Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Wanda Maxey/@photosue
“If the numbers we see in domestic violence were applied to terrorism or gang violence, the entire country would be up in arms, and it would be the lead story on the news every night.” – Mark Green
I am very pleased to feature Memoir Author Wanda S. Maxey in this guest post. Wanda and I met online and share a common interest in increasing domestic abuse awareness. Her memoir, Love and Abuse on 40 Acres is a vivid reminder of the realities of domestic violence and a testimony to the power of hope in surviving a life-threatening situation. Although Domestic Violence Awareness Month was in October, we wish to extend this awareness to all months in the year.
My reviews can be found on Amazon and Goodreads.
Welcome, Wanda! 
Should I Stay or Should I Go. . .
“Take that illegitimate kid of yours and get out!” Those were the first words I ever remember hearing from Daddy.
I didn’t understand the words, as a four-year old at the time, but I will never forget his anger. Daddy never beat on us kids, he hurt us without using his fists. He acted as if we didn’t exist. He thought kids should be seen and not heard. Other times, he used words. I remember the time I dressed real pretty and modeled for Daddy.
He took a swig from his beer bottle, glanced at me and said, “Hey, Wanda, you look like a movie star.” He laughed. “Yeah, Lassie.Did you comb your hair with an egg beater?” My stomach started hurting again.
Maybe I’d make Daddy happy next time, I thought.
Next time never came. He’d tell my sister, Penny, “Get down on your hands and knees. Now bark like a dog.” Penny would be scared and cry as she knelt and tried to bark. Daddy just laughed.
He was an emotional abuser (anytime someone can hurt you, without even touching you) to all of his kids, but he was a physical abuser to my mom. My two sisters, two brothers and I saw the abuse our mom received from her husband, during our entire childhood. We still live in the aftermath. I used to ask Mom why she didn’t leave him. “No job, no skills, no money, and with all you kids, I don’t have anyplace to go.” She’d say.
Many years ago that was true. People didn’t have available resources like they do today. Now, plenty of woman’s shelters are willing to help, and they’re only a phone call away. I cried along with Mom, after the beatings.
“As soon and I get old enough and get married,” I sobbed, “you can all come live with me.” The day I turned eighteen, I ran off with a man who asked me to marry him on our first date. He turned out to be a man just like Daddy. After being a witness to Mom’s abuse for all those years, I refused to stay. I left him after only three weeks.
A couple of years later I met another man. He told me that if I’d marry him, he would let my mom and all my sister’s and brothers move in with us. I said, “Yes.” Mom finally had a way out. I got married and we all moved into a little two bedroom house, together.
Being raised with an abuser, I still didn’t know the qualities to search for in a decent man. I made wrong choices, as did both of my sister’s. Our entire family suffered for years at the hands of an abuser. We all carry the scars, both inside and out. If Mom had left him sooner, how different all of our lives may have been.
So, if you’re asking yourself if you should stay for the sake of your children? Why not try asking your children?
***
Thank you , Wanda for sharing the face of abuse with us and for showing us how the cycle of abuse can be broken.
Author Bio and Contact Information:
Wanda S Maxey is a Christian, a Writer, and an Author who lives in Michigan. Her passion is trying to help others who have been through abuse, no one has to go through it alone. She was widowed in 2005 after 32 years of marriage to a wonderful man. Two years later, being lonely and desperate, she found a new love on the Internet. After a whirlwind courtship they were married. She soon discovered she had married a sociopath. Her books were written in the hopes of helping others learn about the signs to look for, so as to not be “Hooked,” by one of these predators. “Love and Abuse On 40 Acres,” a true story of hope as the secluded dream retreat with one husband became a widow’s isolated place of terror with the next. “Daddy Never Called Me Princess.” a true story of how five children struggled to find adulthood as they wrestled to escape the control of an abusive man. They called him Daddy.
Social Media:
Website : Living Faith, Loving Laughter, Sharing Hope
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/wanda.s.maxey
Facebook author page: https://www.facebook.com/WandaSueMaxey
Twitter:@photosue
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/wandamaxey
Google+: Wanda Maxey
Bloggers: photosue
Pinterest: pinterest.com/wandaswritings
Link to Amazon for ordering
How about You? Have you ever been in an abusive situation? Do you know the signs of an abuser?
Wanda will be giving away one copy of Love and Abuse on 40 Acres to a commenter whose name will be selected in a random drawing.
We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~
This Week:
I’m also over at Cate Russell-Cole’s CommuniCATE blog with a post : “Releasing the Creative Genius Within.” Hope you’ll stop by there too!
Next Week:
Monday, 11/11: “An Interview with Memoir Author Theo Nestor: Writing is My Drink: A Writer’s Story of Finding Her Voice (and a Guide to How You Can Too).
Friday, 11/15: WOW! Women on Writing Book Tour and Giveaway of Bringing In Finn by Sara Connell: “Miscarriage, Stillbirth , Loss”
The lead comment by Mark Green heading your review is appalling, Kathy. The cover on Wanda’s book is charming, but the sky looks bruised, perhaps hinting at the content of the story that will unfold within its pages.
It sounds like this cautionary tale has brought healing by writing for the author and a compass for readers with similar experiences to follow. I am so very thankful for a caring, loving spouse.
Great review, Kathy!
Marian,
Thanks so much for your comment. Yes, writing the book helped to bring healing. You are truly blessed to have a caring, loving husband.
Have a great day.
Take care,
Wanda
Marian, I agree. Through sharing her painful story of abuse and her eventual courageous escape from it,Wanda has both increased awareness and inspired hope in others. Thanks so much for offering your insights.
A couple of months before I turned 18, I met who I thought was the love of my life and my soulmate. I had no idea he was exactly the opposite. He was a mix of psycopath and sosciopath who lived with the aftermath of an extensively abusive childhood. He became my best friend in a lot of ways. He kept calling me, trying to visit me to get to know me. I thiught he was just being a good guy at first, so I let him in, so to speak. I didn’t realize he was abusive in literally every way. He started stalking me, calling me to see if I was home and then telling me he was just making sure I was okay because he’d been waiting for hours for me , at my house, to come home, or he’d sneak around my neighborhood late at night to see what I was doing during those late hours. I wrote it off as an “overly protective” friend. Then, we started dating a few months later because I saw that he wouldn’t leave me alone , unless and until I said yes. I thought he would stop being so forceful once I gave in.
A few months later, he held me against a wall and chocked me because an ex bf had called me to congratulate me on graduating and to “catch up”. I started yelling at him and asking him how dare he hurt me. That’s the first time he hit me. I let it go because I thought it was the right thing to do. He swore he’d never do it again. Months later, he raped me and swore to never do that again, too. He would buy me whatever I wanted and do little things for me that made me feel special to convince me that he loved me. Unfortunately, it worked. The longer I was with him, the worse it got. Eventually, I couldn’t leave him because he would threaten me and manhandle me if I tried.
I had a chance to leave him two weeks before I found out I was pregnant by him. I didn’t take it, thinking this was my chance to make things better and start a family. I had always wanted a little boy and he knew that, making his plan to control, manipulate and dominte me and eventually our unborn child. I went as far as accepting an engagment ring, with a false promise of marriage.
In the following year, during my pregnancy and post pregnancy, the abuse got worse. I was continually threatened, chocked, raped, and cheated on every chance he got. It didn’t matter that I was pregnant with the son he claimed he wanted so badly.
After I gave birth toward the end of that year, he proved to me and my family that he had no intention of being a father or a husband. He simply wanted what he could get from me, had no interest in “our” child and attempted to continue what he had been doing for the last 2 years. It wasn’t until he went to prison that I could finally break free from him and the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I’d grown accustomed to. Even now, I occasionally suffer from PTSD and post- rape trauma. It’s taken nearly 2 years to recover and even more time to discover that I don’t deserve that, and neither does my child. No one does. It’s okay to say no, to set boundaries and to protect yourself and those you love from the kind of nightmare you can’t just wake up from.
The signs are all there in an abuser. You just have to pay attention to them. If they hit you once, they’ll hit you again. If they don’t take no for an answer, chances are, they never will. Don’t wait for them to change. You make the change and leave immediately. It doesn’t matter how minor the offense was or is. It doesn’t get better. It gets worse. And so do they. If they’re dominating, controlling and find fault with everything you say and do, that’s not love. That’s an indication that they have plans they intend to carry out at all costs and by any means. Never be afraid to leave. And don’t blame yourself. You deserve better.
Welcome, Sarah. I appreciate you sharing your painful story of abuse so honestly and bravely. The many powerful lessons you have learned through your lived-experience about identifying an abuser and not being afraid to leave are invaluable. Abuse can kill. If your story helps just one person leave an abusive relationship, it will be worth telling. I’m happy you were able to escape and recover. Keep writing. Your story is very important, not only to you but to many others who are suffering. Thank you so much for stopping by and having the courage to share. I hope you keep writing and get your story out there.
Blessings on your journey,Kathy
Sarah,
Wow! I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. You are right, an abuser hooks us in the beginning by making us feel special and loved. But, the truth of the matter is, a sociopath does not know how to love. They are good at deception, lies, control and manipulation. Then they go after our soul.
I’m so glad that you’re away from him and out of that situation now. You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment, no one does. There is much wisdom in your words. I hope you’re doing well.
All God’s Best,
Wanda
I can’t wait to read this memoir…its important that we share these stories so that others can know they are not alone. Also, it’s important in order to stop the cycle of abuse…such a tragedy in the lives of adult children. My heart breaks for emotional, physical, and other abuses in my children’s lives.
Thank you for sharing and for the opportunity to win a copy of this important memoir!
Write on!
Thanks,Rhonda, for sharing your insights. Yes, let’s all keep sharing our stories and writing our way to healing for ourselves and others.
Rhonda, Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Even though someone may think they’re all alone, it helps to know that many others are going through the same heartaches.We’re all in this together and can draw strength from one another.
Many blessings,
Wanda
Tonight at dinner we were discussing people we used to know forty or fifty years ago, mainly people who have died. Among them I recalled Nancy, the daughter of good friends who lived across the street when we were all still hatching into adulthood. Several times a week I’d take my infant son to visit Nancy’s mother Linda and just hang around.
This was decades before the concept of abuse came out of the closet, but I didn’t need to know the word to feel its power. I felt a kick in the gut every time I heard Linda talk to Nancy, “You scrawny little thing! Why don’t you ever …?” I knew at the time Nancy was being taught she was worthless. I hated hearing that, but had no idea how to intervene, or even that I should. “Not my business.”
I was not surprised to learn some time back that Nancy died of cancer at an early age. Some hurts go clear to the core.
I still feel bad that I didn’t know about intervention. Would it have made a difference? Probably not. Linda marched to her own drummer. So much ignorance back then! Is it better now? I truly don’t know. But I do know that today I’d find a way to speak up, with compassion and tenderness, but also firmness. We must protect the children.
Thanks for sharing your story, Sharon. For those of us who did not grow up with abuse, it is hard to fathom the deep wounds it inflicts, the scars of which last a lifetime. When people like Wanda are brave enough to share their stories, we all become more aware of the seriousness of it as well as the importance of our intervention. But years ago, intervention was not an option because the abuse was “hidden”. Even though you saw it as it was, it wasn’t as easy as it is today to report it. Now health care providers and teachers are liable if they do not report a suspicion of child abuse. I have no doubt you would speak up today. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Sharon,
Thank you for sharing your story about Nancy. Abuse hurts and you’re right, some hurts go clear to the core.We carry the scars for a lifetime. Only the Lord can give us the strength to forgive, and the wisdom to learn how to help the next person who comes our way.
Many blessings,
Wanda
Hello, Wanda,
I never get caught up on stuff like this. My mom said the very same thing your mom said about leaving, so instead, we all suffered my father’s abuse.
I sometimes blamed her for not trying to find a way to get out, but as I grew older, I knew that her reality was a sense of hopelessness.
I quit trying to please my father before I reached my teen years. Instead, I set my sights on things that interested me, and gave me joy.
It is sad to say, but he never impacted me in any positive way, and as a child, I hated him for not being like other dads. But who can know about appearances?
Dan
Welcome, Dan. I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your perspective. I’m sorry you had to endure so much pain as a child. It takes courage to talk about it. But, when you do, you give others who have endured the same pain the courage to talk about it too and not feel so alone. Thank you fro taking the time to comment. Wishing you healing blessings, Kathy
Hello, Dan,
Thanks for reading and commenting. A lot of moms felt forced to stay with an abuser because they thought there was no way out. Thankfully, things have changed, for women who want to leave, and there is help now. I’m sorry that you were raised with an abusive dad, too. Hopefully you’ve found joy in your adult life. You’re right, things are not always as they appear. We can never understand why a person acts the way they do. We just have to do what’s best, for ourselves, and our children, and walk away. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Many blessings,
Wanda
Hi Wanda, I saw the face of “Domestic abuse” through your article. You are right, nobody escapes when father is an abuser–physically and mentally to his wife and indirectly or directly to his children. My son still remembers the arguments, verbal fights–mainly from his father towards me. I used to keep quiet or get out at times. I even took a job on phone– as a doctor in another city– even without checking the place. My culture is different from Western culture and it is not easy to leave the man or take a divorce. I got my freedom when my late husband went to India in the name of charity work. Both the children went once to visit him, but I did not want to see his face. He died there and me and my son went to India to do the ritual. I needed to do it well for my son.
Smita,
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, but I’m pleased that you made it safely out and away from him. I hope you’re doing well now and have found joy in your life. You deserve peace.
Many sweet blessings,
Wanda
Love this, so many websites about DV, never see one so active, this encourage me. I’m a victim, yes I am, I’m in a shelter now,.I comment this before in Wanda site, so watching many women here with the same experience, with little kids, one have 7 !, and I listened her yelling and screaming the kids, probably in the same way the father did. How to break that cycle, how no to raise future abusers, is not a rule, but some of them will be potential ones. We need hill first? But what about the little victims, my son is 16 years old, my abuser wasn’t his father, took me an act of aggression with him to take the guts and run. I’m fine, my son……I think he its ok, I show him love, and try make it better for him. Showing him, there its love, respect, and kindness.
Dear Liliana, Welcome to Memoir Writer’s Journey!Thank you very much for having the courage to share your abuse story so openly. I’m sorry you and your son have suffered the horrors of abuse. You are very brave for breaking the cycle and “having the guts” to run. By sharing your story, you are helping others to take the steps you have taken to escape and get help. You are sharing hope. I’m happy you are safe now. Wishing you God’s blessings as you move forward in your life.
Hi, Liliana,
I’m sorry for all the abuse you’ve endured, but I’m so glad that you’re away from the drama, and safe in a shelter now. Thanks for telling your story so that others may know they’re not alone, and that there is help out there. We all need to protect the children who are not able to take care of themselves. I pray for strength & courage as you face each new day.
All God’s best,
Wanda