Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Eleanor Vincent/@eleanor_vincent
“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”
I am very pleased to feature Eleanor Vincent in Part One of this guest post interview about her memoir, Swimming with Maya. Eleanor and I met online in the NAMW Facebook forum. I was so impressed with her memoir of loving and letting go of her beloved daughter, Maya, I asked to interview her in a guest post.
Swimming with Maya demonstrates the remarkable process of healing after the traumatic death of a loved one. My book reviews can be found on Amazon and Goodreads.
This is Part One of the interview where Eleanor explores the themes in her memoir and shares the valuable lessons she learned from writing through her pain.
Welcome , Eleanor!
KP: You’ve written an honest and heart wrenching account of loving and letting go of your high-spirited daughter, Maya, in Swimming with Maya. When did you decide to share your story through a memoir? What is the main message you hope to convey to your readers?
EV: My message is simple: celebrate life. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Let the people you love know how much you love them. Life can be over in a moment. This is a truth we all try to defend against, but Maya’s sudden death at age 19 showed me that life could veer off in directions I had never imagined. When the unimaginable happens, how do we go on? This is the question Swimming with Maya attempts to answer. How do we get back up after life knocks us down? As a memoir, my book is a very personal account of one woman’s journey. It is not a self-help book, but it is inspirational and motivational because it shows how I became more resilient than I ever thought I could be. I decided to write about Maya’s death just days after she died. I instinctively knew her death would completely reshape my life and that I had to write about it.
That said, I should note that I had been writing professionally for more than two decades when she died. In addition, I was working on my MFA in creative writing at Mills College at the time. I was well equipped to take on what turned into a ten-year effort.
KP: I was able to relate to your memoir on several levels—as a mother, as a single parent and as a health care provider. Your intimate portrayal of your decision to donate Maya’s organs seems to be a central theme. But you also weave in several other layers to the narrative, including your past relationships, your current relationship with your surviving daughter, the special bond you and Maya shared. How did you decide on what to include in this narrative?
EV: That was a gradual process. At first, I just wanted to tell the story of Maya’s death and my decision to donate her organs and tissues. I never intended to go so deeply into my own past, my family, or my marriages and relationships. But readers in my workshops at Mills and then in my writing group kept asking hard questions about why the narrator made the choices she did as a parent. I quickly realized I would need to divulge much more personal material in order to write a believable narrative and create myself as a character in that narrative – one of the hardest tasks facing the memoirist.
Everyone’s life has a level of complexity. Because of my family background and my own subsequent attempts to cope with the dysfunction I observed as a child through therapy and spiritual work, my life has been extra complex. To understand the character of the mother/narrator in Swimming with Maya, the reader needs this information. I think our stories often ask more of us than we originally intend to divulge. In the end, I gave my all to the story, including creating a portrait of my own flaws and strengths as a human being.
KP: It seemed that Maya’s death prompted you to reexamine your role as a mother. What lessons have you learned in writing your memoir that you would like to share with your readers?
EV: I learned a lot about what it means to be a mother – and a lot more about how to write a compelling narrative. On the mother front, I always knew that being the mother of two daughters, Maya and Meghan, had been the most important shaping force in my life. Being motivated to be a good mother, a loving mother, caused me to reexamine and change many things about myself, including the painful process of going back and looking at the gaps in the mothering I had received.
But when Maya died, my heart and my ego shattered. Then I understood viscerally how very attached I was to my daughter – how fundamental she had become to my sense of self. I think most parents project their dreams and aspirations onto their children. Until you lose one, you do not realize the extent of this. Losing Maya forced me to grow into the person I wanted to be all along – a more loving, more compassionate, more resilient, and more trusting (paradoxically!) person. And it made me a far better writer. It also made me a much better mother to my surviving child, Meghan.
Even now, 21 years after her death, Maya continues to influence me. I am a better grandmother because of her. I enjoy my 3-year-old granddaughter Lucia more, and I’m motivated to spend more quality time with her, to be deeply involved in her life day to day, because I know what it means to lose a child. And honestly, Lucia reminds me of Maya. She has a lot of her spunk and creativity. I would not miss a minute of this!
To be continued…
Thank you , Eleanor, for sharing how your devastating loss helped you reshape your life and go on. You show us what resilience and courage look like.
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Author Bio and contact information:
Eleanor Vincent is an award-winning writer whose debut memoir, Swimming with Maya: A Mother’s Story was nominated for the Independent Publisher Book Award and was reissued by Dream of Things press early in 2013. She writes about love, loss, and grief recovery with a special focus on the challenges and joys of raising children at any age.
Called “engaging” by Booklist, Swimming with Maya chronicles the life and death of Eleanor’s nineteen-year-old daughter, Maya, who was thrown from a horse and pronounced brain-dead at the hospital. Eleanor donated her daughter’s organs to critically ill patients and poignantly describes her friendship with a middle-aged man who was the recipient of Maya’s heart.
Her essays appear in the anthologies At the End of Life: True Stories about How we Die (edited by Lee Gutkind); This I Believe: On Motherhood; and Impact: An Anthology of Short Memoirs. They celebrate the unique and complicated bonds between mothers and daughters, making hard decisions as a parent – whether your child is 14 or 40 – and navigating midlife transitions with grace and authenticity.
Eleanor was born in Cleveland, Ohio and attended the University of Minnesota School of Journalism and received an MFA in Creative Writing from Mills College, where she occasionally teaches writing workshops on creative nonfiction and memoir.
She lives in Oakland, California. Visit her website at www.eleanorvincent.com or connect with her author page on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/eleanorvincentauthor
Amazon link for ordering.
How about you? Has writing through grief helped you learn more about yourself?
Eleanor has agreed to give away a copy of her memoir, Swimming with Maya, to a commenter whose name will be selected in a random drawing.
We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~
Announcement: Congratulations, Carol Bodensteiner! Your name was selected in a random drawing of commenters to receive a copy of Grace Peterson’s memoir, Reaching.
Thursday, 8/1: From Grief to Healing, Part Two. Eleanor will explore how writing her memoir helped her to heal.
Kathy, you have done it again. Thank you for finding Eleanor and knowing what a good fit her story is for your blog. I downloaded her book Swimming With Maya a few weeks ago and it is on my list of must read books for this summer. How nice to get to know her a bit more here.
Eleanor, I’m so sorry for your loss and grateful that you chose to share your and Maya’s story with us. Thank you. You wrote, “I think our stories often ask more of us than we originally intend to divulge.” Indeed, I have found this myself. Thank you too, for taking 10 years to write it. I’m in my seventh year and appreciate all reminders that I needn’t feel so urgent. Sometimes stories must simmer a bit.
Hi Janet, I was so taken by Eleanor’s story of loss and healing that I had to interview her. How does one survive the devastating loss of a beloved child? It is a question so many of us ask. Yet, Eleanor takes us by the hand and guides us through the unthinkable in such a brave and honest way. Madeline Sharples does the same in Leaving the Lights On. I commend these courageous women who are giving us all hope that we can go on to live full lives after unfathomable losses. As is so special in memoir, both the writer and the reader share a transformative experience. Not only do we celebrate these brave women, we join them in celebrating the lives of their beloved children. I agree that stories need to simmer and we can’t rush the process. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Beautiful commentary, Janet and Kathy. I’m tearing up here, quite honestly. It is very moving to me when people truly “get” what is required to recover from the loss of a child. I agree that Madeline’s book – and her shining example of grace under pressure – are hugely inspirational. I treasure her! I am so happy if our books can assist people with their own journeys and transformations. Yes, some stories cannot be rushed. It is worth letting them gestate until they are ready.
xo
Eleanor
Kathy and Eleanor, Thanks for another wonderful interview. I find the words of other writers so inspiring and helpful in my own quest for healing through writing. I too, downloaded “Swimming with Maya,” last week and can’t wait to dive in.
Hi Joan, Your comments remind me how wonderful it is to be inspired and connected to our own healing journey when we share our stories as Eleanor has done so beautifully here. I’m so happy you enjoyed Eleanor’s interview. I feel certain you will love her memoir. Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting.
Joan – Thank you so much. I hope you enjoy Swimming with Maya. It can be a difficult read in the early chapters, so keep tissues handy. I tried very hard to make it worth the read – and offer some inspiration as the narrator’s healing progresses.
Having lost my sister unexpectedly last year I can only imagine the depth of Eleonor’s despair at the death of her daughter. I was moved by the interview and can’t wait to read part two. I’m looking forward to reading “Swimming with Maya,” as well. I’m sure there are healings lessons for all of us. Thank you Kathy. Thank you Eleanor!
Dear Lorenzo, I am so sorry to hear of your sister’s unexpected death. I am hopeful you find solace and healing in reading Eleanor’s memoir. I found her honesty to be so refreshing and I felt uplifted by the valuable lessons she chose to take away from her loss. I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your thoughts. Blessings as you continue in your healing journey.
Lorenzo,
I am so sorry to hear of your sister’s death. Unexpected loss can be very difficult so I hope you are getting good support. Thank you for your interest in Swimming with Maya. I hope you find comfort and inspiration in its pages.
“Then I understood viscerally how very attached I was to my daughter.”
This is a true and powerful statement. I believe that writing helps us discover and understand this unique attachment that makes itself known only after a child has gone.
Dear Nancy, You have your own story of the heart-wrenching loss of your beloved daughter in your memoir,The Truth About Butterflies Both Nicole and Maya, both high-spirited young women, are very much alive in my mind because their Moms chose to step out in courage to share their painful passages from grief to healing. Blessings to you both.
Nancy –
You are uniquely qualified to comment on the authenticity of my reflections in the interview with Kathy. I am very sorry for your loss. I think writing about our daughters is the best way to honor them and to keep them alive and vivid for ourselves and others. The mother-daughter bond is a powerful one. Thanks to Kathy for spearheading more awareness about healing through writing.
Eleanor,
My heart is with yours!
Kathy, thank you for introducing Eleanor to us.
Eleanor, what a gut-wrenching story. I think losing a child must be one of the hardest things God asks a parent to do. Good for you, surviving your daughter’s death and growing through it! I’ll be looking for the second part to your interview.
I know what you mean, Debbie. Losing a child is a parent’s worst nightmare. Eleanor’s story gives us hope that it is possible to survive such a loss and grow in new ways. I’m happy you are enjoying her interview. Thanks, as always, for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Kathy,
Your work here is the work of a saint!
Oh my, you’re beyond generous,Nancy and I appreciate your kind thoughts (even though the Vatican would take issue!!) Thank you. Honestly, I think you and Eleanor deserve sainthood for what you have endured. xo
Debbie – I’m glad you are enjoying the interview. Kathy asks really good questions! I was plenty mad at God, I can assure you. I ultimately came to a place where I realized Maya’s death was not “God’s will.” It is tempting to think God is involved in everything, but in the end, I believe we have free will and that God sorrows over our bad choices and losses, but does not bring these things into our lives to test us. On the contrary, I think our own souls are helping our physical selves grow. Life is mysterious, I think, and something to be treasured every moment.
Kathy and Eleanor, powerful interview highlighting many benefits of writing when healing from one of life’s hurts. Kathy knows that this is a subject near and dear to my heart and my memoir.
As a mom and grandma, I can’t imagine the immense void left when a child is lost. Eleanor, you treat your subject matter with such authenticity, allowing your reader to “see” inside your pain and the necessary decision making following Maya’s death. You are to be applauded for writing a book that will likely reach many more hearts than you’ll ever know.
Kathy, I have a copy of Swimming with Maya so don’t include me in your drawing, please.
Dear Sherrey, Eleanor does indeed show us the way through the pain to healing in Swimming with Maya–dealing with the unthinkable, the loss of a child. It seems to me any of us writing memoir feel strengthened when we follow each other’s journeys and come out on the other end stronger and even changed by each other’s stories. Your Letters to Mama are also very inspiring and I am looking forward to getting my hands on your memoir! Best wishes and thanks, as always for your ongoing support.
Sherrey –
Thanks so much for your insights and your support of Swimming with Maya. I continue to be awestruck by people’s willingness to “see” inside grief. As writers of memoir, anything we can do to help people touch a deep chord in themselves is a bonus. Plenty of people just want to read a good story! Either way, I’m honored.
I am grieving over a child in a very different way, but somehow all of this resonates with me. So I appreciate your transparency. Our son, age 12, has completely rejected my authority and has made life very difficult (to put it gently) for our whole family. Our marriage and family life are on the edge and have been for quite some time. In a way, I am walking through the process of “letting go”, and believe me, my heart is broken. I pray for God to heal this relationship and for God to bring peace in this storm. But I am having a hard time holding on to my faith. Please pray for me.
Debbie, Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear of your trials. I understand the pain of loving and “letting go” of a lost son. Twelve was about the age I feel I “lost” my son. I hope you are getting professional help as I know first hand the terror of watching a child go down a slippery slope and feeling helpless. My faith, Alanon, professional counseling and never , ever giving up hope have helped me through and I pray the same for you. I admire your courage in reaching out to share your story and ask for help. I appreciate you stopping by and I hope you will return. You are not alone. Blessings and hugs, Kathy