reading her books.
Hi Joan, thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts about sharing the truths of abuse. So often, it is shrouded in silence and shame. Bravo to both Saloma and you for facing the pain of abuse and sharing your healing journeys. I have no doubt you will enjoy Bonnet Strings.
Joan, thank you for your comments about abuse. I agree… silence is a friend to abuse. So breaking the silence is at least the first step to breaking the cycle. And overcoming our adversities and learning how to live a life beyond mere survival… we can also thrive. This can happen if we embark on a healing journey that faces the pain, rather than avoid it.
May you enjoy reading my books.
Cheers,
Saloma
As I read your piece today, Saloma, I could feel you mounting the rungs of a ladder, shaky at times, on your way to awareness and clarity of purpose. But you persevered and didn’t cave in to the urge to omit or sugar-coat. Writing my own memoir via my blog has given me freedom “to forgive but not forget” the abuse I also suffered. I take this as a call to remember and reflect, but not hold grudges.
“What would people think?” was a question that pervaded life in the Mennonite community I grew up in too, so I have some insight into the quandary peculiar to this sub-culture. The conversations you record within your family about abuse expose the perverse nature of such secrecy. This is a book I must read!
I admire your resolute spirit and enjoyed the quotes throughout, especially the one from Thoreau, which I have mounted beside books on my shelf. And I am happy you are experiencing “success unexpected in common hours,” Saloma.
Marian, these are such powerful insights. I’m so happy Saloma’s post resonates with you and your own story. “I take this as a call to remember and reflect, but not hold grudges.” It amazes me how connecting through our stories can be life-affirming and healing. Yes, Bonnet Strings is a must-read! Thanks, as always , for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Hello Marion,
Thank you for your insightful comments. Oh yes, that was a common phrase in my community, too, “What will people think?” But that can work both ways. I used to use this as a guide when I felt things that were happening to me were wrong. I used to think, “If so-and-so feels it’s wrong, then it probably is.” I somehow knew these things would need to change if they were brought out into the open.
More often than not, though, worrying about “what people might think” was used in the opposite way… to shush people and get them to conform.
Having grown up in the Mennonite culture, you will bring an extra measure of understanding to the reading of my books.
Happy reading!
Saloma
Saloma, now that I’ve met you, it is even more special to read your insights here into the writing process, and even the editing process you went through in regard to family issues. Any blogger who writes at all about friends and family faces these questions. So many stories remain untold, but I have come to be at peace with some untold stories.
Welcome, Melodie! I’m happy you enjoyed Saloma’s post and agree that she addresses a very pertinent topic for memoir writers. Thanks for stopping by.
Melodie, I sure enjoyed meeting you!
You’re right, whenever we write about our friends and family. we have to examine the issues facing whether the stories remain untold, or whether we tell them. Good that you have reached a sense of peace with stories that remain untold.
Thank you for stopping by and enjoy Spring!
Saloma
Saloma, You write: “Silence shrouds all abuse. And yet for those who are being abused, breaking that silence takes enormous courage. When I was growing up, I often felt like I had no advocates.”
I would imagine that was doubly hard for a woman in an Amish culture, or in any culture for that matter. Breaking the silence takes courage for anyone, but there are challenges for women that are inherent in our culture and I applaud you for your courage doing it. I would love to hear about that part of your journey; I am sure it is in your memoir.
As the creator of a writing circle for women, I try to let the women discuss the fear and possible repercussions of publishing their life stories. Many wonderful memoirs have been tucked away in a drawer because of the “shroud of silence” that invades our culture, often when it comes to women and women’s issues. The question: What would my mother say? has come up several times in the Circle. Or, what will my husband say, my sister, my daughter? In the Circle we try to empower and validate each other – that is so important when women who are new to memoir writing go about beginning to put their stories on the blank page. It can be very energizing and a path to healing.
Thank you, Kathy for bringing this story to your readers’ attention.
Susan, thank you for your insights. Yes, living in an insular culture adds another measure of silence to abusive situations. And as discussed above, it was not “What will my mother think?” so much as “What will people think?” That may not seem like a big difference, but it is. Being concerned about what one person thinks has to do with your relationship with that person… being concerned about what “people” think has much more to do with putting on a public face that may not match what is going on underneath. And that is the difference, in a nutshell, between living in an insular tightly-knit culture like the Amish and the mainstream society.
However, your comments have to do with why stories go untold — for fear of alienating someone. For some, just writing it all down is a path to healing. Others may want to share it with someone — their therapist, or their life partner. Still others want to share it with a larger group, like their writer’s group. And then there are those of us who feel compelled to writing for the general public.
When someone has written a compelling story that many people could learn from and they hide it away in a drawer, it’s too bad for us. Yet every person has that prerogative. Earlier in this discussion someone said she has made peace with the untold stories.
You are wise in discussing the fears and possible repercussions of publishing a life story. Each person has to decide whether it is worth the risk.
Thank you for your comments, Susan, and I hope you get a chance to read my books.
Cheers,
Saloma
Thanks for your comments, Susan. The Women’s Writing Circle is a perfect example of providing women with a safe place to find and share their voices when other arenas in life are not as open and accepting. Saloma addresses this issue very well in her memoir. I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your perspective.
I appreciate the courage of your post and your memoir in exposing the abuses you endured growing up. Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us.
I am still writing my very first rough draft and am finding how difficult it is to write what we are ashamed of. Maybe not in abuses from our family but from the way we handle some of our own issues that life gave us. Maybe we are ashamed of ourselves….
Thanks for stopping by Clar. I agree, Saloma shows much courage and inspires us all to find our own way through the layers of shame and pain to get our stories out there.Best wishes as you move along in your memoir writer’s journey.
Clara, What you wrote made me think. When I wrote my memoir, “Again in a Heartbeat,” I grappled with those very questions you pose. I felt “shame” at how I handled my husband’s terminal illness. Yes, very difficult. Yet, it was through memoir writing that I found discovery, self-awareness and the honesty to move beyond my fear of what people might think of me. I believed my story might resonate, but as women we are taught to remain “silent” and being “outspoken” can be frowned upon. Good luck in your writing journey. Believe in yourself and your writing. Susan
Clara, thank you for your comments. Yes, shame is a huge thing in my home community. It goes along with worrying what other people think.
There were many layers of dealing with my past. Part of that included writing things in my journal that I did not intend to share with others… the shameful things.
I found that when I embarked on a healing journey, I had to deal with remorse for the things I’d done wrong. And once I had faced these things and forgiven myself as much as possible, I did not feel shame any longer. Now I feel it is more important to deal with my conscience directly than to feel shameful or be worried about what other people think. I don’t feel that shame plays as much of a role in my life as it did early on.
Sounds like a good writing exercise: “The things I am most ashamed about are:”
All the best with your own writing process.
Saloma
Ever feel humbled yet, at the same time, enlivened after hearing about someone else’s experiences? Throughout my read of your post, Saloma, I felt a renewed sense of aliveness – thank you! Your courage to move away from pain, to step forward into fresh air is a reminder that self-care choices do put one on a path towards healing though not without bits of chaos to move through. Thank you, Kathy, for having Saloma as guest. Her story moves me deeply and reminds me that I am never alone though my storyline may differ – invisible threads of connection abound.
Hi Dody, I appreciate your lovely comments on Saloma’s inspirational guest post. I agree that self-care leads to healing and I love how “the invisible threads of connection abound.” Thanks , as always, for stopping by and sharing your insights. 🙂
Dody, many thanks for your kind words. It touches me deeply to know that are moved. To get to the point of self-care, I had to move through the difficult places first. But as my counselor had predicted, I did not get stuck there, and the only way out was through. Now I realize that it was all worth it, though it didn’t feel like that at the time. It is like this Spring… we would not appreciate her so if we hadn’t just come through such a difficult winter. Stepping out in the fresh Spring air is a wonderful thing.
Thank you very much for your comments. May you be showered with blessings along the roads you travel.
Saloma
Saloma, “Silence shrouds all abuse. And yet for those who are being abused, breaking that silence takes enormous courage. When I was growing up, I often felt like I had no advocates.” These words ring true for me as I too grew up in a dysfunctional family with my mother the abuser with her words and emotional twists and turns. I did not grow up Amish, but your story resonates with me. As I write my own memoir, it is my hope that someone else will read it and realize that there is potential for forgiveness for the one who has silenced us all these years. And that there is a way to give your inner child a voice by writing your story. Perhaps we forgive. I know I have but I will not forget. Thank you for this post. It answers many questions for me about the inclusion, or not, of my siblings within my memoir.
Kathy, you always bring such wonderful writers to share with us their knowledge, expertise and wisdom. Soloma has really clarified for me so many issues I’ve confronted in writing my family’s story.
Hello Sherrey,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I agree, Kathy facilitates thoughtful and insightful discussions. Thank you, Kathy!
Sherrey, I am so glad you are writing your story. My next book will be about my relationship with my mother. The mother/daughter relationship is so complicated, isn’t it? And giving voice to our inner child is so important. When I was in my most intensive therapy, I was working with a grief counselor who did inner child work.
Whether you include your siblings in your memoir is a tough decision. I wish you all the best with that.
Many Blessings!
Saloma
Sherrey, I love it when we connect through our stories as you have with Saloma’s. When we see the impact our story has on others, I believe it gives us all courage to step forward and share our life lessons. I know your own work-in-progress memoir will share a powerful message of forgiveness in the face of childhood abuse. Thank you, as always, for stopping by and sharing your insights and kind words.
What strength it must have taken Saloma to break out of a dysfunctional family within the enclaves of the Amish church. Her book is truly an amazing testimony to the resiliency of the human spirit and one’s incredible capacity to forgive. I am sure her work has given others the courage to break the silence. Another must read on my to-do list.
Yes, Pat, Saloma’s memoir is an amazing story of resiliency and courage.A must-read, indeed. Thanks, as always, for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Pat, thank you for your thoughts. Yes, the human spirit is resilient. Grace is an amazing gift. I just heard of a woman in my home community who stood up to her abusive husband a year after my first book came out. The person who told me about it thought she may have gotten the courage to do so after having read my first book. I hope the story lends people inside and outside the Amish the courage to break the silence.
I hope you enjoying reading my story, and may you have a Happy Easter.
Wow, what a fascinating story and the dilemma you faced: protect your family or be true to yourself–a choice no one should have to make.
Even though my suffering was no where near the level of sexual abuse and I did not have to leave my community in order to speak my truth, I struggle with this issue. Because of mother’s Alzheimer’s I have chosen to wait until she will no longer be aware of the pain she caused me. And frankly seeing her suffer, has softened some of my feelings about my pain and heartache.
Your story reminds me of memoirs by others leaving closed communities like that of Martha Beck leaving the Mormans or Deborah Feldman leaving the Jewish Orthodox community.
Thank you for having the courage to write and then share your story.
Welcome, Heidi! I appreciate you stopping by to share your thoughts about Saloma’s brave and inspirational post on dealing with family when telling our truths. It certainly is a relevant topic for anyone writing a memoir and we all have to find our own way through the process, as you have with your mother. Thanks for sharing your story.
Heidi, thank you for your kind comments.
I can imagine seeing your mother suffer is not easy. I’m still trying to work through my issues with my own mother, and she is no longer living. I’ve read Feldman’s story, and also Carolyn Jessup, who left the Mormons, but not Martha Beck’s. I’ll need to read it. There is another book that I really like, called “The Romance Reader” by Pearl Abraham. Though it is fictionalized, I think it closely resembles the author’s story.
You’re right though, my story has many similarities to these other stories. Whenever there is a traditional culture that harks back to another time, there are similarities.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting.
Saloma