Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler
” We don’t know who we are until we see what we can do” Martha Grimes, Writer’s Handbook
I am very happy to welcome back Linda Joy Myers in this interview to discuss the recent launch of her re-visioned memoir, Don’t Call Me Mother: A Daughter’s Journey From Abandonment to Forgiveness and the healing journey she took to reveal the story that needed to be revisited. My reviews can be found on Amazon and Goodreads.
Welcome back, Linda Joy!
KP: I find it fascinating that the memoir you wrote seven years ago seemed to beckon you to return to it. In your updated version of your memoir, Don’t Call Me Mother, you take us deeper into your story of being abandoned by your mother and reflect on the impact that has on you and your family today. What made you decide to expand on your original memoir rather than write a separate memoir- the same title with a different subtitle?
LJM: I spent about 10 years writing this memoir, beginning two decades ago. The story of my mother and grandmother, the tangled threads, research on Ancestry.com and the way it still fascinates me is like a kind of addiction—I could be tempted to keep going over the same territory if I wrote a whole new book about them. I want to write about men and my father next, and I want to publish my WWII novel. I felt the stories in the Afterword were really important to work on and share as part of the original story, as they loop back to the themes. I continued my journey with the material in Don’t Call Me Mother without getting lost in the story. I’m trying to move forward!
KP: Since a memoir reflects a slice of your life defined by a specific time period, it makes sense that one’s story does change over time. What are the main factors that led to your decision to go deeper into your story?
LJM: In one story, I pick up the thread of my time with Vera, the year I’m alone in a home that was abusive and scary. In 2003, I decided to face the shadowy fears that had stayed with me all my life and I met her children again for the first time since I was five, a skinny, sick, and frightened child. I hoped that by doing so I’d stop having the bad dreams that could still haunt me. Through meeting them, I learned about my own courage, and how we can find a new perspective through living—and writing beyond the original wounds. I learned about forgiveness—it’s a gift, and we don’t always plan it. My point is to show how we can continue to learn from our stories, and if we share this new knowledge, we can help others understand more deeply the power of transformation that we can manifest in our lives.
KP: In your updated version, you take us through your painstaking process of healing, especially facing your relatives, in a way that makes the reader feel the pain of rejection. What advice would you give others who are facing painful realities as they write their memoir?
LJM: Well, first we have to find ways to bear the grief and sorrow that come when we get a shock of recognition about “the way things are,” and how different they are than we wanted them to be. In the second story in the Afterword, I find out that the Iowa extended family, whom I’d seen as a buffer and a way to have some kind of family, judged the fact that I wrote a memoir, and further, they were a bit paranoid about what I wrote—and didn’t write—about them. In a moment of insight during an intense encounter, I saw how much of an outsider I was. My grandmother never “belonged” in that family—she had a different father than her 6 brothers and sisters—he died before she was born. She moved to the big city of Chicago, and took ships to England. My mother was always hysterical and “eccentric.” And I lived in that crazy state of California, I was a therapist, I too went to England, but not on ships! And I was always poking around to find out more about the history of the family. When you grow up with people who lie all the time, the truth has premium value—at least to me. In that insightful moment when I finally see that I’m an outsider, that we always were, and that I’d left out truths in the first version of the memoir so I could preserve this family connection, I was stabbed with grief. I cried and cried as I bathed my feet for the last time in the Mississippi River, as I sat in the rain by my mother’s grave and drove by the houses where I’d spent my childhood summers. The grief, the insight, and the falling away of denial freed me from my false beliefs and the need to pretend who I was or wasn’t. Finally, I was myself and that was good enough. I thought it was an important, and vulnerable, story to share.
KP: You teach weaving the light and dark moments in and you do that very well throughout this memoir, leaving the reader with a sense of hope in healing despite the reality of the circumstances. In the end, you share a powerful message of not only forgiveness for those who have hurt you but also self-forgiveness. What role did writing this version play in achieving this forgiveness?
LJM: Even though I’ve taught writing as healing all these years since the first edition was done, I’m still amazed and moved by how powerful writing the truth is! Again, with memoir, we’re living the story and while we’re living it, we’re also trying to find ways to put language around it, finding the scenes that can capture in some small way how it is for us. I wrote several versions of these stories but it helps to have time between the event and the writing. My later versions were much better! But the story about me and my daughter I wrote right after we lived it because I didn’t want to forget one single thing that happened. When she read it she said, “Yes, that’s what happened that day.” What a blessing! It was a full circle between us, mother and daughter. We are the first in several generations to share our love freely, have sincere even if difficult talks without angry outbursts—at least most of the time—and my grand-daughter is growing up without abandonment fears. I’m happy!
KP: It seems to me that writing this version has been a gift to yourself and your family. You write in your preface, “It is a testament to my belief that, under all the hurt and anger, love is buried deep inside each person.” This insight is also a gift to your reader. When in your writing process did you realize that your story was transformational both for yourself and your reader? Did it evolve as you wrote or were you clear from the start that your message would have the potential to help others as well as yourself?
LJM: Just like the saying, “No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader,” if we feel transformed and are able to present the evidence in scenes and use language to shape feelings and perceptions, then the reader will feel it too. It’s a writing challenge then, to keep shaping and choosing and smoothing until it’s seamless. I have seen the power of writing to heal the writer and the reader so often that it’s a given in my world.
KP: Thank you, Linda Joy, for sharing your thoughts on how re-visioning your memoir led you to a deeper level of healing.
Your mantra, “Be brave.Write your story” is captured in your memoir.
Author’s Bio:
Linda Joy Myers, Ph.D., MFA, is the President and founder of the National Association of Memoir Writers, an Instructor at Writers Digest, Co-President of the Women’s National Book Association, San Francisco branch. Linda is the author of The Power of Memoir—How to Write Your Healing Story, Becoming Whole, and Don’t Call Me Mother, which won the BAIPA Gold Medal prize. Linda’s next book is Truth or Lie: On the Cusp of Memoir and Fiction. She gives workshops through NAMW, Story Circle, and the Therapeutic Writing Institute, and helps people capture their stories through coaching and online workshops. www.namw.org. Blog: http://memoriesandmemoirs.com; Twitter @memoirguru
Her re-visioned memoir can be ordered on Amazon:
How about you? Have you written a memoir that you need to revisit? How do you feel about reading a re-visioned memoir?
Linda Joy will give away a copy of her memoir to a random commenter.
We’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave your comments below~
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This week: I’m also for at Cheryl Stahle’s blog, Your Best Writing Group with a memoir vignette “Summer Day Along the Hudson River…Nothing Quite Like It” as part of her March Memoir Madness series.
Next Week: Memoir Author Lorenzo Martinez will discuss his upcoming memoir about participating in the Operation Pedro Pan project of the 1960s.
I would really like to write, but am not brave. What would help push me towards healing, and writing, and sharing my story?
Dear Paula, Welcome to Memoir Writer’s Journey! Thank you for asking a very powerful and universal question, one that most people who think about writing a memoir ask themselves. There’s no quick and easy answer but I can share a few thoughts from my own journey. Just keep writing, perhaps start out by freewriting in a journal without editing; learn about the art and craft of memoir writing through courses and conferences. http://www.namw.org is a wonderful site that offers many free resources to those interested in memoir; read as many memoirs as you can as well as fiction to see what works; join an online memoir forum for support from other memoir writers (namw has a Facebook page) It really does take village to write a memoir because you are digging deep into your own story and facing painful realities. These are just a few ideas for starters. You might want to check out my resource page (tab on left) and this post may help you get started.:http://krpooler.com/2012/06/04/three-questions-i-need-to-ask-before-writing-a-memoir-a-story/. As Linda Joy mentioned in her interview facing her shadowy fears helped her to find her own courage” memoir writing is a process- like peeling an onion that requires persistence and courage. I would also add, if you find areas are too painful to face, you may have to set it aside and face it in manageable doses. Counseling may even be needed. I hope whatever you choose to do , you just start writing and keep writing for yourself.
I hope others will step in with other suggestions for Paula
Best wishes to you. I hope you’ll keep coming back!
Kathy
Dear Paula,
We are all scared at first to write our truths–I was. It took a lot for me to begin to write–all the inner critic voices were shouting at me to be quiet and stay small and certainly not to write anything dangerous or controversial. For a long time I wrote just for me–and then I gradually saw, and got feedback over time, that I was saying something interesting, at least once in a while! It is a journey and it begins with one step. Start with “I remember,” or “I believe” and keep it private just for you. Good luck! The long journey to healing and courage starts small.
Paula, what jumped out to me in your comment was when you said, “I am not brave.” You’re not yet seeing the courage that you have (kind of like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz!) Linda Joy’s suggestion of starting small is great. Tiny steps in the right direction don’t feel so scary and they do get you there eventually. Maybe you could start by writing about a time you did something brave. Try to get back in touch with your courage–it is in there, I promise!
Linda Joy, I was very moved by your description of the grief you experienced when you realized you’d been an outsider in that family all along. As hard as the truth can be to face, once you get through the grief and reach acceptance, everything feels much lighter. Your story reminded me of that, and that is a hugely important lesson. As a fairly new NAMW member, I have your book but haven’t read it yet. Now I don’t know which version to read! 🙂
Hi Sue, Nice to see you here! I want to tell you how much I appreciate your supportive and wise words to Paula. It reminds me of how much I love this community for how we gather together to help one another through the daunting task of writing our life stories. It is in the sharing that we gain encouragement and strength to face our own challenges. Thank you so much for joining in and sharing your thoughts.
Gratefully,
Kathy
What a lovely interview, Kathy and Linda Joy. I am just finishing up one book and am about to start, Don’t Call Me Mother. Can’t wait.
I am finding that the writing of my own memoir is the most healing thing I could ever do for myself and hopefully my readers will find that forgiveness of those who hurt me and myself to be helpful to them is possible and helpful to them as well.
Thanks so much,
Joan
Hi Joan, I’m happy you enjoyed Linda Joy’s interview and know you will love her memoir. She brings us into her pain then walks us through her own healing and forgiveness. It sounds like you have experienced the same with your memoir. This is what we all strive for-through our own healing and transformation, our readers can find their own story of healing and transformation. Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. They are greatly appreciated. Best wishes with your memoir.
Kathy
Hi Joan, I hope you enjoy the book, and thank you for commenting about your own healing journey. Forgiveness is a powerful thing, but we often can’t get there directly. We have to work through the walls that might hold us back, the old hurts that are illogical and we wish we could just wish them away. But story writing even allows us to write through the point of view of others if we wish to–invites us to imagine the other person, and to stand for a little while in their shoes.
Writing in scenes is a way to allow our story to become more real, and at the same time, gives us a way to distance from the overwhelm of too many emotions. Best of luck to you as you complete your memoir!
Linda Joy, I can relate to the sentiment if not knowing what’s been written or not written about you. I’m sure I have family members who have these concerns as well. It’s hard to know what to pre-share with them.still, writing the truth is essential. Paige
Dear Paige, I think of writing the truth as coming in stages. First, we write for ourselves, to find out what we think and to invite our true and unfettered voice to appear on the page. Then we keep inviting that voice, our inner self, and gradually I think that we find ourselves exploring territory we didn’t know about rather than just what we thought we knew. Then we are opening doors of insight through the writing. I believe that we do need to take other people into account when it comes to creating a public document for the world to read–but that is another topic. Good luck with your writing!
Kathy, thank you for inviting Linda Joy to visit with us. While I’m saddened to read of her pain, I love that she has found healing in the building of a stronger “house” with her daughter and grandchild. It doesn’t surprise me that love survives – in some ways that’s the only “cure” available to us after being so damaged: loving someone with all our hearts. I’m with my toddler granddaughter every day, and as I look at her tender little face and sense her vulnerable soul, I am having a hard time understanding how my father could have beaten us as he did when we were children. Some things you think you’re past, and then they surface again. Yet I have forgiven him. It’s amazing. I think the work that you and LJM are doing with memoir is like the work of elders preserving the healing rituals of the tribe. Thank you both.
Oh,Lynne, you really touched a chord with your response, showing how you have healed and forgiven your wounds. What a beautiful gift to get beyond the pain enough to cherish the precious moments with your granddaughter. Though the pain endures to rear up from time to time, the forgiveness sets us free. I love the image of “preserving the healing rituals of the tribe” and feel deeply honored to be connected with it. Blessings and hugs across the miles xo
Hi Lynn–I like you love seeing the little ones’ innocence as a grandmother, and like you, just wonder at the craziness of people who mistreat children, and it continues to happen all the time and every day. I think that our sorrow for the little children that we once were can still surface even if we have forgiven people the best we can because treatment like that marks us, it will surface when triggered. But story writing, being in the present, celebrating the life we have now–all this can mitigate those memories. I love what you said about some of us memoir people being like elders preserving the healing rituals of the tribe! Wow. Kathy, we should pick up on that and do a seminar! Thank you for your response here, Lynn.
Dear Linda Joy and Kathy – thank you for this great interview. I agree, our memoirs need to be revisited. Twenty-five years ago a therapist challenged me to write my memoir – I did. It was an emotional dump of intense pain but did not reach the transformative stage. Recently, I’ve re-written my memoir – not looking at the old copy originally. I am amazed at how the story is basically the same, but the point of view has changed. Now I view my life from a position of “healed” instead of victim. I imagine, as time goes by, even more insights will be found in my story. I hope to be able to read your memoir soon.
HM at HVC dot RR dot COM
Dear Heather, I appreciate you sharing your insightful and inspirational story. What a perfect example! It is a testimony not only to the healing power of memoir but also to the importance of having emotional distance from the pain so you can focus on the meaning of the experience as well as the lessons learned.
Best wishes on completing your memoir. I hope you’ll keep us posted on it. You will love Linda Joy’s memoir! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.
Dear Heather, yes it took me so long to write my memoir, I went through various stages of healing while I wrote it, thanks to therapy as well as the writing. And after my mother died, I started another version of the memoir because I felt differently enough that my new perspective informed the prose, the style, and the tone of my writing. Whew–it’s hard work to birth a memoir partly because we are growing and learning as we write it, and then we have to revise it–again! But in the end, the book will be better and more universal for the effort. Good luck with your writing and your story!
Dear Kathy and everyone, Thank you for being here today! And Kathy, you are such a sweet and welcoming hostess. I was without internet today–in the office where I do therapy, the internet was down, and the person who was supposed to fix it didn’t come! So I apologize for my late appearance to the ball!
However, the comments here today are so inspiring to me. We all need this tribe of writers and truth-tellers, people who work with words and story and imagination as we craft our memoirs. We need to hear each other’s struggles and successes, we need to know that we are not weird or stuck in the past, or navel gazers–terms that are thrown around all too much about memoir writers. We are on a path to freedom and healing, we are creating works of art too–and for each of us, that path will be a little different. Yet, we are indeed a tribe.
If there are more comments and questions, I will be around for them the rest of the week and weekend! Blessings to all and–March 8 is International Women’s Day! Write your story, claim your voice!
What a pleasure it has been , Linda Joy, to have you around the “campfire” to share your words of wisdom. Your memoir is truly a testimony to the power of a woman’s voice to inspire, connect and heal. You are showing us the way and have generated a rich,heartfelt and inspirational conversation. Thank you so much!
Thank you both for this insightful interview. Linda Joy, you are plowing new ground here with expanded and revised memoir, and I’ll bet you are paving the road for others. Many of us find that the lion’s share of the value is in the practice and process of writing memoir, with product being the icing on the cake. You’ve done it all. I hope to see a picture of you soon with a face full of gooey icing surrounding a huge smile of victory for having attained a brave goal. Congratulations! I can’t wait to read “the rest of the story.”
Hi Sharon, Thanks for stopping by. I agree, Linda Joy has paved a new road for all of us by showing us what re-visioning a memoir means. A brave goal ,indeed and worthy of all the “smiles and a face full of gooey icing” 🙂
Hi Kathy and Linda,
I am almost finished with your first edition, Don’t Call Me Mother, Linda. All I can say is, after the mentally and emotionally harmful messages you endured as a kid, it’s a wonder you’re doing as well as you are. Bravo, girl!
I agree, Grace. Linda Joy speaks so bravely of her painful past and that makes me appreciate how much she has had to overcome to get to where she is today. It’s a powerful message of hope for all of us. Thanks for stopping by!
I’ve written a memoir that I’ve reread several times, but keep thinking I may change some of it one day. It’s in no hurry to be published, so I have plenty of time to revisit it.
Hi Sabrina, Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story. Best wishes with your memoir whatever you decide to do with it.
Linda Joy, what an incredible testimony of courage…the courage to relive all the trauma in the telling of the story, in hope that others can heal and forgive. I look forward to reading the updated edition.
Thanks for bringing us this great interview, Kathy.
Hi Pat, So happy you enjoyed Linda Joy’s inspirational interview. Her updated memoir is a testimony to the power of memoir to heal and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
I am writing my memoirs presently… and I am surprise to see events, people, words, little stuff and big hurts and way more, just popping up at the tip of my pen. Things I never knew that were there; words that hurt me profoundly when I was a child and that are still — unconciously — affecting me now; people I forgot everything about until now; little gestures that marked my life so deeply…
Writing my memoirs is like, in some sort, reliving my life and remembering it and also… healing it and thanking the ones who gave a tiny bit of their time to the little kid I was, that little bit of time that my mind found soo important and soooo vital for its survival.
… and the more I write the more comes up as if the fact of writing it free space in my hard drive memory brain. It is breathtaking sometimes… and often burning tears run down my cheeks, big sobs just vibrates my chest and old dusty moldy emotions emerge from nowhere leaving a strange taste in my mouth but, it is OK! I feel that the more stuff comes out, the cleaner I am inside as all the cobwebs vanished.
Beautiful memories are kept alive and they give a wonderful meaning to my past — even though they are not legions. Writing memoirs is healing and it — of course — keep track of the ones who came before us. We can understand our family history and giving a purpose to our life.
Welcome, Amyah! What a beautiful , heartfelt testimony to the power of memoir to heal, inspire and transform our lives. You have truly captured the essence of what memoir writing is all about. I love your line” I am surprised to see events…just popping up at the tip of my pen.” Actually I enjoyed all your descriptions. Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts so eloquently. Wishing you many blessings as you work on your memoir. I hope you’ll keep us posted on your progress.
Thank you, Kathy. It feels warm in my heart to read you. As English is my second language, I sometimes fear to have an accent, even when I write 🙂
Yes, I will keep you informed of the growth and developments of my memoirs.
A wonderful day to you all!
Dear Amyah, Thank you for your kind words. My first thought regarding your concern about accent is accent doesn’t matter when we speak from our heart snd connect with others. Yes, please keep us posted!
So glad to finally get back to your site, Kathy. And, after reading the heartfelt comments to Linda Joy’s lovely post — “When you grow up with people who lie all the time, the truth has premium value.” I loved that! — I finally understand why this site, of all the ones I try to visit each week, this site keeps pulling me back. It is the idea of the tribe and you are our elders, imparting such important wisdom as I travel this particular path.
I wanted, too, to mention a brief thought about forgiveness. It’s a concept that’s been on my mind this past year. While it’s certainly a worthwhile goal, and necessary at some point, I also believe that it’s possible to “forgive too soon.” I can say more about that if needed. For now, I just will put it out there.
I was so moved by the very first post, from Paula, and by Sue’s response as well as yours and Linda Joy’s. This path (of writing a memoir) has opened up surprising wounds and areas of pain I thought long past. But, like the debrieding of old wounds, it must be done if one is to heal. I chose a path of healing long ago — and memoir, writing, journaling are but vehicles along the road — and am very glad to be on it as, it would seem, most of your readers. But, I’ve also had to accept that it’s not a path for everyone. There is a member of my family who has had a chance to travel down this road and has refused, repeatedly. She even signed up for a memoir class here locally, but left early stating, “It’s too much like therapy.” She got that right! She knows she’s afraid; I needn’t tell her. This past year, her choice has been my lesson and part of my own growth. I too believe, as Sue wrote, that we all have the courage we need, if only we could access it. But first we must want to. I love that we can honor all women (Yes, thanks to International Woman’s Day) and support them in the path that they have chosen, even when it’s not our own.
I look forward to sitting around the next “campfire” with you and yours. Be well.
Wow, Janet, my kitchen table has turned into a campfire and I love it! When I first envisioned this blog, I wanted it to be a place where people could share their stories and learn from one another. It warms my heart to hear your words as you describe the very thing I was hoping for. Thank you. Also I appreciate your thoughts on forgiveness and the story you shared about a family member- “her choice has been my lesson.” I think we all have to find our own way through maze of self-discovery and I agree “first , we must want to.” One of the most important things for me in writing my memoir has been to be connected to my purpose in writing it- to write with intention. I appreciate the thought-provoking points and questions you have raised and welcome input from others. Looking forward to seeing you at the next “campfire!” 🙂
Linda,
I love what you say here about the power of writing our truth in our stories. It certainly has been the case for me, that writing my memoir led to a greater understanding of my family and to a level of forgiveness that has been very healing.
You have touched on a great deal of good advice here for memoir writers. I’m not sure I was able to leave the tears out of my own writing process, but I truly hope I was able to transform them for the reader.
I can’t wait to read the new version of your book–it’s on it’s way to me now.
All the best,
Judy Mandel
Welcome , Judy! I appreciate and agree with your comments about Linda Joy providing ” a great deal of good advice for memoir writers.” I’d also like to commend you on the release of your memoir,Replacement Child and encourage others to read your post about your “circuitous road to memoir”:http://www.asja.org/theword/2013/02/06/a-circuitous-road-to-memoir/#.UTy1ToElUD4.twitter. Thanks so much for stopping by and best wishes with your memoir!