Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Pamela Richards/@candletothesun
“Real courage owns up to the fact that we face a terrifying task, admitting that we are appropriately frightened, identifying sources of help and strength outside and within ourselves, and then going ahead and doing what needs to be done.”
– Dr. Alla Renne Bozarth taken from Wanda Maxey’s website
Finding freedom from domestic abuse is a theme in my memoir-in-progress and the topic in this discussion with Pam Richards. We both believe that increasing awareness of domestic abuse prevention may help others who may feel trapped in abusive relationships.
We explore the role faith played in our experiences in honor of National PTSD Awareness Month 2013. This post is adapted from the original interview on Pam’s site, Candle to the Sun in 2/2013.
Q: Was there a moment when you knew you would come forward with your story?
Kathy: It took many years of writing before I decided to share my story of abuse. I think abuse comes in many forms and while I did not incur bruises or broken bones, I subjected myself to years of mental and emotional abuse at the hands of two different husbands. The key for me was not establishing healthy boundaries for myself and relying on the other person to change. I hadn’t found my voice. When I felt physically threatened by my second husband, I escaped in the middle of the day with my two children. It wasn’t until after I left my second husband that I fully realized I had subjected myself and my children to not just one but two abusive relationships. That was in 1989. When I started writing a memoir in 2000, it was to be about dealing with my alcoholic son. As I wrote, I realized that I couldn’t tell his story until I told my own. The theme that has emerged in 2013 is one of the consequences of not embracing your inner voice that tells you something is not quite right.
Pam: Singing from Silence began as a very personal project. It gave me a way to explain to Richard why I couldn’t get in touch with him at the end of his life. I’d never had a chance to tell him what was going on with me while he was alive. When he died, I had so many unresolved feelings. I threw myself into writing both the parts of the story he knew, and the parts he’d never heard–the things no one else could tell him because they were my own perspectives. I was uncertain about what to do with the book until I asked for his decision. It became clear to me that he would have wanted me to publish. That’s when I knew I would bring it out, regardless of the personal cost to me.
2) Can you describe what catalyzed your commitment?
Kathy: In both cases, the welfare of my two children was an overriding concern that guided me out of two abusive relationships. Though it seemed to take much longer than, in retrospect, I wished it had taken, I was able to extract myself from both marriages before any more damage was done.
Pam: Not long ago, a woman I know was threatened by a domestic partner. He threatened to take one of his guns and kill her, himself, and two of her family members. I was with her when she showed the text message to police, when she filed the paperwork for a restraining order, and when she went before a judge and got her temporary order. And I was with her just a few weeks later, when she learned he’d carried out his threat of suicide. It was a tragic loss, but thankfully no one else was harmed. I prayed with gratitude that God has put her on the path of peace, and kept her and her family out of harm’s way.
Ever since then, I can’t consider staying silent when I know so many lives are at stake, and that God has a place for all of us in his plan. With Richard, I will sing for the meek.
3) What role did your faith in God play in ending your abusive situation?
Kathy: I always had a faith in God and yet, it wasn’t until I was a single parent with two school-aged children after my first divorce that I found God in a personal way. However, I must have lost sight of that connection, for a few years after, when I met my second husband, I seemed to be driven by a need to be an intact family again rather than guided by faith. It turned out to be at a steep cost.
Pam: I finally figured out that God’s grace applied to my hopeless marriage. I was trying to live by the letter of the law, and it had never worked. I felt I really needed God’s forgiveness to end my marriage and get my children out of danger. Once I accepted that grace, I knew I was on the path God wanted me to follow.
4) What was the single most important factor in getting to safety?
Kathy: First, awareness and acknowledgement that you are indeed in an abusive situations (denial can play a big role as it did for me) and need to get out and second, develop a support system and an escape plan ahead of time. Have your bags packed. This can only happen when you admit you’ve made a mistake and need to act on your fears . Also, you need to love yourself enough to want something better for yourself. Again, listen to, honor and embrace your inner voice.
Pam: For me, it was having a friend–just one–who believed in me and helped me face the red tape needed to carry out my safety plan.
5) What would you say to someone who is going through what you went through?
Kathy: Don’t put up with unacceptable, hurtful behavior, whether it be mental, emotional or physical. The first time another person violates your boundaries, take action to protect yourself. No excuses and don’t listen to their excuses. Do not accept unacceptable behavior from anyone. Ever.
Pam: Forget your reputation. Don’t worry about the lies people are inclined to tell about you: just tell your truth as only you know it. Ultimately, Jesus is the truth, and he sets us free. If you have made every effort on your part to make peace in your home and your community and it’s still not working, then recognize that some things are beyond your control. God gave me a great gift when he taught me that inner peace is actually within our control. Almost nothing else is.
Learn to prioritize the peace within your heart that no one can take from you. There is no better family name than child of God, no better reputation.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”
6) What safety measures would all of us be wise to follow?
Kathy: As I mentioned earlier, establishing a support system of family, friends, community agencies with phone numbers, safe places to go. Most important, do not isolate yourself. Seek counseling if you find yourself in an abusive relationship to understand your own role in attracting and allowing abusive people in your life.
Pam: Know the high-risk factors. Stop denying it–those conditions mean you’re in trouble. Have a safety plan. Follow it!
7) How do you look at life and God differently now than you did before you experienced an abusive relationship?
Kathy: With counseling, faith, supportive friends and family, I have been able to see my role in allowing abusive relationships and to forgive myself for subjecting myself and my children to unacceptable behavior. I am very grateful that I was able to extract myself from two abusive marriages and learn from my mistakes. In finding my voice, I found a life of joy, peace and gratitude. I finally feel deserving of all the gifts God wanted for me all along. It is very empowering for I know I am in charge of my choices.
Pam: Rich Mullins was a very introspective person, and through my friendship with him, God taught me the value of examining myself and challenging myself to grow. The experience of my failed marriage has opened me up to the need to keep growing, and never to expect to ride on a plateau of self-satisfaction in my personal growth.
I learned that we may think we’re making peace by escaping conflict or avoiding it, but nothing is further from the truth. Conflict postponed is conflict multipled. Sometimes despite our efforts, the resolution of conflict is outside of our control. When our safety is compromised, that must be addressed immediately. But unresolved inner conflict can still entangle us and steal peace from our hearts. We may even begin to want to retaliate. It may take time, but instead we need to let go of those injuries which are outside of our control so we can find peace within. When we do, we can begin to see that jealously, or abuse, or lying, or gossip are universal human ills. We don’t have to take them personally.
There is no personal battlefield unless we ourselves march onto it with weapons in hand.
God wasn’t on the beach, watching a mountain sunrise, or dreaming by a babbling brook when he said those words he spoke. He was on a battlefield:
“Be still, and know that I am God.”
Pam Richards is the author of Singing from Silence, the story of her friendship with creative genius Rich Mullins, in which she shares the back stories of many of his well-loved songs. Which of his songs centered on the topic of domestic abuse? That would be Richard’s song for the meek, “I Will Sing.” She claims she’s not a great singer, so she intends to find ways to go on giving a voice to the meek in her own way.
I am a contributor to The Woman I’ve Become, in which 37 women share their journeys from toxic relationships to self- empowerment. Currently, I have two memoirs-in-progress. The working titles are: #1 Choice and Chances: A Jagged Journey to Self and #2 Hope Matters: A Memoir of Faith. Choices and Chances opens with my escape from my second husband due to fear of physical abuse. It chronicles my journey up to that point through a previous failed marriage. It is about finding my voice.
How about you? Have you ever found yourself in an abusive situation? Do you have any lessons to share or words of advice for others?
We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments or questions below~
Announcement: Congratulations to Barbara Techel. Your name was selected in a random drawing to receive Karen Levy’s memoir, My Father’s Garden!
This Week: I’m over at Dawn Herring’s blog with a guest post interview on “Authentic Refreshment.” Hope you’ll stop by there, too.
Next Week: Lifewriting Teacher and Author Sharon Lippincott will discuss “From Blog to Book.” She will give away a copy of writing book, The Heart and Craft of Writing Compelling Descriptions to a random commenter.
Pam … The sentence about God’s grace being needed to end a marriage speaks incredibly to me. Thank you.
Hi, Audrey
I’m glad you stopped by. I have held myself to a rigid standard for much of my life. God cares about our state, but none of us will ever meet a perfect standard of perfection. So often growing means acknowledging when we need grace in our lives–and when we need to forgive ourselves as we have been forgiven. Thank you for sharing, and God bless you on your journey!
Dear Audrey, Thank you so much for stopping and commenting. I’m happy Pam’s words resonated with you. Wishing you continued blessings on your journey.
Dear Kathy and Pam, Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and honest commentary on the value of women finding their voices as a means to empowerment and healing.
Thank you for your support, Susan! It’s an honor to be given a voice on Kathy’s blog. Her gentle caring allows so many of us to find a place to speak our truth.
Thanks Susan. You are so right. Amazing things happen when we claim and share our voices. Thank you for all you do to promote women finding their voices.
Kathy, again: were you talking about your life or mine?
Much love, Christina
Yes, Christina, we have been on this journey together. What a joy it has been to put the pain behind us and be able to share the many blessings of our lives today 🙂
Kathy and Pam, what an inspiring post! It is so true that the capacity for inner peace is within our control, and we do need to love ourselves and acknowledge that we deserve better. Exiting an abusive relationship is so incredibly difficult, and my heart goes out to those women who feel they are unable to leave. Having even one person you can reach out to can make it possible. Although my two abusive relationships ended 25 years ago, they affected me forever. Thanks for your wonderful post!
Hi, Libbye
I’m so happy to see you here with us again! It’s like old home week. Your affirmations as someone who has been there with us are so powerful. I hope each of us will someday find ourselves being that “one friend” someone can reach out to when help and healing are needed.
Best blessings,
Pam
Great to “see” you Libbye! It is so true, as you say, that “the capacity for inner peace is within our control and we do need to love ourselves and acknowledge we deserve better.” Thank you for adding your voice to this important mission of awareness of choice in leaving abusive relationships. Blessings, Kathy
Dear Pam and Kathy, what an insightful interview. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. By healing yourselves, you are helping others.
To quote Maya Angelou–when you know better, you do better. Personally it took me a long time to break my own dysfunctional cycles. But I eventually found my voice and learned to set healthy boundaries.
For a long time though, I struggled with Self-forgiveness and self-compassion. But I’ve realized that it was all part of my journey so that I could learn to love myself.
I have also learned that it’s about knowing myself and owning my power as a woman and not being afraid of shining my light into the world.
What a heartfelt testimony, Andrea to the power of loving ourselves enough to forgive ourselves and move on. Thank you so much for sharing your hard -earned insights.”I have also learned that it’s about knowing myself and owning my power as a woman and not being afraid of shining my light into the world.” Beautiful!
Andrea,
Thanks for your remarks! You seem to have found your way through the minefield. I’m grateful for your encouragement. I believe as you do that each of us has been given a light to share.
Best blessings,
Pam
Kathy and Pam, thank you both for not being silent. Those of us who have left abusive relationships understand each other. Here’s a shout out for your work. Let me add my name to the fight to ending abuse in any form. I’m looking forward to reading both books! All the best, Sue.
Hi, Sue!
I appreciate your encouragement. There is a sisterhood that extends beyond famliy ties, and I have a sense you belong to that larger family. Thanks for being there for the rest of us!
Pam
Hi Sue, Interesting comment on not being silent. For years I did not even acknowledge that I was in fact an abused spouse. My denial led me right into another abusive relationship far worse than the first one. Then once I acknowledged I was allowing this abuse, I felt shame. I’m educated, I came from a loving family, I’m a nurse. How can it be? I was embarrassed. But writing about it helped me to break through the denial and shame and move on to self-forgiveness as well as forgiveness of the perpetrators. Breaking the cycle of abuse ends when we have the courage to face it, call it what it is and choose to stop it. Thanks for joining in the “sisterhood” fight to stop abuse through sharing our stories. I know some of your stories already and can hardly wait to read your memoir. 🙂
Kathy and Pam,
You’ve written an inspiring and important piece together. Your willingness to be completely honest is wonderful and I’m sure will help many women in abusive domestic relationships to begin finding their way. Great work!
Joan Rough
Thank you so much for your kind comments, Joan. It’s nice to have you stop by and share your thoughts. Helping women in abusive domestic relationships find their way out is exactly what Pam and I intended with this conversation. I appreciate your affirmation.
Joan,
Every one of us who sings for the meek is praticing and teaching peace. Thank you so much for raising your voice with ours!
Pam
This theme resonates with me. Once while working for International Planned Federation I was involved in a program in Colombia, Venezuela, and Ecuador that helped women who had experienced abusive domestic relationships. I had the opportunity to interview many of those wornen and their stories of pain but ultimate survival will remain with me forever.
Congratulations to Kathy and Pam for speaking about the issue with sensitivity and honesty.
Thank you for your support, Lorenzo. I note that in addition to being a compassionate human being, you are a composer and pianist. If you ever have a chance to read Singing from Silence, I think you will appreciate the musical background. And from your interview on Kathy’s blog, it seems you have faced the life challenge of being separated from loved ones, too. I’m posting a youtube of one of the songs Richard used to do in his early days so you can “meet” his music! http://youtu.be/mmF8FcmakJE Please forgive the recording quality. This one was never recorded for distribution. –Pam
Lorenzo, You are no stranger to the pain of being separated from your parents at such a young age,a decision you had no control over. I’m not surprised that you have a keen empathy for those abused women. The fight for survival is a strong instinct and I know your memoir will be a testimony to that. Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your perspective. And please keep us posted on the launch of your memoir.
Thanks to both of you for your generosity in sharing your stories. I want to comment on one of Pam’s response to the question about how she got out. For me too, it was due in large part to one friend who believed in me and helped me to believe in myself. We never know how we might be the catalyst to empower someone to leave an unhealthy situation. It’s important to keep that in mind in every relationship we have with our friends.
Hi, Linda! How wonderful to see you here. I’m glad you added your reminder–all of us who offer our friendship to others become an important part of their lives. Sometimes we need great patience to see a friend’s transition through, but the end results are worth the effort.
Pam
Dear Linda,
It’s so nice to see you here! I agree that it only takes one caring person who is willing to take the risk of reaching out to make all the difference in the world to a person in an abusive situation. Often times, the abused person has become numb to the situation and needs someone on the outside who can see more clearly. Those of us who have been through it know on a gut level how important it is to reach out to others who may not see it for what it is and even if they do, they may not know how to handle it. Yes, relationships are key. Thank you so much for adding your perspective here and for sharing your story.
Kathy and Pam, what a powerful commentary on protecting ourselves from abusive situations. As Kathy knows, I grew up the child of an emotionally and mentally abusive mother. What I don’t believe I’ve ever shared in any of my writing is that at age 21, I married my first husband who was also emotionally and mentally abusive. Why, after my childhood, didn’t I see what I was walking into? So, I’m adding my voice to both of yours and standing strong with what appears to be a sisterhood of survivors here.
If you haven’t read Pam’s book, I highly recommend it. And Kathy, I’m looking forward to reading your books.
Hi, Sherrey! Your support has meant so much to me in so many ways. Now I find that both of us had a mother who failed to teach us what caring looked like, and how to recieve love. We can hardly blame ourselves for failing to create in our adult lives something we’d never seen in childhood. Amazing that the Great Artist has used even our difficult circumstances to teach us the beauty of grace in a broken life! Thank you for sharing here your own experiences with domestic abuse.
Sherrey, Thank you so much for “adding your voice and standing strong with what appears to be a sisterhood of survivors.” You ask why you walked right into an abusive relationships after having had an abusive childhood? I ask how does a young woman from a loving, stable family walk into not just one but two abusive relationships? We all have our unique stories but what I love about this community is that we can share our painful past and move on to a place of peace and healing through sharing our hope in finding a better life as well as lessons learned. I ,for one, am certainly looking forward to reading your memoir,too.
Hi Pam & Kathy,
So glad I stopped over. This post is so important to so many women trying to escape an abusive relationship! Thank you Pam and Kathy. I don’t know what it is but, I’m also hosting a woman who survived domestic violence, but, lost 3 family members, which led her to start a foundation in honor of her sister that help women to leave a violent relationship “safely” Please stop by on Friday for the interview with Darlene Greene, Founder of The Ida Mae Greene Foundation-For My Sisters.
Peace & blessing,
Clara.
Hi Clara, I’m so happy you stopped by! I appreciate your support for this very important issue of domestic violence awareness and supporting women in leaving abusive relationships Thanks for sharing your upcoming interview on your blog. I’ll be sure to check it out. The more voices we add to this conversation, the more people we will reach. Blessings, Kathy
Hi, Clara!
I’m glad you, too have found a way to approach this topic on your blog. I believe God wants to bless all of us with a peace beyond understanding. Thank you for doing your part for PTSD awareness month!
Pam
Wow, what powerful stories, Kathy! Thankfully, domestic abuse isn’t in my history, but the way you’ve spoken here, it’s easy to empathize with what happened, what you learned, and what you did to remedy it. Your strength is admirable, my friend, and your story will be fascinating!
Thank you for being such a loyal supporter, Debbie. I am hopeful that the lessons I’ve learned will help others. As always, I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Kathy, I knew you were a retired nurse but didn’t know about your two abusive marriages.
In the past several years there have been multiple local news reports of men killing their wives and kids then themselves. It’s the ultimate physical abuse. Thank God you were able to get away and found your inner voice before this happened to you. The mother instinct to protect your children is very powerful, isn’t it?
I’ve always admired you and do so even more now. Bravo. And good luck with your memoirs.
I appreciate your kind remarks, Grace. I am very grateful that I was able to extricate myself from two abusive marriages. The key for me was to understand why and how I got into them in the first place. Those are the lessons I hope to share, that we always have a choice and listening to our inner voice matters. Thanks for stopping by and offering your support.